Been out a while… But struggling

[shine bright 2]

Hi,
I haven’t been on here for a long time, but I feel bad. I got away because the police moved us before his trial.
I should be grateful, that’s what everyone tells me. But why? When he got out he went straight back to our home town, where my kids were born and where I grew up. I am away and can’t talk t anyone.
I miss my old name and my kids old name. I k kw the actual names dont matter, but I feel like we lost everything and he didn’t. I am sad slot. I miss everyone and I have had to take a c**p job… How is this right or fair. Taking us miles and miles from home a d dumping us without any real help.. Yet he gets to live a mile from where he raped and beat me. Everything is hard. I used to think having my kids would stop me really hurting myself… I’m not sure anymore. Why couldn’t they just keep us safe where we were? I am lost as a person, I have no identity, no proper job, and no friends. The police won’t give information about why he waS released early when he was sectioned as a danger to the public. I don’t think I can carry on.

[KIP.]

Yes, you can carry on. You have to for you and the kids and not to give him the satisfaction. Do you have regular counselling? You have a right to be informed as a victim. Do you have an advocate from women’s aid or victim support. I have days when I really flounder. I think you’re missing the normality and familiarity of where you were. And it’s extremely unfair that you had to move. However I stayed and it caused me huge anxiety and mental health problems seeing him about my home town. He would come very near to where I lived. I’m now at a stage where I’m deciding it’s time for me to move. Not because he forced me to but because I feel ready. Your circumstances are different as your kids would be in danger but I stayed and faced him and there was a price to pay for that too. If you think your case has been mishandled or you feel you’re not getting the information you need for peace of mind then keep asking. Go higher up the tree until you get the answers you deserve. You have every right to be angry and frustrated but it’s early days yet. Do you think given more time you will settle where you are or do you think about moving again?

[lover of no contact]

Hi shinebright2,

Great to hear from you. I remember when you were living with him and the awful abuse you were subjected to, and I so feared for your life and the miracle that it was that you got yourself and your children out of the abusive relationship. And yes I can understand how unfair it is for you and your children and that it seems as if he has had few consequences now that he is free from prison and back in the area in which he was living.

Him getting his freedom back, and moving back into the area has triggered you. These feelings will pass but its totally normal to feel angry at the unfairness of it. And it is so unfair. My father said to me one day I was upset about some injustice ‘Life is unfair’. Well having been in relationship with an abuser I really do understand the meaning of those words. My abuser too appears to be having no consequences or discomforts despite abusing people left, right and centre. The people he is abusing are spending years ‘picking up the pieces’, while he seems to be continuing to harm and destroy lives.

My lovely cousin took his own life in huge distress whilst being abused by his abuser -wife. She meanwhile is financially very well off now to his death, the new and latest of everything, got herself a new partner and seems to have gotten off scot-free despite tormenting this lovely man to his death. And my poor aunt (his mother) has to watch this daily as the abuser wife lives next door.

Its normal to feel as you do and allow yourself to mourn and grieve your losses (so many of them including your name and identity). Allow yourself to feel sad, to feel angry, get the feelings out with us on here in this safe place. Don’t act on your sad, lonely feelings by self-harm. You need to nurture and care for your lovely self as much as you can to help heal form the damage he inflicted. Please keep posting as much as you need.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you both for replying. I’m sorry to hear about your cousin LONC. It’s c**p that victims suffer that way.
Yes, sometimes I have to remind myself what things were like then to know we are better here. I think I would be dead if I stayed.
Thanks for the advise KIP
It’s really hard because he was also criminal and I think he made a deal with the police which is why they helped me move
.. Cos they knew he would be out. I can’t go into detail on here but I have complained but I get told that they can’t give me this information because it is sensitive etc… So I’m left feeling let down.

I feel like I have no identity anymore. I don’t know who I am. In the beginning I had some help with money but now I’m broke again and lost as a person. Sometimes it feels that it was easier to be hit than to be going to the food bank or worrying how to survive. I feel like I’m lstting my kids down
Yes KIP I think about moving again but I feel like I just a refugee. We cam here via two other places.i don’t know if I can do it again.. Especially this time with no help
Last time we just picked a ace off the map and they put us in a car…. No goodbyes nothing. There are people who will think we are dead. I cry when I think about that.
They promised us psychological help. We saw once now I just see crisis mental health team if things really bad.i used to have nightmares that he was dead in My wardrobe and I would open the door and he would come back to life. Don’t know what to do.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh dear ShineBright2…its so lovely to hearveom you. We are also refugees, dont know anyone moved far from home.

No, its not fair and its a completely wrong system that allows an abuser to go on with a lifewhilst his wife and children hide in fear.

The system fails women and children over and over. The best that can happen at the moment is to be far enough away to be safe (and this is very different from the daily hell you all lived until recently).

However, a woman and family abandoned miles away from anyone and isolated suffering the effects of abuse is no life.

It is so wrong, you will get no disagreement from me about that. Its no life, especially as abuse leaves one so alone and vulnerable.

You have us all here that you can always vent to and make contact with, we are all here for you.

Do keep posting; it is so lovely to hear from you that you are safe at last, you and your lovely babies.

Have you managed to get a good gp? It can make a huge difference. How about a local freedom programe? Or womens groups run by local WA?

Can you involve the children in activities tht bring social opportunities to you all?

I think we are expected to be ‘grateful’ for just existing. Those who help that to happen are desperately needed, but it is an emergency service.

Take good care an do keep posting

Warmest wishes
TS

[Lisa]

Hi Shinebright2

Thank you for posting, and getting back in touch. It looks like you’ve had really supportive replies.

I just wanted to say that you have done really well, I am so sorry to hear how you have been treated unfairly, you have done everything right and been a good mum to your children.

If you haven’t already, and as Twisted Sister has already mentioned, it may be an idea to get in touch with your local domestic violence service in the area to start with, to get some support. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ I’m not sure if you think it may be worth trying to see if they can liaise with the police for you as well. You have so many reasons to carry on, please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Kind regards

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Shinebright2

Thinking of you and really hoping today might have been a bit of a better day for you.

Warmest wishes

TS

[shine bright 2]

I had enough. People say reach out.. But I have no one to reach out to.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh Shinebright2
Can you tell us more here? Offloading here might help?

Have you tried calling Samaritans? Some women on there really do get it and offer such wonderful support and really care. Not all, but you dont have to stay on the line to anyone who isnt feeling supportive you.

They can also offer a calling service to keep in touch with you.

Victim support are there to support you, and can liaise with police for information?

I am very surprised that the police can proect him his way and meanwhile he is free to access more women to abuse.

We’re all here for you Shinebright2.

In my situation, the more alone i am the better. I want to be a complete hermit for the rest of my life, and its actually quite hard to stay out of peoples way.

How is school working out for your children? Are there social activities attached to the school? For the children and/or parents?

How are your children getting on generally?

Have you got a good gp there locally who can support you and make referrals for you to more specialist support?

Are there WA services locally or other DA charities?

Do keep posting and asking for what you need, which can be so hard after years of being shut down.

Warmest wishes

TS

[shine bright 2]

I want my mum back. My umi. I at least want to visit her Grave without being afraid it will lead him to us. Sometimes I want to be with her.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh bless you love.

Are you able to visit and alert the police that you know will be going there?

Is it a distance you can manage?

Warmest wishes

TS

[shine bright 2]

They told me it’s not safe. They can’t protect me if I do. I have to stay away from “target” areas. So why not just give up.

[Twisted Sister]

Im with you on this,it is totally unacceptable that he is free whilst your life has been so restricted.

The police and MP would be next steps i would imagine.

Also, look into those supports for yourself to help you push through this.

Sadly as wrong as it is, its common, an itslong overdue that men got their due, and lives destroyed as consequence for the way they carry on, threatening women and children.

Hows are your children doing?

Warmest wishes
TS

[KIP.]

I wonder if you can email/write the friends you left behind via the police. At least it would give you some closure and to know they’re not worrying about you. Break down the issues into bite sized amounts. How do you eat an elephant? One teaspoon at a time. Is he paying child maintenance? Is he working? Is there any way you can get financial support from him? Legal aid? I know you might not want to go down that route but if there’s a chance you can stay safe and get him to meet his financial obligations to you and his children? Just a thought. I know taking back some control really helped me in the recovery process. Are you doing anything nice for you? Writing down three positives every day? Getting a nice new bubble bath. A favourite chocolate bar. Your favourite movie. It will take a long time to deal with what’s happened but you will get there. I don’t see why you can’t visit your mums grave with the help of the police. They owe you that at least x

[SunshineRainflower]

Third time lucky if this works – I wrote a big reply but I think it logged me out before posting or something. I’m so sorry you’re feeling low. I remember your story and I think you are incredibly strong. You went through hell on earth and survived. Please keep going and don’t give up on yourself, you deserve to be here and you future can and will be better than your past. I agree it’s totally unfair that our lives are limited and should be the other way round. I have hope that in the future it will be since charities are working on getting the laws changed to protect and support survivors and reduce the rights of abusers which is how it should be.

Some ideas I have, discard anything that doesn’t appeal but could you try:

1. Volunteering? I think you’d be great volunteering with survivors of domestic abuse. But there’s other places too like animal shelters, environment and nature charities, places for the elderly etc etc that always need kind people. I have found volunteering has got me through some really dark times and made me realise I have a lot to offer. It also helps you connect with the local community, make friends, be less isolated and build up your CV.
2. Are there any other jobs that interest you you could apply for?
3. What about a college course? I have done some really good courses over the years and again they have given me new hope, met new people etc and many can lead to new job opportunities.
4. Do you do any sports or dancing or fun fitness activities like this? I tried a new sport last week and it was so fun. I felt so much better after and had forgotten how much I enjoy certain sports. It was sociable too and I felt part of something.

Well post this now before it logs me out again. Keep going and keep sharing, you’re on the right path.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you for the great advise I just don’t feel very good.
I have a job here and we all made friends… But not the same as people you knew all your life. Not at all.
The police can take me to grave, but it will take time they will me…bjt then I have to bring the kids or they would get one of them to look after them
I can’t have any contact with any friends of family if I want to keep their protection.. I. Not even sure if I do.
The thing is I think they are above the law. They just picked us up and brought us here. It took months to get all new documents…so isolating. I think there will be people reading this who envy my position… No going to a refuge everything sorted for me till I got a job… But what I think is
… What the hell are they scared of to do all this. I have nothing.. Noone… Why were they so sure that I couldn’t be protected where I was. Now I have just disappeared. Sometimes I cry for my daughters old names…the names I chose. I like new names but it’s like we have no history.
I want to know why the minister for justice signed to release him. I am afraid. May Allah forgive me I don’t feel like I have the courage to keep going.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Shinebright2

There must surely be a way of finding out whats happened to mean your outcome ended this way?

It’s horrible, no, not enviable. Truly hard, to leave your whole life behind.

He should be behind bars without a doubt…i wnt bring up the incidents again,but there cant be mre compelling evidence to put someone away for along time. At the end he was very deranged.

If he presents a danger it will not only be to you but to other women also, and should not be walking free.

Have you tried calling rights of women to find your legal position and what further opionsyou have?

Call women’s aid?

Thinking of you.

Warmest wishes

TS

[SunshineRainflower]

Please ring the Samaritans if you feel you can’t go on. I’ve had to ring them a lot lately as like you I often feel hopeless about my future. It sounds strange but playing that sport gave me a break from feeling suicidal and gave me a feeling of hope. I still don’t fully understand it but I think it was because people looked me in the eye and I felt respected and part of something. I left feeling almost euphoric.

But I have to keep monitoring my mood as I can get super low. When I’m struggling to lift my mood I usually go for a walk in nature or ring Samaritans or do a big stretch out or bake. Do you thinks like this you enjoy?

Keep posting, we all support you.

[Lisa]

Hi ShineBright2

I can hear how much you are struggling and that you are feeling like you cant go on. Please contact your mental health crisis team for support and the Samaritans. Your local domestic abuse service may be able to also offer some emotional support.

We all understand what you have been through and how much he has taken from you. But you are here, you survived and you are a great mother to your children who need you.

Take it one day at a time and know that we are here for you.

Keep posting here for support

Lisa

[shine bright 2]

Thank you so much.
Lisa, I have thought about contacting crisis mental health team but I do see what it will change and before they wanted to section me. I don’t want the kids to through that.

I’m tired working two jobs.. Y old job was specialized and couldn’t get that job here. I just feel like we are objects. They needed to keep the objects safe. Job done.its Eid and we are alone. Not really celebrating
Never thought about sport sunshine. Ex wouldnt really let me… Not at gym because it’s mixed. I have no idea what sport I would do. I like the idea of running. Just running and running. There lots of green here but I’m a bit scared of countryside!
Twisted sister.. You are Karma in my mind… Because it suits u.. Makes me think of peace. I thought maybe rights of women but wasn’t sure if it’s something they would do. The officer in charge said he thought he was a danger to women… But he was released as no longer danger to public. It makes me scared.
I miss having people to talk with so much. We have made friends but I guess it takes time to have proper friendships, and we cant say much about our lives. The kids are good and I can see they are better away from him.. They are confident and not nervous… But I feel like a failure because I’m finding it hard. It’s so different here to where we are from.
I don’t know if I’m mad but I think it’s like too much protection, too big… Surely things weren’t that bad, surely he wasn’t really going to kill us… That can’t be right can it? I used to think the kids would keep me going but I don’t know that I am even good for them

[Twisted Sister]

I was wondering today about how you were doing, and wondering about whether the freedom of information act could be any use, as he really was going to kill you.

There is something about the altered perspective one gets on the inside, that means although living in survival its not possible to believe that at any minute you could be murdered. We alays believe gat wouldn’t be possible until it very nearly happens, or the fear suddenly overwhelms.

So it feels unreal,but then so does ptsd.

Keep going love

You fought hard to get here

Warmest wishes

TS

[SunshineRainflower]

Hey Shine bright, I think you can’t yet see yourself clearly but I see an incredibly brave strong woman. You’ve been through hell on earth but are still here fighting, working two jobs and supporting your children. It’s no wonder youre feeling low after all you’ve had to survive.
I definitely think some support would help you like a counsellor because to not be able to get out your feelings and talk to friends is so tough.
Do look into sport and fitness especially since your abuser banned you from doing it. It helps a lot with depression and anxiety and some sport is so fun and social. A walking group can be good to get out in the countryside and there are running groups too. There are some women only fitness options too like swimming and netball etc just have a look and see what you have nearby.
I hope you’re feeling a bit better today, keep posting.

[shine bright 2]

I need the crisis mental health team but too scared because they were gonna a section me before.
The organization I need to deal with are exempt from freedom of information act… Really.
Tired. I want to be near someone who cares for me.

[shine bright 2]

Maybe it’s better to take my chances and go home.

[Lisa]

Hi Shinebright2,

I can hear you are scared to contact the crisis mental health team. Is there anyone else you can contact for support? I can understand how exhausting all of this must be for you.

It is hard building up a support network again but you will do it. You and your children deserve that time and people that care for you.

We are always here for you on the forum.

Keep posting

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Shine bright 2

Its a shame that you can no longer access your mssages of terror and horror at the thought he would ‘get you’. What he would do to you and ue fear that your babies would see and be so harmed by.

Can you say what organisation is immune from foi?

Obviously im not asking you to share something hat would indentify you. So,only if it doesn’t put you at any risk.

Take all the comfort you can from your children and do activities that keep you all close.

Do speak to all you can to establish a support system and a network of professionals and friends tha becme meaningful to you an help you enjoy life.

Sending you big hugs.
Warmest wishes

TS

[lover of no contact]

Hi shinebright,

I want to say I agree with other ladies that you are an amazing mum. You have been through hell and back and survived and you’re suffering from exhaustion from the overwork. Your children are so lucky to have you and they need you. Its normal to feel as you do..so many losses…maybe you could grieve them over the coming months by posting on here. It helps you and it helps us. Its normal you feel as you do as your abuser has literally got away with it but that’s the norm for abusers. Mine has got away with it, living the life, others taking the consequences for his wrong actions and others letting him off the hook for his bad behaviour. I can’t let it eat me up. I’m leaving the justice to God. I’m letting go of how he lives his life and trying to focus on mine which is tough in so many ways due to him, but from this Forum I’m gaining a lot of support. I find keeping close to this Forum sometimes just reading one or two posts on a busy day is the key to forging ahead to a better future.

Its normal to miss your mum but you don’t need to go to her grave. Your mum is with you everyday, supporting and guiding and loving you. She’s your own guardian angel.

Shinebright, your abuser was so dangerous. I remember your posts. The incidents with the knife. I really, really feared for your life. It was a complete miracle imo that you survive him and got away. I’m wondering can you access your old posts on here to see the danger you were in. I would not like it to trigger you. But I so feared for your life or him causing you a serious disability . There are ladies who have posted on him blind due to their abuser. Being near our abusers is not to be taken lightly. He has shown you what he is capable of. Believe him. And now that he got the minister of Justice to let him out he may think he’s invincible in his warped mind. No wonder they (abusers) think they are above the law and all authority that’s because the law and authorities can be manipulated by abuser’s and their supporters.

Please keep posting. You have done and are doing amazing despite such huge challenges. You are a fantastic role model for your children and other ladies on here. Its wonderful to hear your children are growing in confidence daily. That’s all down to you.

[Benson]

Hi Shinebright
I hardly ever offer advice, as don’t feel in the best place to do so, but needed to write a reply to you as I am in a very similar situation. First of all, I want to say you are doing an amazing job, you and your children are safe – you did it! I too had to change names, move miles away, leave a brilliant job and friends- I just disappeared overnight without a trace. I hate that I had to leave family and friends, my support network and everything I knew, but if I hadn’t I would have been killed. He was found guilty but I couldn’t stay where I was as it was not safe. I struggle on a daily basis, lonely with no support- I am angry at the police for insisting I am a witness in court, then giving me little protection, so my only option was too move – I feel like I was a number to them. I am angry that he is able to continue his life, be surrounded by his friends and family, when I have nothing. But I am grateful I have my young child and we are safe and we can begin to make happy memories. I too have my ups and very downs, it was only recently I took myself to a bridge, wanting to be free from everything , but I couldn’t do it, I have a child who deserves to have a mummy- the only family they have. I find reading this forum helpful, also looking through the photographs of the happy times we have had since moving and cuddling my young child. It is hard, but I keep telling myself it will be worth it.
Please keep posting on here and remember we are all here for you.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you.
TS….not sure I can access old measages. I think it’s kind of like child birth. You remember but your brain numbs it a little bit so you can survive. I can look at scars and think he did that, but I can no longer really remember the pain. I feel a bit better atm and I’ve been told by GP that I can get steroid injections that will make scars less bumpy and red. I cried when she said. They’re another reason I don’t so somethings. I love swimming. I swim in shorts at ladies swimming but I’m still scared people will see. If they can be a bit better that will help.
It’s Weir co sometimes I actually feel the pain of those injuries…sometimes the skin feels tight and it reminds me..i can’t describe how much it hurt….and actually I did think I was gonna die. Actually I think it is good TS that u have reminded and you to LONC. Even typing this kind of makes me see what other people see. You know like if I sat here any typed all the things again I would suddenly go oh my gods it was bad.
Oh God Benson…..I have also been there standing there on the edge thinking I could find peace. I my belief suicide is a sin, but sometimes I wanna sleep… But I have my kids. I am grateful but at the same time I do feel like collateral damage I think that’s the phrase. Like they let him out cos he has connections and information they wanted about othe stuff.
I going to try and so some new things like a sport. Thinking j might take up things that he would have disapproved of..haha. I like the idea of doing martial arts and also maybe study something.He always told me my English is c**p. I dont think it is since I was young when I learned English and came here with my family. If I study maybe I can prove something to myself.
I had a clinical psychologist but she is retiring. She is the only person who I felt ok telling everything to and so I’m sad because I feel like it will be hard to get used to someone else.. that’s why I’m coming here more atm, things have been so dark and lonely and now I might have to move again to get a better job. This forum has been a thing thats there all the time for me and there always people who make me feel ok about myself like I am not a hideous scarred monitor that can’t keep a husband of support her kids

[Author]

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