Being believed in (detail removed by moderator)

[Angne]

Hi,

I split with my ex (detail removed by moderator) years ago. He is in a high powered job, he’s really smart and was very manipulative and controlling, he continues to be even out of the relationship. We have a small child together and I have another child from another relationship. Since splitting I’ve really struggled with suicidal thoughts, feeling worthless and low self esteem. My work has been drastically effected. My ex took me to court for custody of our child. (detail removed by moderator) and under the pressure I crumbled and openly sobbed which was so embarrassing. He spoke with clarity and confidence, he lied about me and I felt unable to defend myself. The (detail removed by moderator) report says I was inconsistent while talking (I was so nervous even being in a room with him I was having an ongoing panic attack and was in emotional turmoil.) I’m not here for sympathy or anything – I’m just beginning to feel so angry with the system. I thought it was here to protect us but I feel so let down. Why aren’t judges trained in dealing with people with PTSD and know how to recognise signs of an abuser? I don’t know if I’ve slipped through the cracks of a support system or if there just isn’t one. Handing my small son over to a man who is abusive is an ongoing ordeal that I can’t see any end to. I got out of the relationship but feel like I’m still under his control as now he uses what happened in court as another way to control me and my children. Has anybody else had these problems in court? Can anything be done?

Thanks,

A

[KIP.]

Did you have a solicitor who fought your corner. Supporting letters from GP or medical professionals? I believe women’s Aid have campaigned for screens and video links which are available by law in the criminal courts and should be available in civil courts. Zero contact is they way forward for you. Handover via a third party and text messages via a third party. The disabilities act says you should get help with mental illness which affects your everyday life which PTSD does. I think the help is available if you know where to look and are prepared to shout loudly. He should be ashamed that he drove you to show such emotion. I was terrified in court and the judge recognised that it was him I was terrified of. Contact Rights for Women for free legal advice. I would cut all contact with that man as that’s how he gets his thrills. Watch out for his true colours when he loses that control. My ex had a high powered job which included involvement with courts yet I managed to hold my own. They are bullies and liars no matter what their job their mask always slips x

[Ayanna]

(Removed by moderator). 

You need to find help for dealing with your PTSD.
Therapy would be the best solution.
You will get stronger.
Read books, such as Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft.
Play along with the system and give yourself time to gain strength.
Inform yourself about safeguarding of children, learn the argumentation in the system.
Then you can fight back and get him out of your lives.

[Sunshine]

Hi Angne,
I am potentially going to be in this situ (Detail removed by Moderator). I have been told I will be in the same room as him. He has a non harresment order out so can’t come anywhere near me but (Detail removed by Moderator) I will have to sit beside him and fight for my child. I am also worried I will break down and cry and not be able to hold myself properly. I feel I am now damaged and I did truely love him! I haven’t spoke or seen him since (Detail removed by Moderator). (Detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t need to face him…. now I do and for the most important thing in my life. The system is sooo Very wrong and fathers rights are put before the child. (Detail removed by Moderator) and am no further forward my ex has a drink|drug problem and is crazy when he loses it and still am being (Detail removed by Moderator) because his mother and father are funding it! This system is putting children at risk! You are soo right.
Sunshine x

[Surviving]

My ex is well educated and spoken. I panic and get anxious. (Detail removed by Moderator) I told them 2 out of 3 children don’t see dad because of the abuse and all i want to do is protect my younger child. So she gave him 50 50 shared care of her but accepted the boys didn’t want contact. They don’t protect us and it’s scary. I’ve had to get a non molestation to keep him away from me. It’s hard and most days I struggle to think can I go on but I have to think of my children to keep me strong

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Angne

I hope you will know from others voices here that what you are going thro is very much a shared experience. So disappointly much so and it grossly exascerbates an already awful state to cope with. You are not alone in this. I havent been on here in a very long time and it saddens me greatly to hear women are still experiencing parallel situations to mine with court and child exposure to abuse and refusal to believe mothers over the smooth talking abuser (and even those caught out at it red-handed in court!)

I didnt know it was a lagality now to provide screens but even when I fled the room (unbeknown to me consciously) because of terror of facing him I was still forced into the same room again with him.

I still dont feel believed and I now feel the damage done is permanent. Lost trust and belief that anything can ever be the same again.

It will take huge strength which is sometimes too much to ask in the circumstances, so know you can only do your best even if its not enough its all you can do. Gather every support around you that you can thro friends and family that are 150% rock solid trustworthy for you. As already suggested, doctors and other professionals altho they often seem to be ignored too.

Its very unjust and abusive system still for many as are many charitable supports and benefits and child maintenance service, but its better to know tgis I believe than to turn these experiences in on yourself as I have done.

I wish you and your cherished children well

Warmest wishes

Ks

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