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I am so worried that I’ve become crazy and the abuser now. We had an argument (detail removed by Moderator) and I was being just as nasty as he usually is to me. I’ve never been like this before and it was really scary. What if I’m permanently changed and broken from this relationship.
My partner lied about deleting messages from another woman (his friend). I found out he lied and got so upset and just kept asking for his phone. I tried to grab it off him. I just kept having in my head “I need to see how he speaks to her” and kept saying “what else are you hiding?”
We nearly broke up and I just feel like I’m sitting on the edge of making a big decision to end things but it just seems so hard..trying to navigate a breakup when you live with someone and own so much together seems so hard. I’ve not had to do that before. I also love him so much but sometimes I feel like I don’t like him as a person and don’t feel he is authentic. I think he lies and I just keep thinking what else don’t I know..
Things have been very toxic for a long time. He calls me nasty things a lot and personally attacks me to bring me down..arguments will start over something small like me asking him to do something around the house and then he will snap and be nasty, I get upset and ask for an apology and then it all kicks off from there with the name calling from him – crazy, insane, hard to love, deranged, etc..
How do you get the strength to leave when you know deep down it will be best in the long run, you’ll be happier and so much less stressed but you still love them so much. I just wish he wouldn’t lie and would treat me better.
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Hope it’s okay to add to this. I could barely sleep last night. I keep waking up so upset and angry with myself and just don’t understand how I could say some of the horrible things I did. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wish I could turn back time and re-do everything.
I’m starting to question if everything over the past two years was even that bad. I just want him to give me a hug and things to go back to normal. But he lied to me and swore on my life this thing didn’t happen but it did.. we can’t come back from that.
I just don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel here. I have read stories about couples coming to a crossroads and things being bad and then they work through it.
He’s said his friends don’t like me too.
Is there even any coming back from this? One of my friends said I need to just rip off the bandaid and I think she is right but I just can’t even fathom that right now but if I stay I just don’t trust him anymore.
Sorry if that doesnt make sense. I’m so upset and not in a good headspace right now.
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Hi,
Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You described how he speaks to you, he calls you names and sounds like things escalate when you set your boundaries or stand up for yourself.
You have been enduring a lot for a long time and its completely understandable you had a human response to that- you saying those things doesn’t reflect on you as a person- do you feel he wakes up regretting the way he treats or speaks to you?
Its important you take things at your own pace and make any decisions when you feel ready- be kind to yourself
Best Wishes
Lisa
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Thank you Lisa.
He sort of seems like he is sorry and will be like “we both said some things we didn’t mean, let’s just move forward now” however today I brought up something I noticed on social media and he immediately gaslighted me and said I shouldn’t be causing issues over insignificant things and insulted me again. So I don’t think he ever is actually sorry.
Honestly feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t believe anything he says anymore and even when I have evidence he says I’m not right but it makes me question what I saw.
I am so confused and feel like I’m losing touch with reality. My brain feels like it is going to explode and I feel so anxious and my chest is tight.
I love him but I am worried about what this is doing to my sanity and my health
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So sorry to hear this. My husband was the same. I sadly just put up with it. I had no strength to leave partly due to my low mental health and young children. He used to talk about me to other people behind my back, hoping to get sympathy. All of it was lies. When I confronted him he would outright deny it – but there was no way those people would have known certain things. It really broke my heart because I really cared for him.
He would keep doing it because in all honesty, he didn’t care.
Please keep posting. The realisation of who we are living with is crushing. Remember you are not alone. -
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It sounds like you’re having such a difficult time. Do you have support with your mental health for example your GP or 111?
I would sometimes occasionally scream at my abuser and he used to say that I bullied him! In reality it is our abusers twisting the truth and bending our minds, eroding our identity and making us question ourselves.
It’s very difficult to deal with someone who is so cruel, no wonder we end up questioning our sanity and doing strange things like shouting.-
I have a counsellor and I should be getting a call back from a domestic abuse charity this week so I am getting some support, thank you. I might speak to my GP tomorrow too because I am struggling a lot.
I’m sorry you dealt with this too. My boyfriend tells me I’m abusive and have n**********c traits 🙁 After arguments he just gets over it straight away and isn’t even bothered about the things he says but if I say one mean thing I will go over and over it in my head and beat myself up for days 🙁 I don’t understand how he just is unphased by the things he says to me and how he treats me.
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At times I felt the same, and thought I was turning into an angry person. I was always a calm person till I met him. He used to say I was a shouty B@@@@h and he couldn’t bear it, always forgetting that he started it. You are human and can only be calm in the face of illogical anger for so long. Hugs
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So sorry to hear you are going through this.
I had years of being gas lit into thinking I was going crazy… I had girls messaging me saying he had been with them etc and I was always made out to be crazy for believing them.
I would also find myself getting accused of being the abuser as he would say things to make me mad…
I then questioned whether it was me after all the years.
However after confiding in a lot of people- they made me realise how abnormal the behaviour was and even the things that became my new normal was just bizarre to them.
It only ended when he moved out to be with another women. I felt like a massive pressure was lifted and almost felt thankful he had been cheating etc rather than being upset about it.
I hope you’re okay and always here on messenger if you need a chat x*x -
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He’s now said he has told his family about everything and how I apparently got physical with him. I just tried to grab his phone to see what else he was lying about. He has painted this horrible picture of me. And he’s fixated on me apparently lying to him when I never did. I remember having a conversation with him about what he is referring to.
He is making it all about me and not his horrible behaviour.
I feel so destroyed by this. Trying not to break down. I acted so out of character and it wasn’t me and now I feel like I’m the abuser and everyone hates me and thinks the worst of me.
Why would he be like this if he loves me. I just feel like he never loved me and it was all a lie 🙁
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Just wanted to share and say you’re definitely not alone in being made to feel this way. In recent altercations I recognise that I am acting as bad as he is. I used to just get upset and cry and now I’m angry. Maybe it’s a process we go through, like different stages. Like you I am not one for confrontation and hate arguing and am pretty laid back and relaxed but I feel the more that happens the more it builds up in me and then it explodes. He’ll antagonise me by acting a certain way, or saying something upsetting, or doing something he knows I don’t like. Then he says I’ve got issues, am mental or crazy. I hate it as it’s the exact behaviour we experience ourselves and I don’t want to be like that but I’m just so frustrated at the same old sh!t happening again and again.
So when these things happen, and you get mad or whatever, just remember that moment does not define you as a person. It doesn’t make you the abuser. You wouldn’t choose to act that way unless there was a reason. I get told I push his buttons and this is why he starts insulting me or on the odd occasion being physical. It’s the old “you made me do it” thing. And that’s the way I feel, like he’s pushed my buttons. But if he wasn’t acting the way he did in the first place to upset me nobody’s buttons would be pushed. After serious altercations he always starts saying how it’s not fair on him, he’s not violent, he shouldn’t feel this way, he doesn’t know how he’s still sane having to put up with me. He says I’m a rotten wife and always have been. I don’t think he loves me, he’s never happy and constantly complaining and moaning about me, and I don’t love him because of that. I imagine it’s harder if you feel you love someone, to imagine moving on, although maybe not as I’m still here.
It is very hard having to constantly question yourself and you can feel like you’re losing who you are. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m just someone that lives in his world and all is fine as long as I live by the rules. -
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