Bear with me…all will be resolved

[puzzledatlife]

Some of you will know my story. My seemingly lovely ex and I split up time ago. We were due to marry. I had reservations. I asked him if he could move out. Reason was in my opinion he neglected his kids, allowed their mother to abuse of the youngest psychologically and neglect her needs, including medical needs. The mother had the social services on and her other kid was removed from care after suicide attempt. The child who lived with us was a total mess. Total. I worked with her day and night and she blossomed in my home and we got really really attached. But he refused to step up and say she should just live with us and mom should be helped. I could no longer stand the toxicity of that person, the harm done to the kids. I ended up with palpitations and headaches but felt unable to leave. So I started onlime dating in the hope of finding a way out. He caught me and got very angry and I explained and he understood. He said he’d put everything right. Circumstances had taken over and I should be patient. I said we should postpone marriage and he should consider moving house. We started not trusting each other and looking into each other phone. One day he suddenly emailed me that he was going to move out. Didn’t speak to me, didn’t allow the kids to talk to each other, as i also have a child, he didn’t talk to my child and didn’t allow me to talk to her. And she literally adores me and I adore her and her and my kid really love each other.
After that we tried to reconcile. But the toxicity from mom remained. He said I had to be patient and hed put all in order. But during those months i could hardly see the girl. My son felt very let down. Then we decided to have Xmas together, at least a significant moment of the year. But he disappeared. Just texted he was in his cave and then texted he was finishing with me but we could be friends. I ended up seriously suicidal, first time ever. I got support medication etc and no contact. Felt my family had a car accident and the only survivors were me and my son. Pain was unbearable. Few months later the girl sought out for me and I could not shut my door on her. But she had reverted to the problems she had previously…with her toxic mom making her feel bad for asking contact and my ex unable to deal with this in a constructive way. If we arranged something often this would be cancelled allegedly because of mom, and my son was hanging at their discretion. But I had to be patient. All will be resolved he said. Things will be ok just let them be.
The problem is me then. I am unable to bear with it…
Kip here said in a post that an abuser seldom takes responsibility for his situation. Seems to fit perfectly. Girl is in this state because of mom. Me and my son are in this position because i am unable to bear with it…don’t respect others timing..with time all will be resolved. I heard this so many times.
In the past he accused me of being abusive. True I did online dating and felt stuck, I have done bad things too which have consequences that I accept. I have no doubt now that my ex has been uncaring towards everyone…unable to care, for the kids the dog even, me, his house, his money…whether he is abusive I don’t know. But certainly he has left enormous destruction where he has walked. 3 out of 3 women with whom he made a family ended up either suicidal or attempting suicide. His girls both have enormous issues. His dog ended up abandoned when he most needed us.
The journey post relationship is hard but it is helpful to see the patterns. For me the pattern is “all will be ok, just give it time” and what I have seen is just things getting worse and worse…But I should be just more patient shouldn’t I? Maybe all is really my fault…i am just joking. At this point I really know i am very patient and he is unable to care and take any responsibility. I still struggle to reconcile this with the wonderful man I thought he was but it is a big step for me to say…no, I should never bear with any of this.
X

[dustypink]

Hi,
I understand you!
I also believed my husband was telling me – everything will become better, we just need to be patient, wait a little. He told the kids will grow up and everything will settle up. Kids are older, everything became even worse.

I think as I am fair and always do what I say, I trust the people as I think they are the same. I trusted him also because this was easier for me.

Denying my present, my reality, finding for excuses for him, believing I can change the situation… this all made me stuck for years.

[puzzledatlife]

Yes, it took me a few months to understand that telling me that I am upset because I can’t be patient is another way of being neglectful. It was from the start…his girl had medical problems, and one of the aggravating things was that she was never taught to sleep alone in her room and to settle; so she had awful nights of sleep (and us too). “That’ll be ok over time” was a way to ignore her needs. This is just one example. In that case I drew a line and said either you get help with a sleep clinic to teach her to settle or I call the social services and I report you for neglect. And he did and the girl, guess what, learnt to sleep and her health improved. The other was was intoxicated every weekend. “She will turn into a fine young woman anyway, just give it time”…meanwhile we had to fetch her in the middle of the night and bring her home intoxicated, every time from a different place. “I am sorting everything out”, he kept saying, and things just got worse. Him blaming me that I “don’t allow things time”, now I see it, was a way to cover his own lack of parenting skills.
When we split he agreed that the youngest daughter adores me because of how I took care of her, and agreed that it was in the interests of the kids that I continued to see her. But he is unreliable and he let us down a lot, many times. He always blames her mom because her mom doesn’t like that her girl has an attachment to someone else. I am sure her mom is selfish in that way, but again he blames her, while he is equally a parent and by now should have learnt to put the child’s interests first. But “bear with this, I have got things in hands and all will be fine”. Meanwhile, months have gone and the contacts are irregular, she is often infantilised, she regressed in many ways, and he just says “be patient, I am sorting this out”, and I see with my eyes what this does to her, to my relationship with her, to her relationship with my son. A devastation that is unnecessary, and it is really strange because the end result is always the same. Things for him fall apart, they crumble, their exes attempt to take their life, his finances go bust, his daughters develop mental and physical illnesses, his dogs has literally rotten because of his neglect, our relationship has literally gone under an earthquake. All unnecessary suffering and he keeps blaming my lack of patience, or the girl’s mom, or the affairs and attempted suicide of his first wife etc etc etc.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you are out of this.
It sounds horrific.
You tried your best with the girl.
At least she got a glimpse of how things should be done.
Maybe that left an impression on her to be stronger in life. We can only hope, as she is out of your reach now.
Have you contacted social services and spoken to them about the situation and how she improved when you had a stronger hold of her?

[puzzledatlife]

Hi Ayanna; the girl still contacts me, when her dad allows and when her mom does not know!! When this happens she is super sweet with me and wants to be with me a lot. Unsurprisingly. She draws for me, often hearts, she sends me dozens of voice messages and pics on whatsapp from my ex’s phone, she says she knows I love her and she knows my house is her house and she can always come, it is just that, she says, parents sometimes don’t want.
I decided not to call the social services because she lives in a deprived area, and the social services have an extremely low budget. She would end up ‘no further action’ because she is not malnourished or unwashed. She goes to school and her problems become clear when you know her. Sometimes her dad brings her over. She was here a few days ago. I have a new pet. She asked me what the most important thing in my life is: I said you and my son. She said, isn’t the new pet more important than me? I said, how can you think this? You are my little friend, he is just a pet. She let me kiss her and when I grab her and hold her she says to her dad help me help me, but she is soft in my arms, not tense. She wants me always to cook for her, which is very significant given the issues with food she has.
I don’t want to make things more antagonising than necessary, and if I call the social services they will know I have done it, so it won’t strengthen my relations with the kids, and she won’t benefit as she will be a no further action kid, and she’ll bump in and out of the social services for years. Therefore I have taken legal action. I can’t give details here because they will be removed.

[Author]

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