Been unhappy for years, have I been emotionally abused?

[Benzenering]

I have been married over 10 years and in the last year or so things have just spiralled. I’m so unsure if I have been abused and controlled, especially since I have read some really awful cases on this forum.
It started out with him not trusting me, I had to come off social media because i was friends with other males.
Then he didn’t really like me going out without him.
He was grumpy and hard to live with a lot of the time. Then recently his ” anxiety disorder” which had never been identified before had gone off the scale.
I (detail removed by Moderator) one night and didn’t get back when he expected me to. He had a meltdown and i spent the night having to calm.him down.
He would leave the house late at night when i couldn’t go anywhere cos the kids were in bed.he would then text me threatening suicide until I’d basically beg him to come home and be worried sick.
He didn’t like one of my friends who had recently split from.her husband and one night left the house telling me, “(detail removed by Moderator)”. So i gave in.
There are so many times i have not accepted invites to nights out etc because I knew he’d have a face on about it. I stopped even asking him if he was ok with me going places as I couldn’t stand the moodiness and guilt tripping that would follow.
Now i have got a tiny bit of strength and said i wanted a trial separation. He is being on his best behaviour trying to do everything for me and the kids. He said he is getting help ( which is true he is taking antidepressants and having some counselling) and he will never be like that again.
He hated it when i took the location tracker thing off my (detail removed by Moderator) and he couldn’t see where i was.
He would also turn up at places i think to keep tabs on me.
Is it abuse? I sometimes feel like a fraud as he isn’t always horrible.he can be very loving and caring. He blames his mental health but now says he can see things clearly.
But did he know what he was doing all along? He reckons he didn’t.
He has also been referred for an autism diagnosis but that could be years on the waiting list. It’s like another thing he can use to excuse his behaviour.
I’m so torn and confused. He hasn’t given me any separation time apart fro. Staying somewhere else for (detail removed by Moderator) nights.

[WildAngels]

Hi
Im sorry you are going through this
Simply YES, this IS abuse
Actual real-life abuse

I myself have wanted things to get better

They get worse
It just gets worse

Please make your decisions with that knowledge

Extend your trial separation

It will be MUCH harder to leave again, if you go back now

[Apricot]

Hi Benzenering,

I am quite new here too and have only recently left an abusive situation. I’m learning that questioning yourself and struggling to identify abuse is very common and part of the abuse itself. I think that’s why this section is called “is it abuse?” That is how most women feel when they get here. And I think it takes time, support and understanding to accept the answer.

From what you have described, I completely agree with what WildAngels said – it is absolutely abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse, with a lot of very controlling behaviour. You will see the book “Why Does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft recommended here quite a lot – and I can’t recommend it highly enough. I’m reading it for the second time now. It helped me to start to make sense of things and to see that the abusive behaviour is a choice on his part.

While it’s good that he is seeking support – I think if he really had committed to change, then he would respect your wishes for a separation. Also, lots of people have anxiety disorders and do not abuse their partners. Abuse is a choice. I’m still early in my journey to accepting these things and I accept it is hard and will take time.

You’ve taken some huge steps and that can’t have been easy. You’ve identified the abuse and you’ve spoken out. You’ve sought out support here and you’ve articulated your need for a separation.

Keep going, keep posting. You know deep in your heart that it isn’t right and that you deserve better. You can do this xx

[tiredofitall]

This sounds a lot like my life. I’ve had 20 plus years of a marriage where I’ve had to keep going because all of his behaviour is caused by someone else, usually me. It’s taken me a long time to see the emotional manipulation for what it is.
I spent a long time thinking, if he had a different job he’d be happier, his parents treated him poorly, he has low self esteem, is he autistic. I kept hoping that something would happen that would make him realise how lucky he was to have someone like me who took all of his moods because i wanted to support and help him.
What I have finally realised is that he might have all the troubles I thought he did but it doesn’t give him the right to treat me the way he did. It’s not the way people who love you should behave.
I’m in the middle of a divorce and house sale and we are still living together while it’s going through. It’s been very hard but I am eyes wide open now to all the manipulation and I can see very clearly that he needs me more than I need him. That’s what this is all about for him. I’ve done everything and he’s sat there and criticised me every step of the way but now I am the one taking control and he hates that. He hates the thought that I might actually be happier than him. He’s a victim in his whole life because he won’t take any responsibility for his actions.
He doesn’t think his behaviour is abuse but this forum has opened my eyes.
I don’t think it matters if he knew what he was doing. I’m nit sure my husband had a conscious plan to do what he did but he dud choose to treat me in the way that he did and I know that I deserve better.
Now he talks about couples counselling and that I’m not giving him or us a chance but frankly I do nor trust him anymore. He is excellent at saying the right things to people and I know he’d do that in counselling but I don’t believe he would be able to maintain it. He’ll say he’s sorry but he isn’t really. You have to trust yourself and your instincts.

[Hereforhelp]

Hey Benzenering

Yes, yes and yes… your husband is a classic abuser… the tactics he is using are typical of an abusive partner.

Him not trusting you and you feeling that you had to come off Social Media… start of control… you not allowed friends, especially male friends, all part of his control. Isolating you until you no longer ask to go out anywhere. It keeps our world smaller, we lose confidence, self esteem and make ourselves smaller until we lose who we are.

Him taking antidepressants is his decision to help himself, good! I hope they work. As for abusing you, he will not stop, they do know exactly what they are doing. There isn’t some hidden mental health condition which explains away their abusive treatment, that’s on him and is separate to the abuse. Same as Autism, I am autistic, autism doesn’t make people abusive, manipulate or nasty. A lot of women on this forum are on antidepressants due to PTSD, depression doesn’t make us abusive or want to control/abuse people. Yes my ASD traits means my brain is rigid, that I find it hard to read people’s reactions and i miss social cues.. nothing abusive though.

Now you want to separate and have voiced this he is being ‘nice’ … it will not last, write down in a journal as you will start to see the cycle. He is trying to stop you from separating from him, in a normal healthy relationship ypu would discuss moving forward and he would give you that space for separation.

It took me 3 attempts to leave (20+ yr marriage), he had a traumatic upbringing and would use this to ‘win’. When I asked to separate he accused me of tricking him and that he had nothing and I had everything (f**k knows what everything was as he took everything), he claimed to be suicidal (2nd time I rang the police and asked then to do a welfare check on my husband, he suddenly wasn’t suicidal anymore 🤔).

Trust your gut, keep taking baby steps. Keep a journal, read up on abuse (Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is a good book to start with).

Keep posting ❤️

[Footballfan1]

We try to come up with reasons for their abusive nature.
It’s their medical condition, addiction, troubled upbringing but ultimately they abuse because they choose to.
My ex sounds like your husband.
We were together for more than (detail removed by moderator)
I recently reached my limit and it led to him not being allowed near the family home.
It’s given me the time to understand my feelings and what he put me though for years.
He blamed his behaviour on anxiety after we had split.
He takes medication now.
He is no better towards me and doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong apart from have a drug addiction.
He doesn’t think any of the abuse happened and is going round telling everyone that we split because I’m an alcoholic and had multiple affairs. Neither of these are true.
Your husband is acting nice now, to trap you again.
He won’t change. This is a game to him.
Stay strong, do lots of research on abusive partners before deciding anything.
I have started reading a book that other posters recommended, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.
It’s been really useful and helping me understand the behaviour.

[Benzenering]

Thank you for all your responses. They are really helpful. I am still finding it so tough to say to myself it’s been abuse and it’s been for years.
He has given me some time and stayed out.
His ex wife offered him to stay in her spare room. He turned her down first but told me about it anyway. I said it was fine. So he took her up on the offer.
I wonder if he is trying to make me jealous and try and control him but I will not.
I feel quite strong but he keeps sending me messages saying please can he come home he misses his family.
This really tugs on my heart strings.

[Apricot]

Benzenering you have been so strong. I think still having feelings for them and feeling guilty is one of the hardest things. It has been for me anyway. I cut contact after I left and there are bail conditions in place that he must not contact me. That didn’t stop him though. He made sure I knew how sad, suicidal and desperate he was. Not just by contacting me directly but through other people who don’t know what’s been going on – telling me how sad he is and how worried they are. Including a mutual friend’s child, which hit me especially hard. He’s been reported a missing person over and over. I can’t cope with that cycle of drama any more. In a way you do get addicted to it – the ups and downs. But I want off that ride now. I want some peace.

The only way I could cope with it was to cut contact. It has given me some space to think and feel more clearly. It is still early days – but I have fought to reclaim some peace for myself. You deserve that too. Take back some space and peace for yourself – set that boundary. You are entitled to it. More than that – you need it. You are not responsible for him – he is a grown man. You need to put yourself first right now. Give yourself that space, without him trying to manipulate or control you. Do it for you.

And I would definitely be questioning his choice to stay with his ex wife and whether that is an attempt at manipulating or controling you. Was there really nowhere else for him to go? And if not – why not? I’m not suggesting that where he goes is in anyway your problem. It is not. But why is his first choice for support his ex wife?

Keep going – you are on the right path and you are doing amazing.

[Benzenering]

Thanks Apricot.for your encouraging words. Sounds like you have taken strong steps to get away from an abusive partner. I think all the guilt tripping is incredibly cruel and telling you he is suicidal etc is a way to try and get you to change your mind.
I’m not sure whether my husband would turn nasty if I told him it was over? There have been times before he’s got quite angry and I’ve been a bit scared. He’s never laid a finger on me but it’s the moody, angriness that has really made me shudder.
I think it’s hard because i keep saying to myself, “he isn’t that bad”. He never calls me names or swears at me or puts me down like some of the stories I have read. That’s why i still can’t come to terms with being abused if that is indeed what has happened.
I think my feelings have changed over years, but there is still that nice side to him. He can be great with the kids and me, but when he’s not I guess I haven’t liked him very much ☹

[Apricot]

Hi Benzenering,

Yes, it is cruel. They are trying to manipulate our kindness and compassion – turning those gentle traits into a weapon. I think for me that is the worst part.

I didn’t feel that my situation was “bad enough” to be considered abuse. Even though my caseworker, my counsellor, the police, my solicitor, friends and family all tell me that it emphatically IS abuse, I still find myself doubting it sometimes. I have been minimising and excusing his behaviour for a long time and I’ve been in denial about it all. It’s hard to stop – and if I hadn’t broken contact I would never have gained this perspective.

Since I left, my partner has made numerous suicide threats. He has been reported a missing person over and over. People who are serious about killing themselves do not advertise it to everyone. They don’t use it as a weapon to control others. That absolutely is abuse.

You have described so much control in your relationship. There are different forms of abuse and coercive control is a form of abuse and a criminal offence. Abuse doesn’t have to involve threats, violence or even insults. You have been made to end friendships. You have had to stop going out. You have been monitored. And when you have tried to resist this control – you have met with threats of suicide or other emotional “melt downs” which must be exhausting and distressing.

I wonder if it will ever be enough? Will your world keep shrinking? Will you have to cut out more friends and limit your activities even more? That is no way to live and you deserve so much better xx

[Author]

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