Viewing 5 reply threads
  • Author
    • #142983
      Waving not drowning

      Hi everyone

      It occurred to me that my husband uses victim blaming to justify his behaviours. Once he has finished verbally abusing me he then notches it up and says things about not everything being a personal attack on me (even when it was a blatant and clear personal attack on me) and that I love being the victim.

      My question is I guess, is this typical in abuse situations? I think I’m still wrestling with acceptance this all abuse and it’s not me being an over sensitive s****y wife…

    • #142987

      Yes – this is typical abuser behaviour. It’s gas lighting and crazy making keeps us trapped and in fog Fear Obligation Guilt. You are here on a forum for domestic abuse….. it means deep down you know but perhaps you are not quite ready to own it and that is normal too it’s part of a process. It may help to read up on trauma bonds and emotional abuse. Ask yourself if his behaviour is how the best man you know would treat his partner? My guess is no. Start looking at his behaviour like a critical outsider – it gave me clarity. Take care – baby steps x

    • #143004

      Yes unfortunately it is very typical. When it stopped working on me my ex started talking about other ppl he knew or in a generic way about the exact same things, which took away my ability to say I’m not those things but he was always saying them as digging at me, Or they play the victim is another, sudden illness or threats of suicide so you’ll stay and care for them.

    • #143005

      Yes, it’s normal. He will blame everything on you including the choices he makes to abuse you. If he can make you believe that you are being over sensitive, playing the victim, whining, etc, then you are less likely to answer back and argue next time. He is trying to silence you. That way he can continue to abuse you, unhindered.

    • #143006

      Yes this is abuse, gaslighting makes us feel crazy, your husband is keeping you in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt, it is a cycle, worth googling). Keep writing incidents down in a diary/journal, it really helped me see my husband’s patterns of abuse… financial, emotional, physically intimidate me puffing up and punching objects, he went on to do the whole victim story to cover his tracks and to pull me back in. It worked a couple of times, I manages to separate on the 3rd attempt.
      If you can maybe contact your local Womans Aid, read up on DA, watch pod casts on DA (Dr Ramani is good).
      Sending love and strength ❤

    • #143011
      Twisted Sister

      if he’s not giving you answers that make sense, its him, not you…

Viewing 5 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs


Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content