Before me

[Alittlelost]

We met young and been together a long time. Now i know ul try say i have trauma bonding or whatever but im sure i have made him how he is. With my disabilities he has put up alit in all the years we been together. Im sure when we met he was never like this and its gotten worse over the years as my ill mental health has put him through tough stuff.

I really do think i may of contributed 90% to why he is like this. I do believe deep down he is or was a good gentle man. Ive damaged him and now he is damaging me.this is why i continue to protect him. Maybe not with me but i believe he could go back to being the good version of himself with someone else.i just need to convince him self of this and for him to leave me.

[KIP.]

There is no excuse for domestic abuse. It always gets worse over time. Trying to end an abusive relationship is very dangerous. Have you read Living with the Dominator?

[hop]

I met mine as a teen and still I often feel that my problems might have made him that awful way. I look at the time apart and see how I’ve grown and slowly over the years and started being the person I used to before I knew him. In the other hand he still tries at every turn to undermine me and make me feel like a piece of s**t. He hasn’t changed one bit but I have. Look at yourself and see how you’ve spread your wings since you’ve broken free, then look at him. He hasn’t changed because he was always the problem. You didn’t turn him into that he was always that. He just dragged you down for so long you forgot who you were. I know it’s hard to believe because as much as I believe it for you I disbelieve it for myself and feel like nobody could be like that but they are like that. Take care x

[Tiffany]

I felt like that when I was with my abuser. It was only after I left that I realised that I had things the wrong way round. I thought my worsening disability and mental health issues were the reason he was abusive – because he couldn’t cope with the stress of it. Turns out that the reason I had worsening physical and mental health was because of the abuse. I will admit that leaving hasn’t entirely fixed this. I am still disabled, and the years of abuse have affected my mental health too. But the downward spiral, which had been going on for years, bottomed out not long after leaving him and I have gradually been making progress to improve things ever since.

The impact abuse has on mental health is massive, but it’s important not to underestimate the physical impact it has too. I developed a secondary physical condition alongside my primary disability after a couple of years of abuse. It was absolutely crippling, and severely impacted on every aspect of my life. I experienced symptoms for about 90% of each day. It is now down to 5-10 minutes on a bad day. The rest of the time (and the bad days are max two or three a month). And that’s it.

I understand that leaving can seem impossible when you are disabled, but honestly, it’s easier to be disabled and single, than disabled with a partner who is abusive. They will always make your symptoms worse. Getting away is going to be the single biggest thing you can do to improve your health. It’s absolutely not your fault, what has happened (neither the abuse, nor the disability are in your control). But you can choose how you react. You have worth and deserve what is right for you.

[Lisa]

Hi Alittlelost,

I just wanted to echo what the others have said here. Perpetrators don’t tend to show their abusive side until you’re already in the relationship; this is how you get hooked. You try to see the best in them because you want to believe/ hope that they will be that good person all the time. In all abusive relationships the good times start to get less and less and the abuse tends to increase. There is nothing that you would have said or done to warrant his abusive behaviour towards you; there is no excuse. This is a choice he’s making to be abusive towards you.

It’s understandable why you’d be feeling like this though; perpetrators tend to blame the other person for their behaviour. If they do this enough it’s understandable why you’d start to believe this.

Please do keep posting to let you know how you’re doing,

Lisa

[Alittlelost]

Thanks everyone. I just brought the dominator book and started reading some straight away. I mean there were always red marks from when we first met but nothing like how things are now. I dont know im so confused.

[Author]

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