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I’ve been married over (detail removed by Moderator) it’s just now I realise it was abusive,My children say if he wants a fight then he goes to my son if he wants to argue he goes to my daughter if he wants someone to bully he comes to me. What ever I do is wrong not good enough it’s only just now I have started to defend myself and it’s not going down to well.He shouts and swears at me all the time then try’s to tell i got it wrong, He say’s me and the children who are adults are parasites even though they help me and keep me sane, it’s hard because we have a business together ,ive been walking on eggshells that long it seems normal,ive even know what mood he is in by the way he ends a text to me, and now he’s saying he is the abused one and it’s all my fault.
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Hello and welcome.
Exactly like my abusive ex husband. Same wording. I used to get called a parasite. Blamed for everything. I Was dragging him down like an albatross round his neck. Which deosnt even make sense. I think he meant anchor lol. And yes i was the abusive one and he, the poor man with a criminal conviction for assaultong me was the victim. Mine too didnt hit me. Only because i would always back down to keep the peace. Until towards the end when i began tomrealise exactly what he was. I woundnt back down and he became violent so please be very careful. They are most dangerous when they think we are trying to leave. -
thank you so much for replying, today i thought i was going mental and was questioning if it was really me at fault, (detail removed by Moderator) he went off on one so i went and stayed with my sister for the night I did’nt reply to his texts, so now i am the bad one he dose’nt understand he frightend me, just say’says I betrayed his trust he always manages to turn it around so its about him,because his upbring hasa child was abusive he says i dont know what abuse is but i know this is not right,my farther was brought up with a violent farther but he made sure he wa not like that with us or our mom,so that does’nt give him any excus for his behaviour. he’s also so jelous of the realashionship i have with our children which he cold also have if he did’nt have such unrealistic and unacheivable expections from everyone
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They are experts at twisting the truth and making us feel like we are going mad. If you could get in touch with your local womens aid they can help you understand the dynamics of abuse. Im quite sure he understands that he frightens you. Thats the whole point. Thats how they keep control. I tried for decades to make my husband understand. He would say I was too sensitive or it was just a joke etc. Truth is they know exactly what they are doing. And they get a kick out of it. He wont change and abuse always gets worse. Ring the helpline number on here and chat to an expert x
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Welcome stillwaters,
They hate and alienate their own children because they are devoid of empathy. They have three emotions anger, fury and jealousy. They cannot feel empathy, joy and love like we do. They are empty shells that’s why they feed off our emotions to make them feel more alive. They do not even feel fear (but boy do they know how to instil fear). They cannot love, they are incapable of love even their own off- spring. All they crave, need and want is Power and control and they will cause mayhem and hurt to get this. They pretend to be like a normal human being, they develop a fake personality so we think they are normal but they are not. Its not you personally. He chose you because you are kind, good and have a heart with lots of emotions. He needs your emotions to feed off. When he sees you hurt, upset, worried and with an unmanageable life and he knows he has caused this (behind the scenes) he is laughing to himself. he feels Powerful.
Keep posting.
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There is a good book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. And ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft.
Dont make the mistake of thinking they play by the same rules as you. There are no rules with an abuser. All you can do is try to remove yourself and your children frim his reach. My ex behaviour worsened when our son was born, which is often the case. Using my son to hurt and control me. Threatening to take him from me. Same with my pet dog.
Its beyond devastating to realise that you are being abused by someone you love and you think loves you in return. I once read that someone you meet in five minutes can have better intentions than someone youve known your whole life. -
Hello stillwaters,
You’re not alone. The ladies above have given you good advice. I am still in an abusive relationship and at the beginning I used to think it was down to me to please eeryone and make everyone happy, but no abuser is ever happy. I used to encourage my children to bond with their father but then I realised it was all about him. When they were very little I used to tell them to wave goodbye to their dad when he was off to work but one day he turned around and said “can’t you control them? people will think we’ve got cats and dogs trying to escape.” He still says nasty things about them which hurt me very deeply.
Being abused is no excuse, your father was a good man regardless of his abuse. Your husband is not. Hurting the people you’re supposed to love is one of the worst things I can think of. As your children are adults now, maybe you could think about finding yourself in a better situation. Abuse is abuse whether it’s physical or not and sometimes the non physical kind is far worse. I feel I have no right to give advice as I am still struggling with my own situation but it breaks my heart to think of what you are going through because I know what it’s like. What kind of partner or life would your parents want to see you with. I hope I’ve not upset anyone, I’m still quite new to this myself. The most helpful thing I can say is you’re not alone, you just have to reach out.
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sorry stillwaters, I wanted to correct myself, I meant the abuse your father suffered not that he was abusive. Sorry still shaky after a stressful time yesterday. I come on here to give myself a little clarity when I feel I am losing myself and forgetting my escape plan. This forum is a great place. Take care of yourself
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Had to go for scan the other week very nervous about results of biopsy which I should have appointment for soon he says when your times up and they have to have something to put on the death certificate what a caring husband I have starting to see him for what he is sneaky even his own family don’t think that much of what he’s become
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just getting the Pat Craven book I have also started to read has much has possible about emotional abuse which is starting to make me see things for what they are, but its still hard, i am finding hope is a dangerous and hurtful emotion with these people but im at a advantage i have a good network around me, but its still hard ,hope makes you think it will all be ok when truthfully it will never be and the sad thing is he has disowned our daughter for going back with her abusive partner cause he says its no right how the hell can he judge i just tell her she is young beautiful and kind and deserves the main course not scraps im trying to be strong for my children now, even though he is still in my life going into partnership with him and not having my own income which does not involve him makes it hard cause bills still have to be paid, but i have so much respect and am so thankful for you ladiesfor letting me know im not alone
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