Been up all night…..

[mixed-up mum]

This is my worst night ever – never slept at all. It’s been getting worse and worse – staying up later and later – can’t switch off and relax. Feel tense, nervous and stressed – just want to speak to someone – just want a cuddle, to be held to feel safe, secure, loved……I’m making no sense here am I just babbling ,- want to rest but can’t, ofen up until gone 2am, but of late it has been 3,4,5 & now it’s gone 6.00.
I’m to tired by night can’t go on drop off in chair and 30 mins later and I’m up and awake – and that’s me up for the night then, can’t go on like this……

[Lisa]

Hi Mixed-up-mum,

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. It is so rubbish when you can’t get a good night sleep. Please make sure that you are looking after yourself, eating well, doing some exercise and establishing a nice bed time routine. It might be worth also speaking to your doctor about how you are feeling and please get plenty of support from your local Women’s Aid group.

You are doing so well. Please be kind to yourself. We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Lisa and thank you – I’m not in a good way at the moment, I’m not in a good way at the moment, just run down through lack of sleep. Just feeling miserable, weepy, struggling to keep going – getting by on bout 2hrs sleep a night (and the odd 40 winks of an evening) just feeling so tence, stressed and anxious all the time.

It’s not that I’m newly out of my marriage and that’s what’s wrong I should be over it all by now and coping OK. I’ve had a bit of stress this week with him, but that crisis is over now and its OK again.

I have just lost my dad, had the funeral 9 days ago, but we were estranged for many years, and not especially close. So I don’t think it’s that, but I’m just not able to sleep and I feel that is affecting my overall mood too.

I was so desperate in the night last night wanted to speak to someone, wanted help – but I could not find a number locally for mental health.

I don’t really want medication, but if I have to for a short while then I just have to and that’s that.

I have just tried for an appointment with my GP, the one that knows me best and the one that I feel I can talk to can’t take me until Wednesday, and that’s the day I have another funeral to go to, my great aunt passed away yesterday, and I was very fond of her.

So then the next available appointment with her is a week on Monday, and that’s a while to wait when I’m feeling this way……..

I have had no support from my local Women’s Aid for a year and a half, my support worker left and then somehow I ‘got left behind’ fell off of the radar so to speak – I did email asking for help about a year ago, but got no reply.

I was never offered any counselling, but to be honest I felt I didn’t need it and I was OK, but now I feel terrible, I’ve never not been able to sleep before.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Sorry to hear u feeling low and cant sleep, has something happened to trigger this off, go to gp and see if they can help, try have long warm soaks in bath, know that used to always help me, i even started reading just to put myself a sleep when i struggle, go for walks in eve or do exercise, it actually tires u out in a positive way

[mixed-up mum]

Thank you Confused123 – I don’t know what is the matter with me – as I said before I should be OK now and past the worst as I’m ,x years down the line.
Oh I just feel so much in need of a cuddle, some comfort, and some sleep and just not having to get up and see to the kids, see to the house, or work.

Now I have to go collect my daughter from college, and deliver sympathy cards, then home and make tea, and if I DO come home and sleep then I know I will be up all night again.
I can’t remember the last time I had a decent night’s sleep. Must be about a month ago, as I was up at nights writing Xmas cards and letters. Then we spent nights at my dads bedside in the hospital, so nighs with vey little sleep.

Can’t break that habit now and sleep again…..

Sorry got to go.

Thanks X

[Eve1]

Hi Mixed up Mum, I really feel for you. But you know what you would probably say to someone else in your situation, there’s no time limit on this recovery we’re going through. I’m more years out than you (won’t say how many for privacy), and I’m still beating myself up about not being financially stable. Can you bear to see a different GP to see someone sooner? Can’t remember if you’re taking anti-depressants or not, but one of the good things I found about them was that they helped me with sleep. And I had 6 weeks of NHS counselling free, 18 months after leaving ex, which was a good start. Can you investigate that wih GP?

A bereavement must be a difficult thing to go through, no matter what else is going on, so don’t be hard on yourself.If there’s one thing that makes sense to me it’s that there’s no ‘shoulds’ about when we’ll be ok. Hope you can start to get rested soon.

Lots of love
Eve
x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Eve – thanks for your reply – oh I honestly dont know what is causing this ….I think I’d just a really bad habit I’ve fallen in to – and now can’t break…..

I don’t see how it can be related to my recovery – as much as I’d like to pin it on that – I don’t see how it can be – unless someone out there knows about psychology????

When I’d had a good nights sleep last night (Friday night to me, as I’m been up all Saturday night!!!) I felt good today ( Saturday) more positive, more alert, happier…..
That’s how I want to feel everyday…..

When I stayed awake all day through the day, I felt really chuffed with mesel, I’d finally broken the cycle, and I could cope so much better with daily life, but now 40winks at 2.30am, and that’s me awake still now nearing 8am – ridiculous!!!!!

Back to square one again…..

I actually would feel a bit of a ‘faud’ going to my GP with this – when I do feel its ‘self-inflicted’ – but is this bad sleep pattern really a sign of depression????

I have to ‘get a grip’ of my life – I’m so tired most of the time that I achieve very little on a day I don’t have any work to do, although I do have plenty housework I could/should be doing!!!!

I don’t really go to Docs – always try to ‘fix’ things myself – so I have never told my GP about my marriage problems – have not been to see her since leaving my abuser – its my natural in built thing that makes me want to sort it on my own – but maybe there are things I can’t fix and need help with – its that thing bout ASKING for help – I’m not very good at that…..

Maybe it’s my dads illness, and then death, that has triggered this REALLY BAD sleeping pattern, I didn’t think my abuse was affecting me any longer and I didn’t think my dads death had affected me too much – but maybe – this is it coming out in my subconscious……..

Who knows I’m no expert – but maybe some of you will have more idea than I do…….

Thanks again Eve for taking the time to reply. x*x

[Confused123]

Hey Hun it doesn’t matter how long u been out , recovery is long process , I said the same earlier thus year to women’s aid on phone , I’ve been out a year should be over this now . It takes ages to recover , don’t be hard on yourself , our brain and body need more time to recover then we realize , keep asking for help , u like me have made so much progress, sometimes we can’t see it as well as others , continue to stay strong , if u need to cry , cry it out , I still get days where I cry even if it’s for 1 min or few min I just let my body release the tears as we have spent so long trying not to cry . There’s nothing wrong with I. U r just recovering from trauma u experienced, could u call Samaritans maybe if u need to speak to some one desperately , I know I have in past , bless lady wasn’t that helpful but she listened and sometimes we need that for some one to listen to us . Sending u massive hug, try switch off and just have a lazy day doing nothing . It’s good for us too

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Confused123 – thanks again for taking the time to reply.

I honestly thought I had ‘recovered’ – I thought I’d now been out long enough to make a new life and leave it all in the past – when I was say maybe 6mth down the line I ‘boxed’ it all away and left it in the past – well I thought I had……?????

In a way I honestly don’t really feel Ive made any progress, because I never really ‘dealt’ with it all – I just ‘got on with life’ …..kept on going as best I could…..

I have never really cried….just pivked up the pieces and carried on…..

I have never actually CALLED the Samaritans, but I did email them forva while last year when things were not too good – but they really don’t advise as such, they are there only to listen really – and with 24hrs to reply – it was not always much help.

But way in the morning after sitting up alone for hours I often get this sudden ‘urge’ to be held, cuddled and loved, and there’s no one there – I just want someone to say its OK, I’m here, its all going to be OK – but there is no one to turn to at 2,3,4,5am……

Anyway that’s 8.30am – still up ,and still not sleepy – however am I going to cope today – this is now the WORST EVER – hardly slept in 22hrs……..

[Moon]

Ahh Hun
I am sending you a massive hug – and I hope it helps – I sooo know where you are coming from – I lost my foster dad last wk 😢😢😢 and have to get back for funeral !!
I’m just an emotionless robot at mo – he had taken all my feelings !
So hope you find some strength to get through this horrible time xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Moon and thank you too – and sorry for your loss too – I hope you are doig OK??

I’m sure you are coping better than me anyay – let’s face it who else on here has hardly slept in 22hrs!!!! Only one idiot I guess – me!!!!

Well yes somehow I seem to find the strength to keep on going – although I most likely look like a Zombie – I know I feel like one!!!!!

Right got to go its almost 8.45, I must at least TRY now and get a couple o hours sleep.

‘Goodnight’ ladies – and thank you all. x*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi ladies and thanks for your lovely replies – well here I am been up all night again!!!!

Yesterday (Friday) collected my daughter from College, went to Tesco, fell asleep in the car there, I actually dont think I should have been driving, but got there anyway, delivered the sympathy cards and we came home had tea, sat down to watch the sosps, fell asleep, dont know how long for, most likely around 45mins watched bit more TV, fell asleep again watched a bit more TV, then off to bed at a ‘reasonable’ time (3.30).
Had a good solid 7hr sleep – Longest I’m had in ages, got up and had a nice slow morning, didn’t do much, had lunch, managed then to go for a 30min walk as it was a lovely frosty clear day.

Delivered my son to hid dads, then got text from a friend, to say she was coming over to see me, she came with some lovely flowers, we sat and chatted for 5hrs, it was such a nice evening, we had a good old natter about everything, I felt so good, happy and relaxed.

She left and I went to pivk up my son from a night out, we sat and chatted for a bit and then the kids went to bed – I felt so good that I’d gone ALL night and kept awake, and still felt good.
BUT once left alone I fell asleep!! Only for 20mins but now that was enough, and here I am still up at 6.30am Im watched 3 episodes of GPs Uncovered, and still awake….

[mixed-up mum]

I’m back – you see this is where this behaviour is too strange, and why I have to put a stop to living this way – its almost 7am, and when many of you with small children will be getting up and making breakfast – I on the other hand have just been and had a tuna sandwich and a big bit of chocolate – at almost 7am – that’s not good – the longer I’m up the more I pick and eat – and that’s not good for me either, as Im already overweight. 🙁

Im so wide awake now, its just not real!!!

That was after a 15/20min nap at about 2.30am – and so the cycle goes on – cos I can’t sleep now, it will be late on before I do get to sleep – well then I can’t sleep for long as I’ll have to get up and do normal things like to dishes, hang out washing, make meals etc – and so I get up after maybe, 4 or 5hrs sleep and so I’m too tired to do much, and then I nap and then I cant sleep at night again – and so on and on it goes…….

Nobody knows this had become such a problem, not my kids, not my msm nor my sister ,- they all knoe I always have been s bit of a ‘ night owl’, but they have no idea Im up ALL NIGHT – I mean this is ridiculous, goné 7am, and have not been in bed and asleep yet – I’ve dosed in the chair 5hrs ago and now Im sat up in bed and wide awake!!!!!

I like being ‘different’ and not followin a ‘ridged routine’ – but this is beyond a joke now – its way beyond what anyone would call a ‘normal’ lifestyle. I can’t carry on like this, I can’t function properly, eg Friday – I was way too tired to be driving, shown by falling asleep in the Supermarket car park – what normal person does that……
BUT its a vicious cycle, can’t sleep at nights, nap through the day, so then can’t sleep at nights.

I thought today If finally broken the cycle, by staying awake all day, but a 2.30am nap has put pay to that…..my life is a mess!!!!!!

[White Rose]

Poor you. This sounds so frustrating. Just caught up with your posts and you’ve a lot going on!
Part of your sleep problem might be related to your stress but it seems pretty extreme to me and if you’re questioning if perhaps you’re not safe to drive maybe the time has come to seek medical help.
A friend of my cousins was totally wide awake yet wanting to sleep and only cat napping but feeling lousy and stressy and it turned out she had an overactive thyroid. She assumed it was all down to stress and things going on in her life.
Suggest you see your GP for a chat. You may even get a few days of sleeping tablets to sort your body clock out and some extra support too xx

[Eve1]

Hi Mixed up Mum,

It is hard talking to a gp it’s true, especially if you haven’t really talked about your marriage to them befobefore. Have you got an appointment to see the one you got on best with? If not, can you di that even if it’s a few days away? It gives you a point to focus on to start heeling yourself. And when you see them, don’t be afraid to cry out to sound unsure of yourself as you explain what’s wrong. If they are any good at all they should be able to at least listen and understand and suggest some help. We are so busy being Mums, but I found it easier to get help from Gps and counselling when I realised that helping myself was essential to carry on helping the children.
I or what you mean about not rushing to the docs to fix things, but you are doing the fixing by asking for help, not then.
Keep posting.
Good luck and hugs
Eve
x

[Confused123]

I was just thinking I know it’s frustrating not been able to sleep , why don’t u study , take a course up and maybe study in night , just thinking of ways u can tire yourself out , u prob going to say I’ve got mad ideas

[Author]

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