Begging for days then nothing

[Madmam]

Hi all,

Well, day (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m still holding up.
Just wondering, he has been texting every day, begging etc, but has completely stopped for today and then earlier in the (detail removed by Moderator) days for another whole day.

Just wondering if anyone else would say this is recognisable as a behaviour in abusive men? Is he trying to make me weak /miss him/paranoid that he’s with someone else?

Absolutely no intention of falling for it anyway, but just wondering.

Thanks, and you’re all such life savers.

[Hawthorn]

Great job on holding out! You’re doing great💪

It definitely a behaviour I noticed with my ex husband, a flurry of calls, texts, emails for afew days, then nothing for a bit when I hadn’t responded, then it would start again. Took me blocking him on everything for the cycle to end and it took me weeks to build up to that.

When you can block him, do. Even just on one thing at time ie calls first, then messages etc. Its so liberating to not be afraid of your phone and hearing from him can be so upsetting. Be kind to yourself and try not to do things that upset you.

I dont know if it’s part of the push/pull of abuse cycle, him just getting bored with no response and then getting riled up again or some combination of those things but ultimately it doesnt matter. If you dont want to hear from him and/or it upsets you then you don’t have to. You dont have to listen to him anymore.

You’re free now! You can take the power back and speak onto him on your terms, when you want to. Or not at all. So delighted for you for getting out xx

[KIP.]

Hi, they will try anything. Mine went from begging to threats. To silence to turning up near my home. (detail removed by Moderator) days of texting if you’ve told him not to is definitely harrassment and I’d speak to the domestic abuse police unit about what you can do. Blocking him is a good way to go. It’s scary at first so build up by doing it maybe for an hour at a time. These men never really go away. Total rejection and zero contact and involving the law is sometimes what it takes. There was a post on here I will always remember from a lady who had her ex arrested, convicted, restraining order and after five years she was starting to get on with her life when he sent her a message asking how she was and if she still had the salad spinner. They’re delusional and you need to protect yourself.

[Bettertimesahead]

They are delusional. Mine sent a text saying if I went on 1 last holiday with him then he would accept we were finished.

[KIP.]

That’s a good one 😂. I had that he had tried to tell me several times he was having an affair but I wouldn’t listen. So it was my fault he was caught cheating. Delusions nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Texting non stop for days is a red flag. I remember having to turn my phone off one day when I saw I had 27 missed calls in the space of under 2 hours. This isn’t including the texts and voicemails. He then turned up at my door.

Is it the odd day here and there where he isn’t contacting you that is making you think ‘what’s he up to and what’s his game?’. It’s all designed to mess with your head because it is odd behaviour isn’t it. Normal people ring someone at the most 1-2 times and realise on the second unanswered call that the person isn’t available to pick up and will leave a voicemail or send a quick text to say ‘hi’ and ‘call me back’. Abusers react differently and go into a whirlwind where they pester you non-stop at the best and harass and threaten you at the worst.

Be vigilant at this stage as this is the point at which they are completely losing it through not feeling in control.

If you can block his number that would be beneficial.

[Madmam]

Thanks all.

Yes, I was wondering what his game was. I’m actually thinking he is waiting for me to text him, so he can start the whole ‘I’ve acccepted that we’re over, that you’ve planned this’ etc to get a reaction off me, then start to reel me in by ending with ‘but I want us to start over really’.

I’ll just have to wait and see if I’m right. He knows I’m alone now, the kids have gone for a few nights with their dad, so feeling a little more vulnerable now.

[Anonymous]

On top of what KIP has suggested, if you’ve not got round to changing the locks or upping your home security with a light or camera then now is the time to be looking into it if you can and can afford it. It will bring a sense of safety and peace of mind x

I would not advise making any contact with him at all. They don’t read the content of a response to their harassment of you as ‘she doesn’t want anything to do with me’ they read it as ‘she’s responded which means she is still available to me’. Your safety is paramount.

If you’re feeling vulnerable, I suggest you do what KIP is suggesting plus if you have a good friend or family member that you feel you can talk to then give them a call and see if you can stay with them or they stay with you. Even if that is not possible, just having a chat with them and making them aware of how you’re feeling is positive x

[KIP.]

Talk to the police domestic abuse unit and your local woman’s aid. That feeling of vulnerability is your gut screaming at you. Trust your gut. Remember abusers only want to get close to us to slap us again either physically or more likely emotionally. Many just want you to get back with them so they can discard you with maximum hurt and pain for you. They are liars. Don’t take chances. If you feel vulnerable then speak to the s police. They can put a marker on your home and phone and even drive by now and again but keep up the zero contact. It turns into an argument with the police if you start replying whereas at the moment it’s harrassment.

[KIP.]

I mean the police may treat it as an argument. Unless there’s specific threats or he has been told not to contact you again. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline x

[Madmam]

I will KIP, thanks. You know yourself, I don’t want to ‘waste their time’, but I’ll do it just in case. He’s smart, he won’t want to get into trouble with the police. Acts like their best friend and I’m the neurotic woman 🙄

[KIP.]

Make sure it’s the domestic abuse unit, all those days of texting isn’t wasting anyone’s time. It’s a huge red flag and perhaps a Warning from them may make him think twice. He can’t excuse away his own harassing behaviour x

[Madmam]

OK so you’re dead right. He texted me tonight. I couldve sworn I saw his mother’s car drive by bit I can’t be sure. Guards are rang. Jesus Christ when will this stop.

[KIP.]

Take some deep breaths. It will stop when you take back control and make it stop. Start the process of getting a new phone number.

[Madmam]

I will. Thanks kip. Jesus I want out. But we were right. X

[KIP.]

Yes sadly these men can be very predictable. You absolutely did the right thing. Show them the texts and make sure they take this seriously. Does he have access to his mums car? There’s no such thing as a coincidence where these men are concerned so let them know about the car too x

[KIP.]

Remember the national domestic abuse helpline is 24/7 if you need to talk to someone x

[Madmam]

I rang the (detail removed by moderator) and they didn’t believe me Mocked me

[KIP.]

Id ask to speak to their supervisor. Don’t give up. Did you ask for the domestic abuse unit if they have one? They have a duty to protect you and harrassment is a crime.

[KIP.]

There are still too many who don’t understand domestic abuse and how it escalates and how ending a relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman.

[Madmam]

I tried. They didn’t take me seriously. Omg.

[KIP.]

It’s absolutely not you it’s them. Do you have a local women’s aid or domestic abuse charity that can advocate for you. Try not to panic. Make sure you’re safe and the doors and windows are locked. If he has a key then leave yours in the lock so he cant use his.

[KIP.]

Just checking in with you today. Please find your local women’s aid or domestic abuse charity and ring the national domestic abuse helpline for advice and validation. I know how the poor response from the police feels but it’s important for you and also other vulnerable women that these officers do their job properly. Your local charity may also be able to signpost you to a civil order. A non molestation order obtained via the court with a power of arrest if he breaches it. You shouldn’t have to go down the civil route for a criminal offence but it’s another option and they can help you with this. It will give you some protection. Don’t think that you can deal with him by yourself. I tried it you cannot negotiate with a stalker x

[Anonymous]

Good morning Madmam,

How are you doing today?

I walked into my local police station and gave a statement of the harassment and stalking behaviour there and then. Sometimes showing up in person on the Police doorstep means they cannot shoo you away in the same way they can on a phone call. They will want to read/listen to the phone calls and texts and they will want copies of the texts which they will sort out at the police station. It turned out my stalker had previous and he was known to the Police. They arrested him and pulled him in for questioning. I can’t say anymore about this as it would be identifiable to me.

It’s better to start the ball rolling as soon as possible.

x

[Madmam]

Thanks for checking up on me girls.
I’m still in shock at how the woman spoke to me on the phone. Like I was annoying her. She said there was no such thing as ‘marking a house’.

I know I’m not in the UK but still, I’m shocked at how I was treated. I’ll ring later today to complain. I also explained that I had got my ex removed from the house (detail removed  by moderator) and they should have that on their records!

It beggars belief.

[KIP.]

I’m glad you’re still fighting which you shouldn’t have to. A police marker on your property and your phone means that if you do need their help quickly they will already be aware of your circumstances and prioritise you as being at risk. Which if they had actually done a risk assessment at the time they would have known. Please find a local domestic abuse charity to support you with this. I involved my MP too. Shocking lack of assistance x

[KIP.]

Sad to say but in my experience it’s whoever shouts the loudest that gets heard so shout loudly x

[Madmam]

👍

[Scottish Thistle]

Blocking is definitely the way to go although they will try all ways to get in touch with you. For the last while my husband has caused nothing but mayhem, that much so that for a full week I was in touch with with the police and them at the house to me having to report him to his work for harassing a family member at their place of work. All things coincide with dates/events. All was semi quiet through December but it was (detail removed by Moderator) recently and he tried (detail removed by Moderator) people to pass a message on to wish me a happy birthday- all refused although told me he had been in touch. I keep asking myself why do that after causing so much hassle but it’s what these men do they bombard you, go silent to then knock you for six with contact.

Just stay strong and try not give into contact although it can be hard.

[Madmam]

Thanks thistle!

Well it turns out he got frustrated, tried to turn the tables on me and said I was harassing him, called me and my mother n********ts, then proceeded to block me 🙄

I kinda knew he’d want to get the last word in, and now this last email he sent will be the only thing he will remember, that I was abusing him and he had to block me 🙄 typical behaviour from him. I’m annoyed that he managed to do this, on the last way of contact but what can you do. It has, and will always be, his loss.

[Anonymous]

Typical n**********c behaviour, they always attempt to turn whatever the situation is to work in their favour. They always play the eternal victim in everything to the bitter end.

Thank goodness you’re out of there! Every cloud x

[Madmam]

Yes. There’s a part of me that still wants to make him and everybody who is fooled by him SEE.

But, I can’t. And I think even he knows deep down what he’s like. Maybe 🤔

[Anonymous]

Ah yes, the stage where revenge seems like a really tempting and good idea. I remember it well. All the things i’d say and all the things i’d do, all the plans my mind would fantasise about to get him back. To expose him.

The truth is, your revenge was to escape him first and then it’s to heal yourself and be happy and ultimately free 😀

N********ts and abusers hate that more than anything. That’s true revenge x

[Anonymous]

Can you get a new number? I had my mobile number changed and got a new email address.

[KIP.]

He’s done you a huge favour. If he does get back in touch which I think he will, he will look even more ridiculous. He can never admit what he is. Lie and deny till you die is his motto. I’m dealing with one very similar. Just protect yourself x block him on everything x

[Author]

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