Being called ‘over sensitive’ and ‘always the victim’ – is that typical?

[Waving not drowning]

Hi everyone

It occurred to me that my husband uses victim blaming to justify his behaviours. Once he has finished verbally abusing me he then notches it up and says things about not everything being a personal attack on me (even when it was a blatant and clear personal attack on me) and that I love being the victim.

My question is I guess, is this typical in abuse situations? I think I’m still wrestling with acceptance this all abuse and it’s not me being an over sensitive s****y wife…

[Watersprite]

Yes – this is typical abuser behaviour. It’s gas lighting and crazy making keeps us trapped and in fog Fear Obligation Guilt. You are here on a forum for domestic abuse….. it means deep down you know but perhaps you are not quite ready to own it and that is normal too it’s part of a process. It may help to read up on trauma bonds and emotional abuse. Ask yourself if his behaviour is how the best man you know would treat his partner? My guess is no. Start looking at his behaviour like a critical outsider – it gave me clarity. Take care – baby steps x

[Bananaboat]

Yes unfortunately it is very typical. When it stopped working on me my ex started talking about other ppl he knew or in a generic way about the exact same things, which took away my ability to say I’m not those things but he was always saying them as digging at me, Or they play the victim is another, sudden illness or threats of suicide so you’ll stay and care for them.

[Eggshells]

Yes, it’s normal. He will blame everything on you including the choices he makes to abuse you. If he can make you believe that you are being over sensitive, playing the victim, whining, etc, then you are less likely to answer back and argue next time. He is trying to silence you. That way he can continue to abuse you, unhindered.

[Hereforhelp]

Yes this is abuse, gaslighting makes us feel crazy, your husband is keeping you in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt, it is a cycle, worth googling). Keep writing incidents down in a diary/journal, it really helped me see my husband’s patterns of abuse… financial, emotional, physically intimidate me puffing up and punching objects, he went on to do the whole victim story to cover his tracks and to pull me back in. It worked a couple of times, I manages to separate on the 3rd attempt.
If you can maybe contact your local Womans Aid, read up on DA, watch pod casts on DA (Dr Ramani is good).
Sending love and strength ❤

[Twisted Sister]

if he’s not giving you answers that make sense, its him, not you…

[Angelicdev]

Thus was so helpful I also doubt that i am incorrect as a wife. He said (detail removed by moderator). Thing is he’s so likeable, more than me to the outside world. Which makes me think uts more me. Would another woman not push him to do things.

[redred]

Oh I get eye rolling if I try to say he’s being hurtful. And I’ve also had things like (detail removed by Moderator) just makes you feel powerless to speak up doesn’t it

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately yep! It’s very typical and I’m so sorry you had to endure it too. My ex’s go to would be “here we go again – you make everything about you” after a horribly critical attack. Usually followed by a take down of my flaws… and then how I need to focus back on him and his needs.

So yes – a way to keep you on the back foot and maintain control over your self perception and flip the narrative.

Figured out almost anything he accused me of was pure projection. Indeed turned out everything was almost always about him

[Author]

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