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My ex-husband is a covert abuser, I have failed to thrive during my long marriage suffering mental health issues, chronic fatigue and PTSD. I now live as a recluse and I recently represented myself in court (detail removed by Moderator). He has used the court system to continue his abuse AND it is not on the Court radar. I am basically being abused by my ex-husband and pressured by his lawyers eg. (detail removed by Moderator).
I have absolutely had enough, I cannot continue to be abused by him relentlessly (detail removed by Moderator) years after our divorce. I have been the ‘grey rock’ I have felt the incessant pressure of his longstanding control and disrespect and also his extreme hate and the need to cause me distress. I have had enough. He is in a position of power and he is cashed up. BUT he is a covert abuser and I do not know how this will pan out but I am pushing back. I am looking online today for a lawyer who specialises in Covert Abuse and I see there are many. Male Privilege is toxic. I emailed him personally (detail removed by Moderator) and let him know that I will speak up and I am pushing back. This big man will be punishing I know but I cannot stop myself from fighting back, I cannot sit in that place of abused powerlessness and pain with my crushed sense of self. (detail removed by Moderator). I am in a position where I can fight tho because he is a (detail removed by Moderator) and many do not have that advantage. I have joined this community to find support but also to support others, I applied for the divorce myself and know how to help others do the same, I have represented myself in court (detail removed by Moderator). But I can help others with the process, I have been researching (detail removed by Moderator) and totally understand my husbands behaviour. I have also learnt effective cognitive behaviour tools. I also want to say that my journey through abuse has been decades but right now I am able to fight back, no one recommends this, I don’t know what will happen I know I need support and I’m hoping to find an online community. -
really really sad to hear that you are still finding it incredibly difficult after all this time. was with my ex (detail removed by Moderator) decades & he was a covert ‘n’. it took me (detail removed by Moderator) years to get him out then over (detail removed by Moderator) years to sort the property out – because yes they will drag it on & on for as long as they can just to stay in control. there were so many things that broke my heart during this process. so many lies. so very very much i wanted to say to him. but i knew this would only make him happy to get a reaction, so i had to keep it to myself. i was lucky to get a good solicitor who knew exactly what he was. i am awaiting trauma counselling as i have c-ptsd, am agoraphobic & have fibromyalgia. and the isolation is unbearable. i know you will want to stand up for yourself & fight back – its just being very careful not to play their games isnt it. not to give them the satisfaction of thinking they are riling you. i do hope you are able to speak to someone experienced in this type of abuse & that you are able to receive the help you so desperately need. i know how important the truth is to all of us, especially when the outside world sees a different side to them. i understand that feeling of being despised & hated which became more obvious the stronger you become & the more independent you are of them. that contempt & vengeance. i know i am not a lot of help but i can tell you that the women on here will be there for you & that you are certainly not alone. there might be some ladies more experienced & able to advise you properly. but hoping it has helped you to be able to write about it & let others know your distress & frustration. big big hug x
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Thankyou minimeerkat, that is the most supportive and understanding reply I have ever ever had and it’s so heartwarming for me to get your feedback and feel supported. Big Thankyou ***** The empathy that women have who have survived abuse is remarkable and I feel like I have come to the right place, to post my experience today and have this caring support straight away. I read that womensaid made coercive control illegal and that fact alone gives me hope in my ongoing case and it’s an actual law.
best wishes and hugs to you minimeerkat X -
begood, i think it helps when someone listens. even better if they have been through something similar. even if they cannot really help – but they are kind caring supportive & understanding. it just seemed to me that we are both left dealing with mental health issues, physical problems & isolation from this covert type of abuse. and i am sure there are many others suffering just like we are. just to say i remembered ‘rights of women’ a website that was recommended to me in the past, giving free legal advice on all aspects of family law etc. dont know if they could be of any help to you, but hope you find the relevant support very soon. keep posting as hopefully writing it all down will help you so much, helps you make a bit more sense of things somehow. this type of covert abuse does such a lot of damage & ive read that connecting with others helps so very very much with helping you heal. thinking of you x
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Thankyou minimeerkat, I’ll check out ‘rights of women’ and you are right about these conversations and being listened to and writing things down it helps to process and work towards a better state of mind or solution. I am feeling very unhinged, I have not read any information for this transition I am going through right now, I feel like I have reached the end of my endurance to suffer the abuse during this terrible court experience. I wanted it to stop so badly I have called him out and while I was writing the big list of terrible things he has done to me and others, it struck me that it was unbelievable what he has got away with. How could have I thought that was OK during a long marriage, someone said that I seemed to have something like Stockholm syndrome? I don’t know what is going to happen but I’m glad I have your support minimeerkat. Big thankyou XX
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Hi,
very interested to read your messages. I am just starting on the process of separating from my abuser. Like you both I had been with him for many, many years and in that time been completely coercively controlled. A lightbulb switched on about 3 years ago and since then everything is as clear as day. I believe mine is a covert n********t too. Everyone in the community thinks he’s ‘great’. He’s got lots of flying monkeys. My situation is; after discovering his latest round of cheating I asked him to leave. He refused and offered to buy me out of the property. I can’t afford a property for myself and children and he is pushing on me to leave. My solicitor and even some of my family members are pushing me to just take the money… It’s not enough money to start a fresh and it will push me into living in a very difficult financial position. Family members implying that by me not accepting his offer immediately I am harming the children. He is coming across as being very reasonable. Even my solicitor is saying his messages are reasonable and there is nothing abusive there.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I think you are fantastic standing up to your abuser. People don’t understand the years and years of abuse we have suffered and at times we get made to feel as though we are being difficult and can’t just move on with our lives and they are being reasonable. There is so much victim blaming in our society. Let me know how you go on finding a solicitor who understand the abuse. Well done for representing yourself in court. That is an amazing achievement and as Maya Angelou says ‘Everytime a women stands up for herself, she is standing up for all women’
Take care, xx -
Hi,
very interested to read your messages. I am just starting on the process of separating from my abuser. Like you both I had been with him for many, many years and in that time been completely coercively controlled. A lightbulb switched on about 3 years ago and since then everything is as clear as day. I believe mine is a covert n********t too. Everyone in the community thinks he’s ‘great’. He’s got lots of flying monkeys. My situation is; after discovering his latest round of cheating I asked him to leave. He refused and offered to buy me out of the property. I can’t afford a property for myself and children and he is pushing on me to leave. My solicitor and even some of my family members are pushing me to just take the money… It’s not enough money to start a fresh and it will push me into living in a very difficult financial position. Family members implying that by me not accepting his offer immediately I am harming the children. He is coming across as being very reasonable. Even my solicitor is saying his messages are reasonable and there is nothing abusive there.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I think you are fantastic standing up to your abuser. People don’t understand the years and years of abuse we have suffered and at times we get made to feel as though we are being difficult and can’t just move on with our lives and they are being reasonable. There is so much victim blaming in our society. Let me know how you go on finding a solicitor who understand the abuse. Well done for representing yourself in court. That is an amazing achievement and as Maya Angelou says ‘Everytime a women stands up for herself, she is standing up for all women’
Take care, xx-
Hi Nomorepain, it’s a long road but the law does support mothers and children and from what I have read, a woman with children may be supported in their home and the husband needs to help to support you until the children are 18 or older? This is only my opinion but I believe UK Law does support women in your situation. Also online I have seen that in a divorce the financial remedy starts at 50/50 but would be in favour of putting the family first, so your husband offering half is not going to work for you, he is not considering you or his children.
I’ve started calling my Ex a covert Abuser and people who do not know about N******* accept that label and then see it in him.
I wish I could help you more, I just know that the financial agreement was difficult but I paid for a package for someone to write a Consent Order for £270 and that is the first thing I pushed him for in a totally sorry state of PTSD, I then went online and downloaded the Form for Decree Nisi and posted that in and I then downloaded the Form for Decree Absolute and posted that in. I can give you more details. Although I represented myself in this current case, I did very badly, the UK court allows self representation because most ppl have no money BUT my Ex had v good lawyers. I hope you can work out how to keep your family in the house and also I wanted to say that I had enormous fear of my ex, I found his lack of empathy and his lies, abuse and lack of respect scared me in a subliminal way and I always had this front of self respect and strength. My whole life was spent under his coercive control and slowly over 2-3 years I have changed, I accept what he is, my world view of men has changed, I no longer fear him, I push back BUT I really want him in my past and be off his radar. Baby steps, one small step forward and sometimes 5 steps back but you do get there… take care X
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nomorepain have you also considered seeing whether the rights of women can help/advise? or are you too far into current negotations etc. i think i might have replied to one of your earlier posts explaining that i was lucky to get a mortgage to buy him out – even as i write that i still cannot believe it as i do not work (agoraphobia, c-ptsd, fibromyalgia). something i also remembered when initially contacting my local domestic abuse service, my support worker told me i wouldnt be homeless as the council would help house me (because of the abuse). i was just so lucky to have the financial adviser find me a deal that i qualified for. you can imagine the horror & rage from my ex. if you dont feel what is being suggested is right, then do not be made to feel guilty by family members etc – because at the end of the day you are still thinking of yourself & your children. its so upsetting & frustrating when the community think your abuser is wonderful (when in reality the police wanted to take him into custody!). i know i shouldnt have but i only reacted once to a neighbours comment with ‘there are no 2 sides to the story when it comes to being abused, there is only the truth’. its also upsetting & frustrating when they are appearing like mr wonderful when responding to your solicitor – i think luckily mine knew what he was really like no matter how false he came across (i had to tell her once about him shoving one of her letters through my door as he was refusing to cooperate). its just them losing control isnt it. horrible when you see that reality, that it was all about control & the minute they start losing control you start to see exactly who they really are. thinking of you, too x
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I spoke to a financial advisor yesterday who discussed the possibility of buying him out. It didn’t look that likely, however I will contact another mortgage broker. I want to thoroughly research every avenue before I commit.
I’m expecting things to start to escalate now. I have said no to his demands and as I know from experience, there is always a punishment for saying ‘no’.
Thank you for reassuring me that it is nog me being unreasonable and selfish and emotionally harming the children (all of these things are being implied by various people). I’m so glad you found a good solicitor. I’m wondering whether to just find someone else. I think my solicitor is trying to save me money, hence why she’s wanting this matter resolved.
I’m trying to keep my eyes on that flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for offering your support. It makes me feel less crazy! I feel like abuse victims are always blamed for their reaction and it’s so exhausting justifying ourselves all the time xx-
Hi Nomorepain, I just wanted to mention that I rang wikivorce initially years ago and they talked to me for an hour and gave me good information that I could use and also lawyers give free information with initial calls and tell you your rights concerning staying in the house with your children. Laws are there to protect women bringing up children. When you know your rights it empowers you more to make the best choices AND although we are vulnerable to other peoples opinions in these situations, what is really needed is support and the ppl who support you by helping you put your childrens needs first and keep a roof over your head and stability for your family.
I hope this helps.
Take Care
X -
Thank you so much for this support. I will follow up your leads. I think when my current solicitor, encouraged me to just take his money and leave. I started to feel really angry. How can this man abuse me for so long and just effectively kick me and children out of the house. I can feel already the shift of blame is starting to point at me, as though I am being difficult for not leaving. I have my moment when I think it would be easier for me and kids to move out but I can’t think straight under his pressure. I think what makes it more difficult for me is that we are not married. The solicitor pointed out that it is not straightforward for unmarried couples and that all we can negotiate is the property.
Thanks again! It really does make a difference getting the support on here! Other people don’t understand xx -
Hi Nomorepain, when we are seen as being difficult then we need to look at that as coercion as you have to put yourself and your kids first. If looking after your family is being difficult then you have to own your responsibility here and take care of YOU. Take your time, and work out what you want to do and how you can live. Staying in the house and taking your time and when you feel that anger then for me that’s when I started to work things out and push back. When you are pushed into a corner you have to push back. During my long court case, I did not get any money due to me but I got myself, my ex doesn’t scare me anymore, it’s been decades of fear and now I have broken through.
take care
x*x
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I am so sorry for all your experiences and the terrible impact it has on you and families over the years.
Unfortunately, there is a growing trend to use ‘narc’ as an excuse for the abuse, and it also serves an agenda well to distract courts from whats actually happening, which is male perpetrated abuse and violence. Moving away from calling it what it is, domestic abuse, can undermine the strength of your position, as all the stats show that violence on women and children by men is a gendered pattern from men.
Focus on the tactics that are perpetrated against you, like parental alienation which is child-abuse, and all the other truths that you know are your lived reality with them. Keep strong to your truth and hold your power; in staying true to yourself and your truth, you protect your mind and emotions, don’t be deviated from what we all know here is domestic abuse, loud and clear.
Far too many women have far too big a battle to fight against deviation tactics in the courts, we must not let other erase our experiences and rename them. Here is all the experience of the other women that know their truth and have discovered their strength through it against male perpetrated violence. Its all covert, abusers have an outside persona to uphold so that they can lay the blame at your door, always. Rise up women and speak your truths.
warmest wishes
ts
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i am so pleased you are taking your time & considering any & every option that might be available to you. because i honestly thought he had got me where he wanted me & i stayed put with him controlling everything – how long i would remain in my home etc. because he made sure i knew he wanted me out, even though he knew i was agoraphobic & my home was my sanctuary. it was so cruel i try not to think back to it. he also thought i should just ‘dump’ my …… into a stretch of water in a neighbouring village. i was absolutely heartbroken at how cold & callous he was. i had looked after them for over (detail removed by Moderator) years – they were my life & all i had left. there were several mortgage deals that didnt materialise which caused a lot of anxiety, but then one was found. its something i never ever thought possible so try as many avenues as you can. its a massive thing that needs to be right for you & your children. you wont be looking back then & think ‘if only id done this …or done that’ because you will be confident in how & why you reached your decision/choice. i did wonder if you were happy with your current solicitor, only you will know whether its right to continue – i suppose you could think about it this way that ‘you’ are in control now. you get to say what you wish to achieve. and yes, the word no to an abuser is like a red rag to a bull – you are exactly right as there is always the punishment. best thing is though that you are prepared for this & it wont come as such as shock. lots of thoughts, support & a hug x
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Covert abuse over decades then intensified emotional abuse during my divorce have impacted every aspect of my life but most noticeably with traumatic experience. SO lately I have been talking to dozens of lawyers and there is desensitisation for them from dealing with peoples legal problems and often bad behaviour or seeing the worst aspects of humanity, they are often completely disinterested.
It’s the human condition but I am sick of it all, there is something deeply disgusting about a man who abuses his wife.
I’m not sure if I can say that allowed or in writing but that is where I am at right now and I want to tell it how it is for me….-
Be Good,
Lawyers are professionals often with hundreds of cases. Their clients are deeply emotionally invested in their own cases. It can dominate lives. The lawyers cannot get emotionally involved. If they did they couldn’t do their job as losing a case would crush them and also they would lose all objectivity in giving advice. They have to be objective and give the correct advice about what the law is and what the courts are likely to do.
A lot of people are going to hate the advice because it is not what they want to hear. They only want to hear that they will win what they want. But unless cases settle so each side has compromised, one party will lose in court and the lawyer has to tell people the risks of that happening.
Its very very hard for people who are so invested and care so deeply about their own cases.
It’s really tough and frustrating. Best of luck with everything. -
yes Marmalade I agree and I have to get my head around it all, and thankyou for your message. Lawyers have enormous stress in their jobs when working in family law and see the cases that reach the court are predominantly to do with toxic husbands.
I think that if it is illegal to abuse your wife then the abusers will feel less entitled to do so. I want to call him out and push my ex husband back and I worry about what he is capable of, but is this just a fear tactic of his? I don’t know yet but I will find out.
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Here we have a company leader and a very good Lawyer putting their minds together to get the better of an abused wife….. No wonder our entire planet is in crisis.
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