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Has anyone else watched this? A group of young adults were shown a drama of a couple’s relationship over 18 months. As the story unfolded they were asked to decide whether the man’s behaviour was appropriate and justified, whether the woman’s behaviour was the cause of his behaviour, and so on.
From the perspective of my own experience the male in the relationship was controlling from the outset.
I expected the young people in the program to be much more perceptive than I had been at their age. So it was a shock to hear them justify the coercive behaviour, saying such things as ‘he’s like that because he cares’. That she was ‘flaky’, ‘lazy’, ‘had a problem with alcohol’, was ‘flirty’ and ‘showed too much flesh’. That she should be ‘grateful’ when he tells her how to dress.
I’d say watch it if you get the chance.
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I’ll have a look. I was equally shocked recently when a survey of 16-18 year olds found that 1/2 of the boys and 1/3 of the girls said that they thought that rape was OK in some circumstances.
Our society is still entrenched in devaluing women. We reduce then to domestic baubles to be owned by a man. You only need to look in a baby clothes shop or a toy shop to see what our expectations of boys and girls are. Most people don’t even notice it. And it’s getting worse, not better. I was shocked when I recently saw an Argos catalogue advertising “boys toys” and “girls toys”. I boycotted them and headed to a good old fashioned toy store where I was met with a pink isle full of pink toys, pink toy washing machines, ironing boards, dolls, makeup sets. The blue isle was full of racing cars, tool kits etc.
During marriage women can vow to honour and obey just before being pronounced man and wife – not husband and wife or man and woman. The woman is given away by her father to her husband. The man is not given away by anyone because nobody owns him. It’s in the, still firmly entrenched, expectation that women will do most of the unpaid work in the family home, they are almost always the unpaid primary career for children, even if we are working full time in a job that attracts unfairly, unequal pay than a job that is traditionally done by a man.
It is still deeply engrained in our society that women are baubles, sex toys, and unpaid servents. I work with young people and I’m not seeing many signs that this is likely to change anytime soon. No wonder there is so much abuse around.
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Hi Eggshells
I looked up the report you mention and it is shocking.
I note how, in both the report and the documentary, there’s a huge leaning towards women being responsible for what happens.
In the rape report they say blame women for being drunk, on drugs, wearing ‘provocative’ clothing, for not saying no ‘clearly’ enough, for not fighting back.
In the documentary they decide the woman has a problem with drink, that she can’t hold down a job, that she wasn’t grateful enough for being supported, that she didn’t have to stay.
Society always asks, ‘Why did she…?’
But if it’s the man DOING then the question ought to be ‘Why did he…?’
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Interesting watch. I’m in the same age group of participants in the group and I was suprised they couldn’t pinpoint the abuse. Having said that maybe I wouldn’t if I wasnt in an abusive relationship and started to clue myself up on it all. It’s such a shame it’s not part of the curriculum in school! x
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I’m sure I read that healthy relationships has become part of the school curriculum this year. But it’s shocking to think that it’s 2020 and we’re having to educate our young people on the basics, such as mutual respect. Both the girls and the boys in the TV program tended to think it was OK for a man to set the rules. It was OK if he got angry as she was the one whose behaviour fell short of his expectations. Sadly, while young people continue to hang on to these ingrained beliefs it’s unlikely they’ll ever see controlling abuse for what it is.
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