9th February 2024 at 6:46 pm #165971
Hi everyone. I’ve been coming to this forum for years now and over that time, as horrible as it sounds, I’ve had so much comfort from knowing I am not alone. It really helps with the heavy lonely feeling when I read others experiences and how they’re coping and dealing with similar experiences as me gives me courage and strength. So thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.
We’ve been married a long time and we have teenage children. I can’t tell you all how much I wished I had left when the children were small as it seems to be so much harder now as I don’t want to rip their lives apart at this vulnerable age. But I didn’t, I’m here and I need to figure out how I’m going to do this.
My abuse is pretty much everything other than hitting/physical. And boy is he clever about it. Nobody knows, not one single person knows the hell and torture I live through on a daily basis. On the outside, we are a perfect family. We’re absolutely not.
Digs about not doing things right
Digs about not bringing the kids up right
Digs about what I eat
Digs about my friends
Digs about the house not being tidy enough
Digs about the washing not being done on time
Digs about what I watch on TV
Basically, if there is an opportunity to make a dig – he gladly takes it.
Constant blame – he always manages to make anything negative, bad or wrong be my fault, and he does it in the most convincing way. He takes responsibility for nothing therefore when something goes wrong, it was my fault/ my idea etc.
Aggression – 80% passive aggressiveness, which is torture, constantly wondering what I’ve done. 20% actual aggression, shouting, swearing, dehumanising me.
Gaslighting – he’s a pro! I’m glad I’ve figured out what it means as it all makes sense now, he goes quiet for days, doesn’t speak, actually ignores me then I ask if I’ve done something to upset him, he then gets angry and asks what I’m talking about and tells now there is something wrong because I’ve asked him that for no reason. He makes out my memory is bad and if we discuss anything from the past it’s his version of events or nothing, it’s the most frustrating feeling when he does this when I know my memory is correct.
Sex – he’s never once told me ‘you cannot say no when I want sex’ but he has made it clear in many other words and ways and anytime I’ve dared to say no, I’m punished by either verbal abuse, called names or given the silent treatment.
Money – we both work (together which makes this whole situation 100 times worse) and both earn money. He doesn’t restrict money but always makes plans for saving or investing and (another of his digs is how bad I am with money and how I previously had debt) which low and behold has resulted in me having secret credit card debt that he doesn’t know about, which causes me extreme anxiety.
Friends and family – again he’s never once told me I can’t go out with friends, see friends or spend time with family. So why don’t I? I know what will happen there will be moods, accusations or something. His behaviour doesn’t need him to tell me to not do anything, it’s so weird.
Accusations – I get accusations from anything from 20 years ago to present day. Not a lot because I never do anything to give any reason to accuse me of anything (which I’ve never done anyway, I wouldn’t dare) but every now and again, he flips and all he’ll breaks loose when he’s got something in his head he thinks I’ve done.
Sorry for the long post. I’ve tried to keep it short. I could ramble all day as I’ve never spoken to anyone or wrote anything down. Basically, I I’m really ready to leave BUT I’m so worried about the kids. They are so lovely and kind and I don’t want their lives to be ruined. I don’t have anywhere to go, I don’t have any money. The house is in his name. Does anyone have advice or similar situations where they have left? I can’t leave until I’ve organised somewhere to live. I’m going to pluck up the courage and speak to my mum as I know she’ll have my back, that’s all I want, someone to have my back because I know when I do leave, he’ll get super nasty!
9th February 2024 at 8:04 pm #165974StrongLifeParticipant
I am sorry to hear all this but glad your have been reading the forum and getting encouragement from reading. Good on you for posting.
Gaslighting is difficult. I understand all the constant criticism too. Isolation away from friends and criticism of friends if they do come over drives them away.
I too was stuck in staying for the kids situation until there was crisis and I did not. I stayed with kids as single mom until he escalated out of control as I left further.
Please be careful in this situation. I would suggest calling through to domestic violence hotline and leaving with the kids before it does become out of control. If the kids are over age, they may have seperate ideas themselves.
9th February 2024 at 8:52 pm #165983
Thank you for your reply strongLife.
Did you finally leave and are you at peace now? We’re your children older or younger?
I hope your life is better now.
9th February 2024 at 9:16 pm #165984nbumblebeeParticipant
Snap. Me too im here and everything you have said and more is me.
Welcome Im so glad you reached out this place these women have held me up more times than I know and as sad as it is that you are here you are welcome here.
You say nobody knows i thought that too until recently but people see they may not say it bit they see it feel it but may be waiting for you. Deffo reach out you will be amazed at peoples responses i have been.
Im trying to work out if I want to stay or leave i have been for years i just cant seem to believe and get it to stick. This is what they do to us. Talking it through opening up trusting others is huge it hurts but its the first step to safety sweetie.
10th February 2024 at 7:17 am #165987Better-daysParticipant
I could have written your post word for word. It’s so draining and very difficult my kids r a bit younger, but my oldest is starting to talk like his dad and I will be forever sorry if he ruins my son. I worry so much I’m putting my kids at more risk by leaving but I know I need them to know that this is not acceptable. I spend all my wage on the house kids ect. He earns double and saves half his wage for our future apparently. But like that u I don’t have extra cash to put away. Private rents in my area are crazy. I know that if you contact your local woman’s aid they can help with housing. Reaching out to ur mum will probably be the best thing and a weight off your shoulders. I have reached out a little to friends they r desperate for me to leave tho and don’t understand it’s not that easy for me. You sound like you’re taking the steps you need. Well done even reaching out is not easy. Xx
10th February 2024 at 7:51 am #165989sweet4Participant
I didn’t know he had a (detail removed by Moderator), (detail removed by Moderator) living in my bedroom away from him, so when he goes to work i come downstairs, i dont have any friends or relatives so i dont have anywhere to go, last time, he screamed at me, well it was more of an angry voice,GET OUT, then ive had, im ridiculous, i dont get undressed in front of him and i didnt even tell him, controlling, im weird, we only have sex on holiday, its ridiculous..he has anger issues, every time, we break up, he will get help, no he does not, lies, lies and more lies, he laughs everything off.. so i know, i feel your pain, start, hiding money, in your bedroom, not in the bank,change passwords, etc, contact live chat on here, well they could not help me, but they may help, you have friends, tell them. keep posting.
10th February 2024 at 8:42 am #165990
Thank you ladies for your replies. I’m so sorry you are all experiencing this too.
Nbumblebee, I know exactly what you mean. We go through the same process over and over again, for years. Wanting to leave then wanting to stay. There’s the good days that we hang on to that makes us so confused. I know I want to leave, 100%. I fantasise what life would be like with just me and the kids and not him in it and a smile crosses my face. Which is rare. So I know I need to. I just don’t know how.
Better days. Thank you. I find it hard to reach out because I am so unbelievably embarrassed. I don’t want people to know that I’ve lived like this for so long and I need to get this thought process out my head. I also, don’t want my kids to know. I don’t know why I feel so protective of my horrible lifestyle. I’m glad you reached out a little to your friends, keep doing so and let them help you if they can. I know once I tell my mum, there will be no going back. I guess that’s a scary thought for me.
Sweet4 I’m sorry you don’t have anyone to turn to for support. Have you reached out to your local woman’s aid? Keep putting money away and hopefully one day you’ll have just enough to break free.
Sometimes I stare At myself in the mirror and can’t believe what I’m looking at. The person before would not put up with any c**p from anyone. I actually talk to myself in the mirror and tell myself to remember who I am and f**k him and it actually gives me a bit of mental strength for a while then he could knock that with one look.
He controls my mood, I hang on every single word, mannerism, action be makes, day in day out. I can read him like a book, I know what each tone, expression, mannerism means, I can tell what mood he’s in by the way he does little things. He drains me and has drained the life out of me. The heartbreaking thing for me is that I feel like he has robbed our kids of an authentic happy mum. I do my best to pretend to be happy and fun but inside I’m on a nervous wreck.
I also forgot to mention about the constant tests. Does anybody else get this? He’s always testing me, and he thinks I don’t know which is the weird part. I can tell when I’m getting tested to see whether I’ll initiate sex, if I don’t I’m questioned. If I do, I’ve passed. I get tested for so many things.
I hate him so much. I can’t wait to be free!
10th February 2024 at 9:24 am #165991nbumblebeeParticipant
Tests oh yes. Where were you today? What time did you get home? He checks on our ring door bell. Who were you with? What happened? What was traffic like on and on to trick me mine is convinced I am having an affair and goes on and on checking my facebook etc. Calls me pops home to check im alone oh I could go on and on. Its the nice days that kill me i get so close then he cries or buys me things treats me nice and i think its me not him Im the narc im the selfish one.
You are not alone feel free to chat to me anytime sweetie but please do reach out to your mum you will be pleasantly suprised x
10th February 2024 at 9:39 am #165992BananaboatParticipant
Sounds so familiar and sorry you’re going through this. One thing I learnt after leaving is that it definitely wasn’t just me suffering. My teen felt all that same tension in the air, had the anxiety about him coming home or what mood he’d be in, not wanting to come downstairs (which at the time I thought was just them being a teenager but they confessed later it wasn’t), fear about what to eat/wear, even now a certain phrase about what job they’d end up with sticks in their head as a negative dig. They also dreaded holidays, birthdays, Christmas, knew planned days out would get cancelled etc but being a child felt they couldn’t say anything and also tried to overcompensate for me & siblings. Teens also hear a lot, they listen to the shouting, the accusations & digs more than younger kids. It’s not easy leaving and you’ll definitely swing back and forth until you drive yourself mad but I just wanted to share that sometimes when we think we’re protecting our kids or can’t leave because of them, they’re actually wanting us to x*x
10th February 2024 at 10:48 am #165999
My behaviour definitely changes when he’s around and I become more apologetic and nervous and I’ve wondered if the kids notice. I guess I choose to convince myself that they don’t. I’m constantly on egg shells and have a strong feeling of impending doom all the time!
I’m so scared about what’s all to come and I’ve wanted to to this for years and always found an excuse not too. I’m determined this time to see it through. I just need to get my head straight and figure out a plan. When I imagine what it will be like I’m crippled with fear but amongst that, a tiny little bit of excitement comes through at the thought of being free. I’m hanging on to that tiny feeling.
I’m so glad to hear your free now and hope so much that you are finally happy.
10th February 2024 at 9:52 am #165994HereforhelpParticipant
My children were teenagers when I finally separated from their abusive dad…. the shame you feel is what he will rely on to keep you quiet…you have nothing to be ashamed of.. he no doubt can be really nice at times?…
“The heartbreaking thing for me is that I feel like he has robbed our kids of an authentic happy mum. I do my best to pretend to be happy and fun but inside I’m on a nervous wreck”… we all do our best to shield our children but as they have been raised within an abusive environment they will have sensed/picked up moods etc just like we do… my children also altered their behaviour when their dad was around…
You are welcome to PM me… I went through similar and have 2 children..I am sometime out now.
10th February 2024 at 1:40 pm #166002Sad and aloneParticipant
Can relate to so many of your points. It’s sad when you read other people’s posts but it does help you feel not so alone in a way.
I too constantly get the past thrown in my face. Any mistake or misjudgement. Criticised constantly, told I’m only good at simple tasks and it’s “just the way I am”. Always getting other people held up against me. Always told I need to change.
Since coming here I’ve looked back over the years (we’ve been together a long time) and can see all these different times where it was happening. Not so regularly as now which is maybe why I didn’t put two and two together. It makes you feel like you’ve wasted your life. And also makes me regret not leaving.
Ridiculous thing is if someone you knew was being treated this way you’d be telling them to leave! I used to say anyone lays hands on me and I’m off. Yet here I am. Even though I’m pretty certain he hates me. As the way he acts there isn’t an ounce of love. The things he’s done. I think are we clinging on to the ways things were when they were good? Things must’ve been good at some point to be with them in the first place! I don’t know…
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