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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything on here. Things have been ok, nothing physical for a good while now. Everytime he gets angry and has a rant, my anxiety goes up so much. He rants for hours, sometimes it feels like it’s never going to stop and he ends up just repeating himself. He makes me feel like a bad mom sometimes like I slip on some things like for example I don’t take them out as much as I should and he’ll make me feel bad for it. He’ll think of things the kids need and it should be my job of thinking of these things. He started threatening to hit me and I was just there thinking it’s only going to be words today. But then he kicked me across the bed and elbowed me in my back. I’m such a fool for allowing myself to be treated like this. I should’ve left the first time he hit me. But I was a fool and 2 kids later. It’s not always physical so I actually thought aaww it’ll just be arguments and nasty words and as much as they hurt its better than being hit. So (detail removed by Moderator) as silly as it might sound it shocked me but left me feeling so s**t. Can’t tell my family or friends. Woke up this morning with a pain in my back. I’ve thought bout leaving but honestly I’m scared of what would happen if I did.
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Dear iwantchange,
I’m very sorry to hear what has happened and the pain he’s caused, both physically and mentally. The fact that domestic abuse comes in cycles and is rarely constant is what makes it so confusing and one of the reasons why it’s so hard to leave.
You are not a fool and didn’t “allow” this to happen. This is his doing, his choice, his responsibility. But it is only you that can make any changes. We understand how difficult it is to do, but posting here is a good start. If you haven’t done so already chatting it through with a Women’s Aid Support worker on our Live Chat could help; they won’t tell you what to do but can give support, practical information and discuss with you any options that are available based on your specific circumstances. You are right to feel caution about leaving, but with the right support it is possible to do it in the safest possible way.
If you are able to have a read through our Safety Planning section of the Survivor’s Handbook.
Be kind to yourself, and let us know how you are when you can,
Lisa
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