Beginning to regret ending things the way I did

[Good samaritan]

I’m not sure if it is part of the cycle after realising our relationship wasn’t normal but abusive or if the problem was with me all along. To cut a long situation short I’m the youngest of a large family and since we lost our dad some years ago we are not as close as we used to be. Many of my siblings don’t even bother visiting our mum because she can be quite bad tempered and moody at times even somewhat childish in her behaviour to the point she doesn’t hold back and can be very insensitive and harsh with her words. Anyway my ex picked up on this while we were together and used to have a go at me saying I let my mum speak to me and treat me like rubbish even though I’m the one that goes to hers daily to help her due to her failing health. I’m now in a situation where my mum is constantly having a go at me for having to do mandatory things that the jobcentre arrange for me while I’m desperately trying to find a more permanent job to provide for myself. Even when I tell her it’s not optional and it’s part of my agreement to be entitled to benefits she still has a go. I’m now beginning to feel as though I was too critical of my ex to try and please my mum. I’m really down tonight and struggling to put things into perspective..

[KIP.]

Try to keep the spotlight on his abusive behaviour. Don’t allow his voice inside your head.

[starryeyed]

Hey Goodsamaritan,

I’m sorry to hear that you feel so low tonight, evenings can be the worst for feeling down I think. I can assure you that the problem has not been with you. Your ex was abusive and you do not deserve to be abused and there are no excuses/reasons for him. It sounds very much like he was triangulating you with your mother and picking up on your relationship with her…and instead of supporting you with it, was using it to his cruel advantage. You are doing so well with the Job Centre tasks and looking for a permanent job, and you should give yourself some credit for doing this and for being out of your abusive relationship with your ex. I’m sorry that your mum has been having a go at you – that isn’t what you need at all – but it sounds like she hasn’t been supportive and that she perhaps won’t change? I also have family members like this and I try to limit the amount of time and contact I have with them (sounds really harsh, but I cannot cope with it) – maybe try to limit the conversation you have with her about your work? And keep posting on here if you need x*x <3 I hope you manage to get some rest tonight.

[starryeyed]

P.S. I also have moments where I regret ending things the way I did. Mainly because there is his voice in my head telling me I have been cruel and just cut him out with no rhyme or reason. And I feel so guilty and like I made everything out to be a bigger deal than it was. But NO. We ended things the way we did because we had to. We didn’t want to be abused, we didn’t ask for this. I had to up and leave because of his behaviour, it wasn’t safe for me to see my ex in person and I was strongly advised by police and professionals to not meet him. So there was no other way than ending things how I did. You did what you had to do x*x

[Good samaritan]

Thank you KIP and Starry-eyed.

I agree the evenings are far worse for me. That’s when I let doubts and regrets creep in.

My relationship with my Mum hasn’t been the best over the years and one of my sisters actually had to have CBT counselling organised by her employer at the time because of my Mum becoming so dependant on her. Sadly my mum moans about each of us and our failings to all of us individually and prides herself on the fact she raised a large family more or less by herself cos my dad worked away. The sad part is all I remember from my childhood is my mum having a nervous breakdown and crying in a heap in the kitchen because she couldn’t cope with my dad working away. Yet she continually criticises each one of us how we have raised our children and them their children (hypocrisy) is a word that springs to mind but I never verbalise that to her out of respect but it would be nice if she had been more supportive and less critical perhaps then things wouldn’t be as distant as it is between us all.

As for my ex the feelings are gradually fading but then certain things trigger memories and that’s when I start to question things. The last fortnight has been a lot more positive due to me having structure through the day and the tutor actually made a comment that I seem to be the most normal out of our group which made me chuckle to myself because I have felt slightly insane in recent months.

Once again thank you for you kind words of encouragement and support x

[AirBlue]

I agree with starryeyed. You did what you had to in order to look after yourself and that is in no way, shape or form a bad thing. That is admirable. There are still a lot of people in the world who haven’t yet learned to recognise that. I think you can draw a lot of strength from the fact that you ended it.

I also agree that limiting time with your mum might be beneficial. I have some family members who are exactly the same and I’m learning that I do need to distance myself from them from time-to-time. An old counsellor of mine taught me that the most important thing to do is to protect yourself.

The evenings are incredibly tough. I can sympathise with that. Maybe try to set aside some time to pamper yourself each evening, do something that you enjoy doing. It might make the evenings a bit easier for you.

[Author]

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