Been here before

[Coogeebee]

I have been here before over and over! My partner of (detail removed by moderator) has persistently been emotionally, verbally abusive and manipulative. Everything is my fault. He is suffering from anxiety and using it now as an excuse to gas light me all the time. Tonight he told me he can’t stand how I treat him and he is going to (detail removed by moderator) because the way I treat him is abusive! OMG! I’m the most patient or maybe stupid person I know! I have put up with his abuse, gas lighting, manipulation belittling etc, supported him with his anxiety, (detail removed by moderator), laziness, OCD throughout our time together. He doesn’t acknowledge that my depression is mainly of his making. I’ve been on the brink of leaving so many times but I just can’t find the courage to go. I have no one to confide in, nowhere to go! I’m stuck here at (detail removed by moderator) years old with my life disappearing before my eyes! All I do is work full time in (detail removed by moderator) and do housework! I seriously think I am about to have a breakdown. I’m stuck here, I have a little dog I refuse to leave with him. My grown Daughter knows what he is like and has begged me to leave. But where do I go! Do I leave everything I have worked for behind? And worst of all I actually feel sorry for him, as I know he won’t cope if I left. The garden is a tip and his tat fills the house. Should I try and go and just leave it all to him to sort out? I just want peace in my (detail removed by moderator) to just be me! I don’t even know who I am anymore? I get so angry with myself for not being strong enough to just get on with it and go! What a pathetic wimp I am. If I rent privately I wouldn’t get housing benefit because I earn too much, but not enough to pay full rent and run a car which I need for my job! I just go round in circles. He makes me feel everything is my fault, and I am abusing him. He’s even threatened to call the Police and says I’m mad and need help. This is usually after I have bitten my tongue for days to keep the peace then he pushes me over the edge and I shout back. I need to break this awful cycle! But I can’t see how? I know this sounds pathetic but I worry about him loosing his home because if I left he wouldn’t be able to stay here. He doesn’t earn enough to pay the rent. I can’t go on like this, I just want some peace and me back. When he is out the house is so peaceful, I listen to music, sing, dance, laugh, sleep! I’m me. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes. He was out today and didn’t even say hello when he came in. Another story, over my having to get a (detail removed by moderator) in a hurry and you wouldn’t believe the fuss! Hes sulking because I won’t go back to (detail removed by moderator) about a couple of little things that need fixing on it that he discovered when he (detail removed by moderator). But I don’t want to, I just couldn’t stand the stress of getting another (detail removed by moderator)! He isn’t talking to me now except to tell me he is giving up work and getting help because of the way I treat him. I don’t know how much longer I can keep working with this stress, and I’m scared all this will affect my work. It is so hard to try and cope as normal when I feel sick inside. I know what I should do, but how! I have nowhere to go! I would happily move into senior accommodation, the bliss of going back into my home at the end of the day and being able to relax! But it all seems like an impossible dream. I’m so alone and trapped.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Coogeebee

I’m sorry for your daily struggles to be happy, and to continually have to fight his abuse in one way or another.

Its so draining. You can make statements, to the police about his behaviour, pick some particular incidents the major and some recent, over the years you have been together to represent what you experience. Try to get in touch with a DA agency, Women’s Aid hold a list here that you can search for supports in your area specifically.

You can use quotes, of names he’s called you and particular abusive things he has said to you, and state his actions to hurt you, gaslight you, etc. Those can be used to acquire a non-molestation order, and also an occupation order. If you could manage the rental of your current property without him it could be worth speaking with whoever you have your tenancy agreement with to advise them of the issues and that you intend to take on the rental yourself (once the police/occupation orders are in place).

Otherwise, Refuge would be able to help you to get away and into other housing.

I hope it has helped you some to write out your feelings and situation, and that you will feel free to keep writing, asking questions, finding out what you need to make some difficult decisions for you, how to protect your feelings from him, and to not take on responsibility for his behaviours and what he is doing to destroy the relationship/you, these are his actions for which he must take consequences.

warmest wishes

ts

[Coogeebee]

Thank you for your reply. I have been to my local domestic violence group in the past and there are Police records on file from the past and at my Council. I’m too scared to get an order to get him out. I’m just stuck in this horrible existence. If I could get him out I could do a swop to a (detail removed by moderator). I am going to make an appointment with my housing officer tomorrow to discuss. Recently I have been recording his conversations with me. Last night he came in and said he was (detail removed by moderator). Because he (detail removed by moderator). He genuinely sees himself as the victim. I’m doing everything to him. Today he went to work and came home telling me he was (detail removed by moderator) and he was getting me out. We have a joint tenancy so he can’t do that. He does pay (detail removed by moderator). I pay everything else. When I suggest (detail removed by moderator) he just starts being verbally abusive to me. I’m starting to think maybe it is my fault. But I have had so many years of his abuse that I am I admit cold to him and I have as little to do with him as I can. But I’ve been hurt so badly by his insults and unpredictability I don’t trust him. Today he said he was going to (detail removed by moderator). He didn’t and she wouldn’t listen to him. I think she is fed up with me going to leave, then not leaving. She knows what he’s like. She owns a (detail removed by moderator) with her husband they have Tenants but she had offered to give them notice and I can live there. But I have said no because I’m afraid it might stop me from getting a council place. Another thing I need to discuss with the housing officer. Im not leaving my little dog here with him. She is a traumatised rescue and totally relies on me. Everything just seems so daunting. I know that if I could just go I would be happy on the end. At least I could go home from work and shut the door and not have to worry about his mood. I feel such an idiot for not going years ago but I had the usual if you leave I will kill myself. I feel so alone. If it wasn’t for my daughter and grandson I wouldn’t really care what happens to me.

[Twisted Sister]

you must include his threats to kill himself (emotional blackmail), and its common for the abusers to be ‘the abused’ you tried to control them, you are gaslighting etc.

I know its daunting, its very daunting, and he has got criminal acts on record already.

You are not an idiot, its wearing, it wears you down, its much too hard to take on everything, but you already do have a lot on your side.

You need him to be out so that you can start caring about what happens to you. Your children only wanted you to get out because they care so much about you and can see it, sometimes others can see it better than we can, but it is easier when you are not caught in the middle of it, you had some heavy emotional blakmailing going on, and thats some heavy coercion. You will have to be prepared that if you did this he may attempt something like that, as he may be serious, but you have gone more than the mile to support him, he has to support himself, he’s not a child and therefore not your responsibility. Let him stand on his own two feet/or not, but thats his lookout.

Its so much easier to say from the outside, but I think you are stating it clearly what you are having to live under, and you have some steps in place already. I wish you every strength for your progress.

warmest wishes

ts

[Coogeebee]

Thank you. It is hard to remember everything! I also have a very responsible full time job and I try not to let his behaviour affect my work. Sitting in the living room watching (detail removed by moderator). Atmosphere is tense, I just know he is going to start at some point, but I’m stubborn I won’t let him bully me into not being able to sit in my own living room and watch TV. He’s been cleaning all afternoon because apparently I don’t do anything!

[Grey Rock]

Hi – so much of what you wrote resonate with my own experiences. Please do let the agency you’ve spoken with help you to formulate a safe exit plan. They won’t put any time pressures on you, but it really is useful to go through all the options, possibilities and risk factors with someone.
My ex also threatened suicide, and tried to lure me back by phoning and saying he’d taken tablets. The first time I stupidly believed him and rushed back to support him. It quickly went back to how it had been before and grew worse. The treading on eggshells really wore me down and I got so I didn’t trust my own thoughts or judgement and could barely function. My work definitely suffered.

One of the books that really helped me was Out of the FOG, which talks about how we end up in a ‘F.O.G.’made up of Fear Obligation and Guilt, and how abusers use all these to control us. It really helped me to make sense of my experiences (and why, as a usually strong and intelligent woman I had made the choices I had and was so stuck and indecisive) and move on and heal emotionally.

I left in the end with just what I could throw in my car in ten minutes. Luckily I had organised my wardrobe so that essential items were stored in two drawers and a specific area of hanging space , so I had what I needed, which although not much , was more than I’d had while in that house! I’d already gradually removed passport, birth certificate, car and driving documents, and career / qualification documents and stored them safely at work (as per my safe exit plan.) I’d also changed all my passwords and PIN numbers as I’d felt in my gut that things were brewing for the next blow-up. That said, when I got in my car I had no idea where I was going to go, and it was incredibly scary. The thing is, we are strong, intelligent, resourceful women, and once removed from the abusers control we can amaze ourselves with what we achieve. I had a number of temporary addresses before I finally got a council place. Once there I got some grants to help with basic furnishings/ carpet (even though I’m in full time employment). The thing is, it had to be a leap (of desperation more than faith) because there was no way to sort all that stuff out while I was still with my ex.

Take care.
GR

[Coogeebee]

Hi Thank you for your response. I will definitely read that book. Do you mind me asking where you lived when you first left? I literally have no one I can go to, plus I have my dog. I know that sounds daft but she has been neglected in the past and left and I just can’t do that to her again. It’s just all so exhausting.

[weather]

Well done, Grey Rock. I was able to get out (detail removed by Moderator). I had only (detail removed by Moderator) months to source employment and I was lucky that I managed to get away from my abuser at the time. I know that Wonmen’s Aid had initially helped me with my cat and it was hard having her fostered but it was better than leaving her at the hands of my abuser. I sometimes look at the things I have from that period in my life and just want to give most of it away to charity, which I’ll be trying to do this year. Please bear in mind that I also had nowhere to go and certain legal organisations had also let me down. I did eventually lose my new sourced employment and went from one job to the next losing more employment. I even had to live off eating porridge and apples to reduce my outings without any real financial support.

Wishing you all the best with your exit strategy.

[Grey Rock]

When I first left I ended up driving to my brothers (who I’d never been close with and had sporadic contact with over the last 20 years at best – we’re now close after he helped me out and listened when I most needed him to). I found a private rental the next day through a Christian Accomodation webpage the next day – it was pretty amazing.

I will say though that I didn’t manage to take my dog. I’d only had her a few months and the ex insisted that she be taken back to the shelter when she snapped at him when he was being nasty to me. Since then I’ve heard that many shelters would have been able to help out short term so it may be worth investigating that. If someone could maybe foster short term you’d be more freed up to get sorted initially I suppose. Xx

[Grey Rock]

Just looking and Dogs Trust and RSPCA might be worth contacting for help with short term foster care for your dog x

[weather]

It’s hard giving up pets. I had to eventually give up my cat after initially trying to keep her. (detail removed by Moderator) so at the time of separation I managed to get her back. I was also able to move to a part of the UK where rentals were cheaper and kept her for a number of years until COVID happened and I ended up having to give her up. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my special cat. She was such a good friend to me.

Wishing you all the best of luck with your exit plan.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi weather

I am very sorry to hear that, they become a much loved member of the family and leave such a hole when they have to leave. Also for Grey Rock, sympathies for you having to leave your little doggie behind, after she tried challenge his threats to you, poor little thing was doing her instinctive best. Its so heartbreaking on top of everything else that we face at that time.

warmest wishes

ts

[Hiya@]

This all sounds so familiar,he often said that I was abusing him. Usually when I stood up and confronted his very unreasonable behaviour, honestly not a safe move on my part. It does make things a little more difficult when you have a much loved pet, my charming ex threatened to have my gorgeous dog put down if I left, so i could never leave. Sadly my dog died about (detail removed by Moderator) ago and I finally had no reason to stay.
So my small advice is have all the housing meetings you can, I have luckily been able to stay with friends and family. Think about what you need to leave, clothes and paperwork most important. Leaving is tough but staying and living under his control is harder.
Stay strong x

[weather]

Dear Twisted Sister,

Thank you for your concern. I had my cat for a number of years and am hoping that I can one day afford to have a dog. But, I’ll always remember my cat fondly; as she kept me going through most of my DV when I had no one to rely on.

Dear Coobeegee,
It isn’t going to be easy leaving initially. Please do what you feel is best for your safety.

I sincerely hope you’re able to resolve your issues.

All my sincere regards,

Weather

[Bopbop11]

I have lived that life, its mentally draining so no wonder you feel on the verge of a breakdown . Its hard to see past what you have now to leave . I felt sorry for my ex he would always play some emotional card then got health problems so i kept taking him back then hating myself for doing it .ive been free for almost (detail removed by Moderator) now ,you have to let him sort his own life out and think about you hun . Its hard to leave but its just as hard if not more to keep feeling the way you do. I wasted (detail removed by Moderator) yrs . Do you have a good friend to help you or family x

[StrongLife]

Please be careful and seek help from refuge or alternatively other accommodations. There is also helplines you with this and organisations who will help you.

I understand how difficult it is to leave especially with pets. So difficult. Please be safe.

[Author]

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