Being all nice?

[Beautifulday]

morning Everyone

I just wanted to post an update so this morning hes being all nice as pie, wanted to make me breakfast talking all nice. This is what throws me off , i start to feel i have built courage and strength then when he’s like this I know its just a mask and false but it instantly makes me feel guilty ? I know this sounds so stupid! I feel guilty that maybe I’m over reacting or plotting behind his back i can’t describe it just guilt and a wierd feeling, has anyone else this? I know a lot of ladies on here have already got out and I hope someday i will find that strength but right now I’m in realisation stage my head is all over the place so wondering if anyone is currently in this situation currently experiencing it?

[Buddy]

Yes!! I feel exactly the same as you !
I have written on here a lot lately , enough to be able to get the advice to see what’s happening .. but I still don’t trust my own judgement ! It’s like I need validation all the time and for someone to tell me what to do !
(Detail removed by moderator) I went for a run , I came home , (detail removed by moderator) , he had been out to (detail removed by moderator) and told me have a nice bath , don’t rush and come and eat (detail removed by moderator) 😬
Then I think is this the cycle part where he draws me in or is this his way of making things up to me .. I feel guilty and all the other emotions you talk about !
My children stayed in their grandparents (detail removed by moderator) and my mum who knows about my situation and I am sending her the chats I am having on here , so she can understand .. then last night she said to me .. think about what you are doing as these children adore their father , which sent me into another guilt spin !! W*f , I said that’s unfair .. it’s like she doesn’t want to face us splitting and everything that comes with it !! Xx

 

[Buddy]

Beautifulday to top it all off my friend just messaged Me to see if I am ok .. and she saying I have gone quiet and is worried about me !!
Then proceeds to say we are all going through hard time with covid , glass is half empty for us all .. don’t think too much about things atm as you could make wrong decisions .. 😩

[Chestnut]

@beautifulday this is the whole reason he is nice to make you question and feel guilty. It is all part of it

@buddy you have one life, this is your life not theirs. Lockdown has increased stress but it also stripped a lot of things back so we can’t hide away from things that aren’t right anymore! Plus there is no immediate vaccine can you live like this for another 12 months? That is 12 months of your life, not theirs x

[Headspinning]

I had a member of my family who opinion I respect “help” us as mediator last year during a particularly big bust up when left to my own devices I would have just left I think.
Due to this persons support, I decided to give it another chance. The other chance cost me (detail removed by moderator) more months when my abuser got marginally better for a short time but very much carried on ruining special days, a ting entitled, making me walk on eggshells etc before a further bust up saw us back in the same place (detail removed by moderator),
This time round I was wary of taking this persons support as I was wary that they truly had an independent lens and I suspected they would rather the relationship was maintained to keep up appearances and the status quo.
What changed? On one occasion when I did need a mediator as I needed to raise some contentious issues, my abuser lost it and became verbally abusive to me in front of my relative. ONly when they saw it first hand did they get it. Since then they have totally changed their view and have been fully supportive of me.
The moral? Even those people who should have your best interests at heart can’t fully appreciate your situation if they are not in it and the can be swayed by their own values. Only you are living it / so don’t allow others to sway you.
And yes – chances are you abuser is on his better behaviour – because if they were horrible all the time we wouldn’t be there. But try stepping out of line and pushing a boundary, see where that gets you! I think when they are being nice (at least in my situation) they mean it in the moment. But that doesn’t mean their huge sense of entitlement goes away. These nice acts just fuels their view that they are so good to you, you should appreciate them more!
On the day we had our final battle over Ek ething trivial, he had fixed my car, bought me a gift and ran me a bath. So how dare I do the trivial thing later that led to the lecture, gas lighting and subsequent end.
He didn’t know (and neither did I) when he was being so nice that it would be our last day together. They turn on a dime so e en when they are being nice you don’t know where you stand x

[Eggshells]

@buddy Maybe your friend is trying to be supportive. One thing I’ve learnt to my detriment is how good our OHs are at disguising what they really are. Even if friends know what’s going on, I don’t think that they can connect with it. You are not overthiking things. If this was just a loveless relationship then I could see that your glass could be half empty. But this is not a loveless relationship it is a dangerous one. That half empty glass has been drunk down to the dregs. He’s trying to top it up with love bombing but eventually he’ll miss the glass and soon it will be empty.

[Headspinning]

Final battle over something trivial that should say!

[YellowBird]

I’m at the stage of moving him out. He’s tried the nicey-nice behaviour, the poor little sad boy puppy eyes, the ‘look, I’m working so hard on our relationship’ attitude. I’m finally at the stage where I don’t believe any of it. I’m now getting the tears of self pity and looks of disbelief when we talk about the practicalities of him moving out. I’m praying there’s no nastiness, but wouldn’t be surprised.
It’s all emotional manipulation. Read up on it, folks and believe it!
Stay strong, take one day or hour at a time, staying strong against the mind games and apparently genuine lovely behaviour.

[Buddy]

I am staying as strong as I can but I hate not being genuine and find it so hard to be fake , but I guess I have to do it , for a bit at least anyway !
Thanks ladies .. hope you are ok Beautifulday x

[Wants To Help]

What is “being all nice”?

One of my ex’s examples of “being all nice” was me coming home from work one day to find he’d prepared a really nice, healthy, low calorie meal and had told me he’d done this because I’d made a comment that my trousers were getting a bit tight. Now this was pre child and I was within my healthy weight range and a size 12. He then told me, very nicely, that he’d looked up a WeightWatchers group in the area and there was one on that night, so after dinner he was going to drive me there. I thought this was really nice and thoughtful. He remained at the back of the room whilst the session took place and drove me home again.

I started WW that night and decided I wanted to lose a stone. My ex helped prepare meals and my lunch for work. Over a few months I lost a stone and actually went under my healthy weight range by a few pounds and went down to a size 10. My ex still thought my thighs were a bit flabby and he suggested liposuction a few times and I could use my savings for this, but I didn’t think they were that bad.

My ex never commented on my weight loss at all, never got angry about it, or abusive, he was nice throughout the whole thing. So why did I ever leave this man?

[Beautifulday]

Spoke too soon So we were sitting watching TV tonight I started talking about something as I wanted him to give me the latest its regarding his family , he went all defensive i was only trying to have a normal adult conversation. At one point he said (detail removed by moderator) I said can you repeat that? He said it again and I asked what he meant he told me I was (detail removed by moderator). It cut me to the core as I’m intelligent, well like yo think I am i did well at school, held down a responsible job since school. It got heated and I kept asking in a normal tone calmly why don’t you just tell me things he replied (detail removed by moderator) again it cut me to the core. Surely a wife is allowed to ask normal questions? I could then see he was getting annoyed and it said (detail removed by moderator) He replied yes and that. I walked off im now sitting in the bathroom crying, i felt so strong the past week and now I’m like this crying into a tissue on a Saturday evening.

[Buddy]

Beautifulday and round and round the cycle goes right ?
I have done what you are doing crying , even crying to the children .. I am not in any position to give advice as I feel I am in same situation as you , but what I can say is , I have stopped crying , I am numb and detached .. I am sure you will get to this point aswell .. I rung WA and spoke to a lovely lady on the phone and she is ringing me again this week .. they book a day and a time with you to chat .. this does help a bit as talking to friends I don’t feel helps as they really don’t understand .. maybe this could be a step forward for you ?
I am taking baby steps .. as much as I can emotionally cope with , with two children , trying to entertain them and function during covid is hard enough without all this from these men .. don’t beat yourself up and take it slow .. I have educated myself , downloaded audio books from the book list on here .. the ladies on here are right .. knowledge is power !!
I am sitting here tonight and we are in the same room and only basic words are being exchanged .. this is what I am thinking to myself right now :
I have given you (detail removed by moderator) years of my life
I have given you 2 beautiful children
I have been a good wife and mother
Yes we have normal marital arguments like everybody but they are blown out of proportion and end up being a bigger thing because you demonstrate domestic violence ( throws things
I work hard and contribute to the family
You have been verbally aggressive
I found that you had googled pristitures on your phone when you were staying in work once and when questioned you said one of your colleagues must have got hold of your phone and you threw a (detail removed by moderator) when I didn’t accept this initially .. I still stayed and stuck by you
You hit my dad (detail removed by moderator) because we were arguing and my dad tried to step in …
I stood by you
You threw me out of the house and locked the front door , then threw the children out with me ( lucky they were too young to understand ) I went to my mums , next day I forgave you
You have damaged so many lovely things that have been bought for the house over the years .. I stay with you
You complain that I don’t clean enough, I am not thoughtful to you enough .. that’s all he has got on me ?? Really compared to what I have been through .. how entitled !!
See how angry I am getting now ?
I am thinking this is part of the realisation ?
We deserve better right ?

[Beautifulday]

Hi Buddy
I have had periods of numbness and not feeling anything then out of the blue I’ll be teary.I have slept tonight 🙁 i have a headache too.
You are right we don’t deserve this.
I’m so glad you called WA Did you call your local branch? I’ve tried the online chat a few times but nevrr managed to get through, I’ve also sent emails in the past but never had any reply:(
I know it sounds stupid but I was building courage to call the advice line, stupid as it may seem I feel like a fraud like i shouldn’t have reason to be calling? I know I’m completely brainwashed. After reading lots of books the past 2 weeks I really felt stronger now feel im back to square one, its like 1 step forward 3 steps back.

When you called the line do you then set up a further call meeting? Just wondering how it works. I may call them Monday , i hope you are doing OK ibe been thinking about you

[Lifebegins]

Hi beautifulday and buddy,

I think everyone who is on this forum is either at or has been at the point where you are now. It’s finally dawned on you that his behaviour is not normal, it’s not that he’s stressed, or you’re not paying him enough attention, or he’s got anger issues or whatever excuse he’s telling you or you’re telling yourself, it’s abuse.

You’re doing the right things. Reaching out on this forum, talking to WA or other agencies. But it’s not going to get any better. From my own experience and what I’ve read on here, it will continue and get worse.

As everyone has said so far, the ‘being nice’ isn’t really being nice. It’s just another means, for now, to get you to do what they want. Possibly they sense you pulling away and they are reeling you back in. Like you I got sucked back in a million times. But now you are aware of what he’s doing.

I didn’t get the chance to do much more than read and share on this forum as things escalated very quickly over a short period and I had to leave with nothing in place for my safety. My red line got crossed when I wasn’t expecting it. Not ideal. In hindsight, I would’ve got support from WA, sought legal advice re: child, housing and finances and a place to live. It would be wise to do this. You don’t have to take action now but there is no harm in being prepared should you need to be.

Friends and family have no comprehension of what you’re being subjected to. People may think ‘you’re being over dramatic, it can’t be that bad, you don’t want to rock the boat, you’ll be breaking up a family’. All the things that you feel guilty about now. But they’re not living it. And our abuser is relying on this guilt to keep us there.

I know all the DV services are stretched at the moment (isn’t that a terrible thing?!) but persevere. There is a chat line service on WA I believe and it might be worth checking your local council website for local support. The ladies on this site also have a wealth of knowledge and experience that you can tap into (I’m a relative newbie and still asking a ton of questions).

We’re all here and thinking of you and supporting you xx

[Buddy]

Beautiful day , I called my local branch .. they set up an appointment for someone to ring me back and I am now speaking to them again on Wednesday ..
I am up and down , it’s draining , same as you I guess .. but you have to reach out
Lots of love x

[Chestnut]

Have been in exactly the position you describe. Everything you thought you knew feels like it is falling apart. You will come out of this, It doesn’t feel nice to disconnect from him but you need to to look after yourself and really see what is happening. I re read one of the books mentioned on here last night and this morn as I was getting worried/questioning myself and it grounded me again. Keep going you can do it x

[Beautifulday]

Hi Lifebegins,
Thank you for your message it is really helpful. I didnt sleep a wink all night, before bed I was quite cold i usually feel the cold a lot my Husband knows this, when i got the bedroom the window was wide open and also the landing it was stormy last night so there was a huge draft and the blinds were blowing.
I said nicely (detail removed by moderator) Don’t even know why i had to say but did.
His reply was (detail removed by moderator) in a stern voice I got into bed shivering. When he had fallen asleep I crept up and closed it but he must have noticed later and heard him get back up to open it wide.
I said (detail removed by moderator) He shouted on top of his voice (detail removed by moderator) im furloughed from a responsible job but he now makes out like im lazy because of this, always its him whos the hard worker or works all hours forgetting that some months I used to work (detail removed by moderator) but I would work extra to pay for our holidays.

Anyway he stormed into spare bedroom ususlly I would follow but I didn’t i stayed put, I got up at (detail removed by moderator) I was out walking i walked for (detail removed by moderator) didnt stop , he hasnt once said sorry or acknowledged what he did last night, im seeing him for what he is.what normal loving husband wants his wife to be cold?

 

[Lifebegins]

Hi Beautifulday

I could’ve wrote what you just wrote. My job was rubbish (I’ve got a pretty good job!), he worked harder than me, in fact he worked harder than anyone on the planet. And he’d go to bed really early and I have to lie in bed, wide awake for hours because he didn’t like the light on and didn’t want me to stay up because I’d wake him up getting into bed. It’s all control. Every little thing. In every aspect of our lives.

I keep saying these guys must have a manual they’re all working from because I keep hearing my story from everyone else.

And you’re right what husband would want their wife to be cold or to be sad or to feel rubbish about themselves because what they’ve said or how they’ve acted. A decent, non abusive husband wouldn’t xx

[Buddy]

The realisation phase , is the worst , as you feel so betrayed .. I have read up a lot on trauma bonding and what makes women stay , (detail removed by moderator)
(Detail removed by moderator) I told him he was like Jekyl and Hyde , he walked out of the house and told me to google what this means .. I didn’t reply but I know exactly what it means, but he genuinely doesn’t think he is ..
he came home from work yesterday after this convo and we are barely talking .. he is busy doing diy and I am keeping as busy as I can ..
I have never understood why people have affairs and are not riddled with guilt .. now I can understand why people do it , when they are not getting what they want from their relationship they look elsewhere ..
Xx

 

[iliketea]

I have to say, this stage is a really great one for getting DIY done @buddy…it’s happening here too. 🙄 I’ve just got that song “Freedom, Freedom, FREEDOM” going round and round my head. X

[Buddy]

Iliketea 🤣 what is the next stage after realisation ? Hope I am not in this stage too long 😬
I am going back to work (detail removed by moderator) , hoping that earning money will make me feel more independent to go onto next stage maybe ..
He is only talking to the children here , yes and no answers too me .. PATHETIC making him feel the victim as I mentioned Jekyl and Hyde obviously is what’s happening !
Nothing else coming out of my mouth now to try and talk .. I have no energy for going around and around in these circles anymore !

[iliketea]

@buddy SAME here! I think we’re the same person!! Seriously! Identical. Zzzzzz isn’t it? And childish. That’s where I’m with it. So done, done, done, done. X

[RedGiraffe]

I’m in the same boat (and have been for a while)… when’s he’s nice it’s perfect! And I’m forever wishing this stage could last – but unfortunately it doesn’t 🙁 I ignored so many signs because of how nice he could be… I kept telling myself the bad wasn’t the real him and that I could help. Turns out the nice was a mask and I couldn’t help. I’m Ok with that now. He’s still under the same roof as me and it does get difficult as since I ended things he’s been almost nothing but perfect! Helps with housework, try’s to be a good parent, try’s to say things nicely… but every now and again he slips and it all comes back on why I’m doing this.

[Headspinning]

@lifebegins !! The going to bed thing!!! Totally!! Mine would bang the ceiling and berate me for being so selfish if I didn’t want to go to bed at same time. It wasn’t even 10pm, I wasnt tired – but I was the selfish one!! Sense of entitlement and importance was through the roof.
And if I had the cheek to check my phone before going to bed how dare I! Obviously he could check his though…I’m sure it would also annoy him if I was actually in bed before him too – he’d find some reason to be irritated and be hard done by because he’s been left to put out lights or whatever. Somewhere along the way I just learned to go to bed at the same time but time it to be 2 minutes behind him. And to check my phone discreetly out of view. Ridiculous!!

[Author]

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