Bad night

[gettingtired]

After a few months of relative ‘calmness’ things have kicked off again today/tonight. The last big blow up was before we moved, it was stupid of me to move but I just felt like I needed to give things a go and felt like I had no other option for how much him and his family had been bullying me about it.
It’s really shaken me up. Things have still been bad lately but more in the sense of him generally being miserable/draining/blaming everything on me as opposed to nasty blow ups like tonight.
So why do I know that tomorrow I’ll wake up and not have the courage to walk out for good? No doubt he’ll wake up tomorrow and act normal/tonight won’t be mentioned and it’s back around we go again.
I could call a taxi and pop a few things/our pet in and leave possibly before he wakes up (he’ll probably be in bed with a hangover until the afternoon).
I can’t do it though but equally I know I won’t be able to cope for much longer with these awful drunken blow ups of his. I’ll never feel safe around him. He has convinced me that the police will see how he’s ‘tried to tell me to leave the house’ so they will remove me and not him.
I know there’s absolutely no future for me and him, all I’m doing is sticking with him out of pure fear and a bit of guilt.

Sorry for the rant, I know there’s no easy answer but I just had to write on here as I’m feeling so alone. X

[Secretlife]

Hello Gettingtired

I am so sorry to read your post and I wish I had the answer. It sounds like he wants you to be as miserable as he is feeling, and after last night he has succeeded. You’re not alone and have the support of everyone on here. I’m sure there’ll be some good advice from someone who is further on their journey than we are. I hope today is a better day. Sending love and a hug xx

[gettingtired]

`Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means more than I can say to have you and others to speak to here on the forum 💖 x*x

[Bananaboat]

I’m sorry you had such a bad night, I know these nights well and you’re right he’ll wake up later this afternoon and expect you to be normal, it’s cruel in itself. Having lived that cycle and asked myself the same question so many times it helped me to make plans and explore the possible even if I didn’t act on it. It gave me some control back. Keep a journal if you aren’t already as that helps you brain see the cycle. Cognitive dissonance has a lot to answer for in these situations. Most likely one day something in you will just break and you’ll find that strength to go. Until then keep yourself safe and remember you don’t deserve his cruelty x

[gettingtired]

You’re right bananaboat, he was acting normal but could tell I was quiet so started questioning me on what was wrong. Mind-blowing! Then proceeded to say how we were both (detail removed by moderator). Admittedly I did say some things I feel bad about but I was very sleep deprived (it went on all through the night until the morning!) and feeling highly stressed.
He then basically sulked and is basically playing victim. No doubt he’ll be speaking to his Mum behind my back to frame me as the bad person and gain sympathy from her.
It had been a few months since the last major blow up and I definitely had forgotten how bad they were despite having video evidence on my phone of previous incidents. It just goes to show how easily the mind seems to forget!
Thank you so much for writing here xx

[Bananaboat]

We have to forget to survive sometimes and we want to believe the good. That’s why the journal and videos etc help, as they remind us of the crazy x

[nbumblebee]

My beautiful friend you break my heart.
He has made you become so attached to him that you feel you cannot leave that you wont cope without him but actually you also know deep down you can and will you are just not ready yet.
Baby steps. You are doing an amazing job already by now and again having space from him remember how good that space feels and remember how bad it is when you return. One day you wont return you will find that strength that you have inside you but you have to find yourself first, learn to love yourself trust and believe in yourself first the rest will follow. You are seeing him for what he is now thats one step further than you once were right? Just keep taking those baby steps moving foward you got this you have. X

[gettingtired]

Thank you so much for your lovely, kind words 💖 you’ve been such a huge support to me and many others on the forum so thank you for that x*x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Gettingtired

just wanted to add my voice to the support you are getting already. As you say, it just keeps on going round and round and round, never-ending,and at some point you will feel too giddy to keep going, thats when you’ll be ready to jump off the crazy roundabout of abuse. All the denials and minimising, shifting of blame, its all so exhausting trying to speak to someone that does this instead of just actually talking about stuff and resolving it, but thats never the point for them is it, their point is to upset and scare, and then play pretend, until the next time.

keep talking and workig through how you want this to go.

warmest wishes

ts

[Author]

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