Being able to talk to someone non-judgemental

[A.N.Onymous]

Hi All,

I’m new to the forum. I have just got out of a physically abusive relationship and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. All my old friends from before the relationship are gone, my current friends are friends of his, and my best friend stopped talking to me about a year ago after I wouldn’t/couldn’t leave him. I’m a PhD student so my current situation is full of academics who I don’t feel I can tell without being judged or asked ‘why didn’t you just leave?’ or I feel I’m putting emotional pressure on people that I could tell. Is anyone else in this situation?

I have spent many years justifying my ex-partner’s abuse and actually completely ignoring it. I can’t even bring myself to type the things I’ve been through. I thought it would get easier once I got out but it is like all of a sudden, I have to deal with all the reasons the relationship ended and that means actually acknowledging they happened. It feels worse than being in it, I can’t seem to acknowledge that I was a victim because I’d have to ask myself why I let it continue. I can’t concentrate on my work and I can’t tell anyone why. If any of you ladies have any recommendations on how to get through this, I would so much appreciate it.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. I think some good councelling where you can actually talk about it. Start with your GP. I was abused for decades but the first two years after I left was worse than any two I ever spent with him. PTSD is a huge factor after leaving. I couldn’t concentrate enough to finish a paragraph of a book. I still have problems with concentration. So well done for getting any work done. When we are in an abusive relationship all our headspace is taken up managing it and trying to stay safe so when we are free that’s when our brain gets to process all that trauma and that’s when I was hit by flashbacks, nightmares, triggers and when you should be looking at help with your mental health. Meantime you can ring the helpline number on here if you need to speak to someone who knows what you’re going through and can offer support. It also helped me to write everything down in a journal. Keep posting, there are lots of lovely ladies on here who offer great support.

[Anonymous]

hi A.N.Onymous wish i could say something to ease your pain, i have just left a violent husband and understand the pain of not wanting others to know and judge you but i found people are more understanding than i expected them to be i didnt put this on my parents as i know they couldnt deal with it and that hurts, i feel that you dont want to face up to whats happened you seem to want to bury it away, kip is right you should get councelling you need to talk these things through i cant work at the moment and am not able to concentrate i also found like kip that writing things down helps when your thoughts are all jumbled x

[A.N.Onymous]

Hi maryanne and KIP,

Thanks for your messages, I really appreciate them. I’ve booked a session for next (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve spent two hours writing down everything I can remember about the abuse, or at least everything I could write about. I feel better already. I don’t feel good, but I feel better. Thank you both for your help.

[KIP.]

Lundy Bancroft wrote Why Does He Do That. Have a look at that book. Also Pat Craven wrote Living With The Dominator. That book was a real eye opener for me. It could have been written about my ex. Turns out abusers are all the same. Hang in there and keep posting if you need to. Don’t forget the helpline on here. I rang the Samaritans one night too when I was rock bottom. They are good listeners x

[Starsindarkness]

Hello A.N.Onymous, I too have got out of a abusive relationship which was physically abusive and every other abuse you could think of, I too just felt numb to it most of the time. I would never have considered myself before I went through it that I was the sort of person that would ever be a ‘victim’ but now I know it can happen to anyone. I too think this is the hardest part because when you was I was in the relationship I knew he would never to the point where he would attempt to kill me because he loved the control over me too much, also on the good days I could just pretend it wasn’t happening. Now I don’t know what he will do I am in a constant state of anxiety. Also I am getting flashbacks of things I have suppressed that he has put me through and I just think how did I cope with it, how did I allow it to happen. But it’s the mind games and the emotional blackmail that make us stay. I even used to defend his actions by telling myself I deserved it and I provoked him because that’s the only way my mind could process it. Because what’s the alternative? The cold truth that someone we put our trust in and gave our hearts to betrayed us in the worst possible way and broke our soul? It’s so hard to process. You’ve done the best thing coming on here though, i want you to know you are not alone and we will get through it. I just want everyone on here to find that peace, because I’ve forgotten what it felt like to be free. Sending thoughts

[Starsindarkness]

Adding on to my post- I am studying my masters so in education still and I have lots of exams coming up I can’t possibly do, but my pride won’t let me explain my situation.

[A.N.Onymous]

Hello KIP, I read Living with the dominator and it was an eye opener. Thank you for the recommendation.

Starsindarkenss, I finally took the step to email my supervisor and ask for an extension. My deadlines are really soon but I just can’t handle the pressure. Every time I’m on my own, my mind circles back to dealing with everything that I have been through. I hope you manage to cope with yours too. The Women’s Aid officer I have been speaking to has offered to get in touch with the university as well. I hope that you can figure out a way around your exams, the added pressure and academic expectations when we can’t even think straight is so difficult. I completely understand your situation.

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