Being blamed

[Belle250]

After months of silence I received something and all it contained was just him blaming me for everything. He was arrested because of outside intervention but to him; I set him up, I destroyed our relationship, I made false accusations to the Police, I lied to his family.
I recently reinstated a messaging app and noticed that all of his friends/family had already blocked me!
I know that he’s told the world that I’m a liar.
What I’m struggling with now is regret for not actually pressing charges… I’m not a vengeful person and I don’t want to become that person but a part of me is annoyed that he hasn’t learnt anything from this.
I guess a small part of me had hoped this would have been rock bottom enough for him to at least take responsibility for his actions but that was me wishing for a miracle.
The truth of the matter is I now know that I’m not the first person he’s done this to – how do his family not see that.
He deserves to be punished and I’m annoyed at myself for not being brave enough to do that because I was scared, I was scared that if he wasn’t found guilty it would have all been for nothing…

[Grey Rock]

Hi Belle.

I think a lot of people get this. I certainly did. My ex’s last breach if his restraining order to contact was exactly this. He will never be mature enough emotional to take responsibility for himself or accept accountability for his actions. I did sign a statement but all the evidence was there in black and white, yet still he can’t see that his actions were his downfall, not me.
His last message was to tell me to never contact him again. Ha. I’m happy enough to grant him that. And yes, I got the same smear campaign against me, along with anyone who tried to argue with him about it. Since then he’s shown his true colours to people in other ways so a lot of people have seen through his lies. The ones that haven’t are collateral damage, and although it makes me sad I have accepted this as the price paid for my freedom. They’ll no doubt learn over time the same as I (and many others) have had to do. If I’d just listened to what others said about him I could have saved myself a lot of pain, but we can’t go back in time. I just have to accept it as an emotionally and financially expensive lesson I suppose.

It hurt a lot at the time, and was very scary, but that pain has lifted with time as my new life without him in it has unfolded. I have every faith that you will find the same.

Sending hugs and prayers.

GR

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness will not overcome. 🙏🕯️🌈🌥️

[Belle250]

Thank you for your kind words and understanding 💜💕💜

[Put the kettle on]

Hi belle250, I could have written a near identical post to yours. You’re not alone. They are incredibly horrible manipulating people. Mines convinced so many that I’m the one that’s done bad things and even has me doubting myself often.
I too didn’t persue the charges after much intervention from him and others. I believed and hoped he could change, I hoped he meant it this time. He didn’t. He won’t change. Sometimes I still wonder if he will but I know he’s still displaying abusive behaviour towards me and others. I felt guilty at the time of his arrest, even though he was responsible for what he did. Yet he still blames me for it all.
You might not see it at the moment but you are brave and strong for getting this far. So many of us don’t press charges, it’s because we care about others, something they’re incapable of

[Belle250]

Thank you for your reply. The most messed up thing is that I wish he would come back and say that he didn’t mean it…! He won’t have anything to do with me and I’ve never felt so rejected and hurt and just broken… It is literally taking everything that I have just to get through each hour of the day. And I don’t know how to fix myself. I’m on medication for depression, anxiety and insomnia but nothing works. I just want peace.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi Belle250,
I think it’s totally normal to feel like that. I wanted mine to say sorry, that he didn’t mean it, he won’t do it again. Guess what, he did say all that but it was all lies. He did it again. So although they might say the words we so long to hear, it’s just empty words. They don’t mean it
I’m sorry to hear you feel rejected and broken. You are going through a really difficult time and it’s ok to feel these things. He won’t fix you though, the only person able to do that is you and it’s not a quick fix. It’s a slow process, so be gentle on yourself. If you want to cry then cry, if you want a day in front of the tv then do it. Now’s your time, your time to heal and rediscover yourself.
You probably won’t believe me right now but I think that one day you will look back and be so grateful he’s not answering your communication however that is.
The longer you have no contact the stronger and better you will feel. It will hurt right now because you care about him and have your history together, but you will start to see little by little how much you can do without him.
Try to look after yourself and focus on you, practice self care, keep up with your meds, keep reaching out and speaking to your GP and domestic abuse helplines. It is really hard, just take it step by step, day by day

[Belle250]

Put the kettle on… thank you so much

[Anonymous]

Hi Belle250,
Just wanted to offer some support. Your feelings of rejection and hurt are probably caused by a trauma bond (Google it for more information) which binds us to our abusers, even if we are aware of all the circumstances. It happens to us all. I am a few months of no contact, have an ongoing police investigation and am well aware of how he behaved and how much damage he did to me, but I still have episodes of missing him, longing for him to contact me and wanting to contact him (I have resisted). It is really hard. It will get easier and any contact puts you back. So keep the no contact.
Abusers always blame others usually the victim. I expect mine to tell the police I am mad and it is, all my fault. I was desperate for him to apologise and accept responsibility. It never happened. Abusers see no fault in themselves.
Do some nice things for yourself. It looks as though you are in touch with your GP. Maybe see if they could refer you to some counselling? Waiting lists are long but may be better in your area. Good luck.

[Belle250]

Hi Marmot,
Reading your response is literally like reading my very own words.
It’s almost scary to see just how similar some of these abusers are, it’s truly shocking.
But it does give me some reassurance to know that it genuinely isn’t me. It’s so easy to think that it’s my fault, I must have brought out the worst in him to act this way. So I’m so grateful for the women who share their experiences and feelings because it really does make me feel like I’m not alone in all of this.
I’m just trying to see it as closure now, he will never take responsibility, his family/friends have all blocked me and I know he has a history so I’m working with people who are essentially trying to help me build back my confidence and help me to understand that he was in the wrong.

I hope that you get the outcome that you are looking for.
Take good care and good luck to you also xx

[Author]

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