Been here before

[Anonymous]

So tonight i got out im feeling a mixture of relief but also guilt and anxious about being alone. It was only a couple of days ago he promised hed buck up but id already had enough.
Do they ever change? Can it sometimes be fixed? I mean he promises to be the man i fell in love with again hes in there somewhere so can a break fix it and it go back to happy times?

[fizzylem]

Good for you, great to read R. No, I don’t believe so, they usually go on to cause more misery with some one else, reek more stress, distress and devastation. The patterns in his behaviour you have experienced and are also experienced with others. In other words, their problems become other peoples problems whoever they are around.

The man you talk about falling in love with likely doesn’t really exist, he is either only one part of the man or he actively set out to be the man you wanted him to be, he presented himself as your perfect match and soul mate, he did this by agreeing with all your beliefs and values, he idolised you and this felt kind of nice, a bit off and uncomfortable at times, but why question this right? So after a few months in you were left thinking and feeling we’re really similar, I’ve never met anyone like this before, he gets me and I him, I’ve found my match and it feels amazing to feel so wanted. The sexual attraction was mutual, but from here, he only pretended to be compatible with you, they do this to get you hooked in, his feet under the table and their needs met.

Life is much better and easier when a good woman is taking care of him – he knows this. As soon as he knows he has you hooked in, that you are invested in the relationship, he recognises that you are now vulnerable and can be exploited, in other words, I can do what I like now and she wont leave, this is when his behaviour changes, he relaxes and you start to see that he can not control his anger, he reacts from his emotions, is controlling and posessive, selfish, that he has to win and be a dominant force.

He employs a number of tactics to gain control over you, that lead you into self doubt, hoping for a brighter day, working for him, a loss of self esteem, not understanding why you can not communicate, I mean you tried to tell him how you felt right? Feeling and knowing he doesn’t really know me. There is no real openess and intimacy between us. Eventually you say nothing, withdraw into yourself as this is easier, you don’t want to cause any conflict, this is too scary, and what’s the point in trying he wont lsiten anyway hey. It’s always my fault. You become lost and feel you don’t know who you are anymore, feel worn out and worn down, and trapped.

So, this man you met, is also the man you know now much better now, you’ve seen all of his sides, his mask has slipped and he has revealed to you who he is. You can’t have just the nice guy, you also get the dreadful parts of him too.

The error we all made was that we committed to the relationship before we really new who he was, and we didn’t stop it when something felt a miss or not right either, we did this at a time when we felt he was the one, without really fully knowing this; however, don’t beat yourself up about this, rather use it to help you make better choices next time, to slow the pace right down, so you really get to know a person first, before you get too invested in the relationship; they are master manipulators, they manipulate our feelings and perceptions, lead us into believing all sorts of things to get what he wants, they have no conscience when it comes to lying either hey, but if you think back now, you will be able to now spot that there were some red flags there right from the very beginning. If you do this, if you identify these flags now, this will prevent you from blindly moving forwards, because you will spot these flags and warning signs in future in others – in all of your relationships – and this will help enusre this never happens again, as long as you act when you see a red flag and thus always respond to yourself and your needs and protect the self.

Sorry to say, but no there is no moving forwards with these men, there is only going round and round again in the cycle of abuse, the only way forwards is alone. You don’t need him R, really you don’t, he’s preventing you from being all that you are and can be x

[Anonymous]

That is very very true thank you for taking the time to write that x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Rummonkey, no they can only change if they want to and only with probably years of therapy. They will also promise you the world. My ex even went to therapy off his own back, I went along to some sessions (not recommended) what struck his therapist and me was his saying he would do anything to win me back. Not he’d do anything to make me feel safe, happy. It’s always about what’s in it fir them. Get as much info as you can on abusive behaviour, many abusers have n**********c tendencies, can be pathological liars, psychopathic or even sociopathic but I personally wouldn’t term them as such, not without a clinical diagnosis.
I do think their social behaviour was stunted, how they were nurtured as children has had an impact on their behaviour growing up. But that’s my opinion.
Best wishes IWMB

[Anonymous]

I too believe that 100% he was given a hard time by his father very strict & little to no love before his dad walked out on the family (he abused his mother physically) i think that shaped him he wont realise this.

Thank you for your message x

[Author]

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