Behind closed doors.

[Busyditch]

I had such a bad weekend. I don’t know why but I started writing this. I’ve never done anything like this before. I will never let anyone read it that knows me so I will just leave it here. Maybe telling people my situation is too hard, this is a halfway there. Sorry if I’m not making any sense, my mind is such a mess at the moment.

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

When we first met
One night in November,
We watched an old movie
A night I remember.

We did have some fun
When we first started out,
We’d laugh in the house
When no ones about.

It didn’t take long
The cracks started to show
I fell for his charm
But I also felt low.

The children we had
Brought joy to my life,
But he made it quite clear
I was a bad wife.

Fast forward some years
Six ops on my brain,
But that feeling at home
Was I going insane?

Each day he came home,
I’d stand to attention,
I’d fake my excitement,
Await his intention.

Sometimes I’m surprised
By all the good humour,
But that doesn’t last
It’s not just a rumour

I can’t take any more,
my fight has all gone,
I thought he could change,
but sadly I’m wrong.

The things that he does
The words that he uses
That feeling, it hurts
Leaves emotional bruises

He convinced me I’m mad
I was going insane,
I doubt everyday
Everyday is the same.

I wish I had some more strength
The courage to go,
My mind she thinks yes
But my body says no.

[Darcy]

That’s brilliant, thank you for sharing that and saying it so beautifully.
Keep writing its a great way to move your feelings through, and you sharing that is sure to help and inspire others to do the same.
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[sweet4]

WOW
Your a poet and you know it.
Well donexx

[ISOPeace]

That is so powerful Busyditch, thank you for sharing. xxxx

[ISOPeace]

I really loved your poem and lines kept popping into my head, so I hope you don’t mind but I wrote a reply. I should say that it’s all about the feelings involved in leaving an abuser and is in no way suggesting that there is no risk of physical harm from abusers. It also is written from my experience so apologies if some it sounds like I’m assuming I know how you feel. xxxx

Your mind she thinks yes
Your body says no
Your mind looks to freedom
Your body won’t go

You feel weak for not leaving
Life is hopeless, such a waste
But your body is doing
All it knows to keep you safe

Your mind sees leaving as a challenge
But not beyond your power
Your body sees a minefield
With snipers on towers

You’ve been sucked in and spat out
Love bombed and hurt
Your body has learned
To stay on high alert

Though you long to be seen
Your feelings aren’t seen at all
Your body knows not to challenge
To stay safe, stay still and small

Your body has kept you
Alive every day
Unable yet to see
That there is another way

You only know false love
Threats and criticism at length
Self compassion and support from others
Will help you find strength

Maybe with lots of help
Maybe you’ll manage without
You’ll leave when you’re ready
Despite fear and self doubt

In time your perspective
Will start to shift
And the FOG of abuse
Will begin to lift

‘til then your body sees tigers
Its only option to freeze
No wonder you feel stuck
Too scared to leave

But there is no tiger
Though the feelings are real
You can’t always see the truth
Just from how you feel

Your feelings say you need him
You can’t cope alone
You feel guilty and desperate
How can you leave him on his own?

But these feelings are a product
Of how you’ve tried to survive
The shield of self blame and trauma bond
That tried to keep you alive

To reach the freedom you deserve
You’ll see the prison walls give way
You built a shield and took on feelings
From the abuse you suffered each day

So you have a shield to discard
Painful feelings to feel
Then to let go of
And wounds to heal

But you’re not your wounds
your feelings, your shield or scars
You’ve always been perfect
and whole as you are

[Learntoliveagain]

Busyditch & ISOPeace your poems are incredibly moving, they’re brilliant.
Thank you for posting them x

[Sleepypigeon]

Wow just wow
So powerful and made me emotional x

[Rosemary]

Your poem made me feel emotional busyditch
I feel with your poem and I can understand how your feeling . Thank you for shareing

[Busyditch]

I wasn’t expecting that response… I’m speechless!!

[ISOPeace]

Aw thanks. Busyditch your poem made me think about how much shame we feel about our situation and also guilt about leaving. We feel like there’s something wrong with us but we’re actually responding in a totally normal way for a human being. When I learnt that I felt like a weight had lifted and I started to feel stronger. We feel weak because we’ve had our power taken away by force and by stealth. We can take it back by getting out and we will get out. Xxxx

[Cosmicasca]

Thank you so much for both your poems, really spoke to me 💖

[MollyPolly]

I loved both poems! You got this! I know it must being hard! Sending hugs!

[Author]

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