Badly hurt

[RedFox]

Im so hurt. I found condoms he hid. He lied to me, everything is a lie and he has sex with someone else. He invited her out to an event as well. But he pretends he has no one and is heartbroken cause I left him.

It should affects me but it does. She might even come to my place when I’m away.

I am gonna talk to the police, it was already planned. I am at the end of my possibilities. I can’t carry on and the thought of hurting myself have been more present these last few days.

I am not with him anymore but forced to cohabite. Can I request Clare’s law even if I’m not his current partner anymore?

[SunshineRainflower]

H RedFox,

I’m not in a good state today but just wanted to offer you some support, you’re not alone. My ex did the same thing with condoms, was cheating on me with god knows who. Awful, vile, sick behaviour, it has been the worst thing to get over and I’m still not over it so I fully empathise.

I also hate the way these abusers find it so easy to meet new partners, it’s not like they are all super good looking or anything. I have to remind myself that they are good at getting new partners because they lie and con and manipulate so each new woman thinks he is her soulmate and have no deep feelings so never have to heal from heartbreak. Either that or they triangulate us with sleazy women who don’t mind sleeping with other people’s partners, I think my ex used to go after both those types of women.

You might be able to request info under Clare’s Law, but you’d just have to see what they say. You could ask 101 about it first or your local domestic abuse team.

Do you have a safety exit plan in place so that you can break free of him? It must be dreadful living with him now that you’ve seen his true colours.

[RedFox]

Thank you for your reply.
I am feeling physically ill, I feel I’m gonna vomit, my chest is painful and my tummy is aching too.

I cannot forget this box of condoms. He has force me into unsafe sex at the beginning of our relationship as well (I stayed strong and refused though) so it’s even more painful to see this now.

I just can’t sleep. I want to be far, I want to never see him again but I’m stuck in this house of hell with him and I can’t stop thinking he will get away with everything, and even get more than he used to have before. He might get his new girlfriend to have my house.

I am crying. I struggle to accept how it’s affecting people around me as well.
I struggle to imagine him having sex with someone else and to accept he may have cheated on me while we were together and everything was a massive lie.
I wish there was a justice and he’d pay for all he’s done to me and still doing.

I broke up so I didn’t know if Clare’s law would work for me as I’m not his partner anymore, although I am stuck with him and it’s worse than when we were together.

[RedFox]

PS: I have no exit plan and almost no friends to help me with accommodation

[SunshineRainflower]

Hugs. I know, it is incredibly painful, these men are extremely cruel and the hurt they cause is deep. Just cry, let it all out. Write it down, and consider ringing the Samaritans. I rang them a few nights ago, initially spoke to someone unhelpful but rang back and spoke to someone amazing, who was to my surprise a man who totally understood domestic abuse and he made me feel validated, understood and a bit better. I actually wish I could ring him once a week, him and some of the people at Victim support have been great so give them all a call, access all the support and help you can.

Can you arrange to speak to CAB about your housing? I don’t know your living situation but you don’t have to be trapped with him. Also ring the helpline to set up a plan. You can start to heal once you are out of there (or once he has gone if it’s your house). Set up an STD test too, it will give you back some control and ease your mind – I had my test today and am so glad that I finally went, as difficult as it was to go.

I know exactly how you feel about the sex and the condoms, my ex tried to manipulate me into unprotected sex too. I’ve always been paranoid about it so refused and said we would just have to not have sex that weekend. Of course he then suddenly ‘found condoms in his bag.’

Try not to think too much about his new partner, or about the fear of losing the house, as you will just feel worse then, and they are just fears, not reality. I do the exact same thing, it’s hard not to do, but it makes me spiral out of control and feel even more devastated. Just remember that abusers never change, so whoever she is she is probably at this point totally manipulated and fooled by him, and is sadly in for abuse from him too – we imagine them running off into the sunset living happily ever after with a new ‘perfect partner’ but it’s not true at all, they abuse all their partners and it often seems to get worse with each new partner and some of these men eventually kill their partners so if you can shift your thinking slightly and see her as a victim in danger it helps to detach from it and feel less envious (again, not easy to do, I have to practice this daily and some days I just feel so hurt, upset, angry and envious despite everything).

Definitely contact those agencies tomorrow and get help with setting up an escape plan.

[RedFox]

Thank you for your kind words.

I really can’t sleep although I am exhausted.
I thought I would call 111 but I feel like it’s not appropriate. I would just like to ask for some advice on how to deal with the level of stress I’m experiencing tonight.

I can’t believe how much this has hurt me. I thought I was ok with the fact we split up and I was getting over it but I realise it’s not the case at all and imagining him with a new partner is actually incredibly painful. He is also willing to protect her (and himself) by using condoms when he let it be a nightmare with me. I am paranoid about these things so refused it.
I got STI tested a few months ago, I couldn’t trust him anymore but it was more for peace of mind. Now I realise he might have been seeing someone whilst also telling me he wanted me back and trying to manipulate me again into getting back into the relationship.

She might be a victim too and I don’t know her, but it’s still so unfair he will have his girlfriend and he’s living his life when I struggle so much everyday.

I will have to start a legal battle, my situation is too complicated to be sorted without I think. I am stuck with him in the meantime… it could take months and months and these are months I’ll never get back but it feels like letting him do this to me is morally acceptable.
Im not entitled to any financial help and I have no idea where I’ll end up (maybe in the street).

I am feeling sick, I really feel like I’ll vomit and I see this condoms box as soon as I close my eyes.

[KIP.]

Hi, I’ve been where you are. He made sure I knew about his new woman. This in itself shows how he is still trying to manipulate you by his behaviour. I would never reveal a new relationship in those circumstances. I we t and good good free legal advice. The fact was that I was entitled to way more than he was telling me. He was arrested for assaulting me when I wouldn’t give in to his demands. You can have him removed from the property if you can evidence his abusive behaviour. Rights for Women offer free legal advice. My ex thought I’d come running back to his arms when he rubbed my nose in his new relationship, but I went straight to a solicitor. I had to fight hard for anything but giving into his demands was never an option. He would have left me with nothing. Turned out I kept the house. Start by getting good legal advice. Remember they are liars. Do not believe a word he says. My ex new gf was a lonely single mother of multiple children. Desperate and fell prey to his predatory behaviour. Abusers are also cheats. A whole world of lies, cheating, stealing money, was uncovered. Never underestimate these men x

[RedFox]

Yeah he is the worst liar ever and it’s unbelievable because he had so many principles, including about sex.
He hasn’t directly talked about a new relationship but the reality is that he mentioned a mysterious someone he doesn’t want to name and he carries condoms with him.
I am done with trusting him, even slightly. I’m waiting for a solicitor to get back with me, can’t wait for the email. I want to start the process. I just hope it won’t cost too much. I can afford the fees but is there any extra help I could get?

If the police was made aware of his behaviour, what would they do you think?

Still feeling sick and can’t focus on working 🙁 have slept almost nothing last night and barely ate.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi RedFox,

It sounds like he is doing it deliberately to hurt you, which is a common tactic because it usually makes us feel jealous and want to return to them after which they then start controlling and abusing us again. Google ‘triangulation’ and it should help you make more sense of it and see that you are not alone. My ex did it all the time, only I wasn’t aware of it a lot of the time, I just thought he was acting strange and being insensitive but it hurt a lot. I was just thinking about how the only time he let me see his phone was when he tilted the screen to show me he was following a glamour model on a social media site showing me all her sexy glamorous pictures. He was old enough to be this girl’s father and she nearly 10 years younger than me so it really hurt and made me feel old, fat, ugly, worthless, not attractive or sexy enough – exactly what he wanted me to feel, because it meant I was easier to control and less likely to leave.

If you can try to eat something, it will help you regain your strength, and do some gentle stretches and maybe have a bath this evening to help you sleep better. Try to think of yourself as a child that needs caring for, I am struggling badly at the moment so am doing the same thing. I’ve just made myself some food and have tidied up the lounge, which has made me feel slightly better. And if you’re still not eating and sleeping you could take a few days off work and get some rest.

It is a good idea not to trust him because these types of men are often pathological liars. I’m not sure about the police or legal help but ask CAB and also your local domestic abuse team and the helpline if you haven’t already, plus there might be some local charities who can support you, I am getting support from one of mine who have been helpful.

[RedFox]

Thank you SunshineRainflower.
I have eaten some leftovers from my fridge, I don’t feel great but I am feeling a little less upset about these news tonight.
I hope my solicitor will get in touch because I do want to make things progress in the right direction.

I worry a lot about the police though, I didn’t exactly want to report him but it all happened very quickly and they had taken his details. It was like a nightmare but they are here to help, right?
The smell of his weed makes me sick and I hate feeling disgusted in my own house. I wish I felt safe and happy in my own place, like all of you I am sure.

It is really great talking to you and not feeling dismissed and like it’s all in my head.

My abuser has double standards, always had. But this stuff with the condoms hurt the most because he accused me of flirting with my friends in the past – and I lost these friends at one point for this reason – which wasn’t the case. He claimed being the most honest and wonderful person on Earth and that he would never hurt me. I even believed his main quality was to be reliable (when I tried to list the pros and cons, this was the only pro) and suddenly it’s like opening my eyes and understanding everything was b******t, everything was meaningless. It’s very painful. But I need to realise this is the reality, this is who he is.
Hugs to all of you, struggling with your abusers 🙁

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