17th January 2016 at 7:30 pm #7895
It’s really hard for me to see Mum and Dad, think I’ve said before. I realised after reading Lundy book that not only was my ex an abuser but also my Dad. I spoke about it in counselling and it really helped. I hasn’t changed now they in their old age. It’s hard because Mum is frail and he’s a bully, even though it’s very covert. When I saw them at Christmas it was upsetting as Mum was noticeably very tired and aging. For the last few years I’ve found it difficult to see them but I’ve tried to go regularly beating in mind it’s always s whole day because of the distance, I can’t just pop in. Today I any with my daughter and Mum seemed better than at Christmas, she has been taking some medication for pain and stemmed more with it and positive. And I decided before I went I would only stay a couple of hours cos of the weather and that I wanted to just see my mum. So that’s what we did and I just focussed on enjoying seeing Mum. I always need to just see her on her own without him for at least a little while, which I did and I gave her a little hug, which I never normally do and I feel not half so bad as I usually after I’ve seen them. She always manages to give me a bit of money, which I appreciate and I try not feel bad about it. One of the things I wish these days is that o could have seen the importance of hanging on to/earning some money without feeling that that was somehow a bad thing. That definitely congress from my childhood.
I’ve probably put this in the wrong section. It must sound confusing. I wanted to write it somewhere though, as it’s something I usually have to metro completely to myself.
It’s also hard not to say anything to my Daughter, but I don’t. I don’t say anything bad about him, but we talked about sexism today and I was able to say quite matter of faculty that I was brought up in a family where women weren’t valued and it took me a long time to realise it and its hard to go against the east your brought up but I feel I’ve done it. It was in the context of the conversation we were having and I’m not sure what she understood of that, but she is very bright, I think. Iin trying to tell her that her Granddad I’d not all he seems, but without getting into it to much.
Sorry if this sounds disjointed or confused. It’s just can sometimes make me feel terrible when I’ve seen them, but actually I feel I’ve managed it well today. So this is definitely in the wrong topic. Oh well.
17th January 2016 at 7:33 pm #7896
Too many typing errors to correct, typing quickly, but I hope someone gets the gist.
17th January 2016 at 8:51 pm #7902Confused123Participant
It’s good to let it out , sometimes just having some one to listen . I find now we r out of abusive relationship we can spot it more easily .i too wish I had saved money and held onto some. I look at it as an experience and hope I can learn from it and try to save now
17th January 2016 at 9:36 pm #7907
Thanks confused 123. Yes, I’m taking steps to save money where I can and I’ve managed to a couple of times. Think that’s why I wish I’d done it before, nowI know I can actually do it. As you say, I’m learning. And I suppose even though recognising abuse because you’ve experienced is not something I’d wish on anyone, I can recognise it. And though I can’t do much for Mum Im going to see her or phone her as much as is OK so she knows I love her. I know if I do it too much it makes things worse between them. Thanks again
17th January 2016 at 10:41 pm #7915
Hi Eve – I know just what you mean – your parents are just like my exes parents – my ex, his father and his father before him were/are controlling abusive husbands.
I never met my exes paternal grandparents, but I have heard so much about him, and how he treated his wife.
I know from being his daughter-in-law for xx years how nasty and controlling a little man my father-in-law is.
He is one of those people who is ALWAYS right, and he knows it all ( well he thinks he does, he is very Dyslexic, and a bit of a chip on hid shoulder) failed miserably at school, picked on and made fun of at school, but they met and married very young and he got away from his abusive father, and then very soon realised, there were people HE COULD control (his wife and children!!)
Fast forward 20 odd years, and the story repeats itself all over again with the next generation – my husband……
I know my ex father-in-law is racist, sexist and a very controlling, domineering man, but in the days when they married you just put up with it, and unfortunately she did, poor woman – and shes still there yet 50+ years down the line…..she did not have the courage to leave – and it took me many years to do it – but I DID do it eventually……
She is not in good health now, and she has no life with that man, and is so miserable, I have been told he did hit her in the past, (when my ex and his bros and sis were little) and he publicly picks on and humiliates her, even stil. I’m also sure he will have sexually abused her over the years – but she is of the generation who would NEVER discuss that kind of thing.
My ex and his brother and sis have seen this for years – but were too affraid of their father to stand up against their father, and defend their mother – but now it had got to the stage FINALLY when they DO stand up to him, and will defend her.
It has got to the stage where my exes sister won’t speak to her father anymore, and does not want to see him, she wants to see her mother, and spend time with her, but she doesn’t want to go and see her father anymore, and in fact does not want her father in her house, or in her life.
Does this sound like your situation Eve?
Now bearing in mind all I’ve just told you – (removed by moderator) I finally plucked up the courage to tell my ex sis-in-law what my married life had been like – it took me A LOT of courage to do that as I had never before actually SPOKEN those words to ANYONE – well she refused to believe me and defended her brother – that was the last time we spoke and I have given up with his family now.
For a while it hurt me that after the 20 odd yesrs I was part of their family and now they want nothing to do with me, but now I have accepted that.
It did hurt that she KNEW how her father treats her mother, and yet found it impossible to believe her brother did that same to me…..she MUST KNOW deep down that I WAS telling yhe truth……
17th January 2016 at 11:42 pm #7927
Hi Mixed up Mum,
Yes it does sound quite like my parents. My Dad however did will at school and had a reasonable job, but obviously deep down is insecure as he also has to be right and behind closed doors is domineering. Mum is also intelligent and that’s why home seemed so volatile to me growing up, because she stood up to him and his opinionated ways a lot, not knowing she could never win. Now she just says of him, he can’t help it. Making excuses. Because guess what, his father was a bully, and his sons, including my Dad, were afraid of him. So my Mum blamed her father in law for my Dad’s behaviour. I think she’s had to do that to survive. And as you say, in those days you put up with it. She probably felt like she had little choice. And he went out to work, wasn’t violent, didn’t go out drinking, helped with my handicapped sister, all plus points in her mind. So to the outside world and relatives her comes across as a good guy. The abuse is hidden. Like your ex sister in law, if I could only see my Mum, I would. I was close only to her growing up. She kept physically apart from him as much as possible from what I remember. But she wants this illusion of them as a normal couple and so I deal with that as best I can. But I’ll always love only her. Lots of times over the years I’ve wanted her to come to stay on her own, to help with the kids which she loved, but it never worked out. She couldn’t out wouldn’t leave him.Sorry if I’m rambling, this is a difficult thing.
It is shocking and hurtfulthat your ex sis in law can’t see her brothers abusive behaviour. Sometimes people are just too close to it, or maybe it’s too painful. She must know it’s true. You know it is. I don’t think my ex mother in law will ever really see that her son had abused me. As you day, we just have to accept some things. I keep away from her because she would tell me about him and vice versa and I don’t want any of that
I’ve found it much easier to say, to certain people anyway, a very few friends, that my ex husband was abusive, than to day that my Dad was/is. In some kind of upside down way, I think I’m protecting my mum.
Abuse is just such a far reaching, terrible thing. We are helping to break that cycle by freeing ourselves, mixed up mum and showing our daughters we don’t have to put up with it.
Lots of love to you, hope your getting some sleep now
22nd January 2016 at 6:21 pm #8155
Hi Eve – thanks for your kind words in your most recent post.
You mentioned your mum – and I looked back an re-read what you had said in this post.
It is worrying how many times father’s ‘pass it on’ to sons – its not ALWAYS the case, but on many occasions, the son has often experienced or witnessed abuse from the father (eg your father and his father, my ex, his father, and his father before him.
I wonder why having seen or experienced abuse these men then go on to do the same to their wives and children OR then in other cases what is it that BREAKS the cycle???
Or indeed why some men in the family go on to be abusers – while others don’t.
In my ex fa-in-laws family there were 5 sons – and I don’t think they ALL went on to be controlling abusive husbands – so what makes some more abusive than others….this has got me thinking……
BUT then again as we’ve said before who knows what goes on behind closed doors…..
In my exes family there were X brothers – I would say one brother was quite controlling, but his marriage seems to last ( I think he just had a good loyal wife would loved him and put up with him) another brother his marriage broke up – because he had a more dominant wife who stood up to him ( but then I’d say he was the least dominant of the boys)
My ex became the worst of them I’d say being controlling AND sexually abusive – but again who knows what REALLY went on with the others……
Do these mean ‘learn’ from what they have seen and experienced and then go on to copy it in their own lives??
My exes family all had/have learning difficulties and so often felt insignificant – and then as they grew up learned that there were people they could control -ie their wives and children.
But as you said that was not the case with your dad – he was educated – but then there is no ‘standard’ abuser they can be any age, any class, any colour, any religion……
And as you say they seem to the outside world as normal, hard working, caring Dads and husbands – many a time I would think the rest of their family don’t actually have a clue what they are REALLY like and are capable of.
Do you think your dads/mums siblings know what they are really like????
I know my ex mo-in-law is at the age now where she would never leave him……I expect you m mam would be the same???
18th January 2016 at 6:17 am #7929
Hi just seen this now – feel for you so much – my ex mo-in-law did never, and has never spoken up for herself and stood up to him – she just took it and accepted it like so many other women of that age did – and do still……
Yes this is what is so scary – my ex – his father – and his father before him were all like this – abusive controlling men – and I hope I can do something STOP this carrying on to my son – don’t ever want his wife/partner to put up with what I did.
This is it as you say – he went out to work to provided for his family – and to all around he seemed like a good husband and father – but this was not that case – and my ex hid it well from the outside world – and so did his father too – its only the wife/mother and the children who TRUELY know what its REALLY like to live with these men……
I know my ex sis-in-law has SAID that her father is no longer welcome in their house, and she would be delighted to have her mum stay but not her dad – she can no longer stand watching how her father treats her mother – he belittles her and makes fun of her in public – but I do wonder if she would REALLY ever keep her dad from the house…. time will tell – its really only in the last year that the ‘children’ have spoken out and decided to protect their mother and defend her – when their father make a fool of her in public, and as you say – I don’t know if their mother would have the courage to visit on her own – as they live 100s of miles apart – it cant be a day trip – it has to be for a few days at least if they are flying there to see them.
I think DEEP DOWN my ex sis-in-law DOES know what I told her about her brother IS true – she knows he did what I said – why after 20+ years would I lie to her – but she loves her brother and doesn’t want to think he did such a thing – but she knows what her own father was/is like and her grandfather before that – so she WILL have a fair idea – that these men learn by how they live – this is what they saw growing up – this is how their father treated them (and their wives) – and so it goes on and on – she knows I did not lie to her – but she is burying he head in the sand – refusing to accept I DID tell her the truth…….
I hope and pray that my daughter will NEVER let any man treat her the way I was treated – and I hope too that my son will never treat any woman the way I was treated – that’s what we wish for out children – that it will stop here and now – and not go on to another generation
Goodnight Eve – sorry to say I have been up all night again and not slept any and its now 6-15 and my kinds will be up in an hours time…..oh dear what a mess Im in …….
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