Bad week.

[Caterpillarbutterfly]

Hi forum. Haven’t posted on here in a while. I’m coping most of the time, but then struggling when he gets into a bad patch. This probably sounds familiar to a lot of you.

(detail removed by Moderator) was particularly bad. We went away, there were a couple of things I had forgotten to pack and he literally spent 80% of the weekend berating me about that. My head is absolutely all over the place, but I’m sure it’s not normal behaviour that when I forget to pack something he then spends hours telling me that I am the most thick, fat, useless person he’s ever met and I’ve wrecked his life.

I can just about cope with this, because I’m used to it and he calms down eventually, but now… it’s starting to affect my child (who I will call (detail removed by Moderator) for this post), who is starting to have panic attacks. He’s not reacting well to this and is telling me that it’s my fault for passing on my emotional problems to (detail removed by Moderator)… but… (detail removed by Moderator) has spent the weekend listening to him berating me for being useless and (detail removed by Moderator) knows that when (detail removed by Moderator) has a panic attack he will get cross with (detail removed by Moderator) and me, so of course knowing that makes (detail removed by Moderator) panic. (detail removed by Moderator) too little to have to deal with this, but I genuinely don’t know what is the right thing to do.

I can’t go into too much detail on here, but I can’t support us both financially if I left the home with her. Also, bad as things are, she does have a bond with her dad (who is ok with her when not in one of these moods). I’m stuck. Unfortunately (detail removed by Moderator) and I are paying a price in terms of our mental health and there is no way forward. I will end up being a c**p parent whether I stay (and subject (detail removed by Moderator) to his ranting) or go (and subject (detail removed by Moderator) to a c**p quality of life, not to mention custody battles etc…). I don’t know what to do and the older I get the fewer options I seem to have.

Sorry to rant. Bad day. Bad week.

[Lisa]

Hello Caterpillarbutterfly,

I just wanted to offer you some support on your post and thank you for sharing this with us. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such a bad week, it sounds like you’re going through a lot.

It’s not okay for your partner to blame you for whats happening and it’s absolutely not your fault. I can hear how stuck you are feeling, and how much of an impact it’s having on your sense of self – you are not alone, I’m glad you’ve felt able to share this.

The Live Chat might be a useful resource if you feel like you’d like to talk through the situation and your options in more detail: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Caterpillarbutterfly

The one thing I can say to you is that you might be surprised at how different life can be once you don’t have this constant harrassment and abuse for you all to deal with.

You can have fun anywhere, except with him. You can show and share love anywhere, except with him. You can forget things without dire consequences and panic attacks anywhere except around him.

Yes, it can be incredibly hard, and horrible leaving everything you know, or changing everything you know, but seeing your children happy and carefree has been the end goal for me, and we couldn’t be relaxed or ever feel supported and cared for by him.

Its very scary not knowing how things may change, and what the impacts could be so its vital to get all the support and space you can to prepare, think this through and plan quietly as much as you can it does help with the facing the eventual change thats needed.

Sending you all the strength and hope for better for you all.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

I cant tell you to leave as im still here i completly get the stuck feeling the utter dispare you feel i get it.
But what i can tell you is that I will never ever forgive myself for not seeing understanding when my kids were younger so I couldve saved them.
I pretend that they havw not been affected but they have they definatly have and like i say i will never forgive myself.
I fear its too late for me amd my kids Id hate to think someone else will suffer the same guilt as me. So if you can find some bravery some courage you have it in bucket loads to survive what you do so if you can find some to reach out to maybe womans aid to get some advice just some advice on your options then maybe just maybe that will help you step foward towards getting you and your kids free.
Stay safe sweetie xxxx

[Caterpillarbutterfly]

Another bad weekend.

The name-calling and belittling is just so exhausting. And being called fat *all the time* has never actually helped. I know I’m overweight. Being belittled for it just makes it harder to feel positive about diet and exercise.

And being called ‘loathsome’ and ‘an embarrassment’ in front of my kid… honestly, how have I screwed up my life this much.

If I had any sensible way out, I ought to leave I guess. But all aspects of my life have now been screwed up, I’m living somewhere impractical, and I can’t imagine how I could support myself + child. I also don’t know what is best for said child, who would suffer from a vastly reduced quality of life if we did separate.

Oh well, another 30-40 years and then I can die, I suppose.

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi CaterpillarButtefly,

I’m sorry to hear that you went through this when you went away.

Name-calling and berating is never acceptable, and is never a proportional response to forgetfullness and human errors. If your partner really needed you to remember these things on holiday, it would be his shared responsibility to remember them too.

If you do consider leaving is it possible to break up an action plan bit by bit, first looking at finances, jobs, temporary accomodation, who you can go to for support and help for trust.

Everyone is deserving to seek out the best version of themselves, in your case not just for your children but for you too. You could be living the best 30-40 years of your life.

I can understand why the reduced quality of life for your child maybe a concern, but I think in this instance think about how much of your needs are being minimised and consider whether this treatement is likely to get worse (honestly).

As you said in your message, the name calling and berating has effected your mind frame regarding diet and excercise, if you were to leave you could focus on your health and strive in many ways.

It sounds like you have always been strong, and although there are factors to take into consideration- it’s important to have faith in yourself.

[nbumblebee]

Ive been on here years now and still i stay. I wont allow myself to look ahead because i cant bare the thought of this being my life for the next 20 odd years I wouldnt wanna live.
So i get what you say but what ive learned from women on here that no matter how helpless you think your situation is that you cant or wont ever leave there really is always a way always.
Thing is we have got to believe it first stop saying we cant ever and maybe start saying one day when im ready. My kids are almost grown i dont wanna be here on my own with my husband once they fly so maybe for me thats my time?
I dont know but what I do know is that I cant give up I cant allow my kids to think this is how we treat others and that its ok to be treated this way. No I wont allow my kids to think that.
One day when you are ready you will find a way. Tomorrow next month 5 years however long it takes you have to believe and hope you will find a way.
Because without that belief without that hooe what else have we got.
Your name suggests you have it within you now its ime to believe that you do.
Sending love xxxxx

[Author]

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