Being controlled but unable to resist

[Need2Vent]

I’m married to a man with known mental issues, so I’ve tried to allow for that but it turns out always to be at my own expense emotionally (and physically). The thing that brought me to this forum (with a need-to-vent as my profile indicates) is his need to control everything and me in particular, so that there’s hardly anything I can say or do without running into trouble.

(detail removed by Moderator) because he HAS to do and buy some things obsessively, I objected to an item he feels he needs to buy every week, and it set him off. He can be very nasty – verbally, not physically thank God – but it hurts me so badly.

I just walk away. I have to, there’s nothing I can say or do at that point. I muttered “(detail removed by Moderator)” and he shouted “(detail removed by Moderator)” as I left the room. But the effect it has on me worries me. I have grown more and more sad, incapable of real life, hopeless, crying inside without showing it — I guess you know what I’m talking about.

And at those times I VOW to myself, I will never open my mouth again, stop trying to help him, stop correcting his stupid mistakes in life, stop running around looking after him, stop sharing myself only to be put down… that feeling lasts for a few hours and despite anything that I think, I always go back to “looking after him” because I feel sorry for him.

I haven’t come here looking for answers, but (I guess) understanding. Yesterday I was trying to imagine what it feels like to be loved, but apart from God I haven’t ever been loved, not even by my parents. My husband says he loves me – he means, he’s grateful that I stick around because nobody else in his life could put up with him.

But it doesn’t stop him continually flirting with and “falling in love” with women online because he needs the constant attention.

Anyway, that’s my post.

[gettingtired]

Hello, I’m very sorry to read your story. I know what it’s like to feel never truly loved by a parent and now to discover actually my partner simply controls me which I’ve since discovered is not love.
Have you any support from women’s aid or your local domestic abuse service? The main thing is you’re here on the forum with many others who understand and can validate your experience.
Your husband is toxic and it sounds like you probably already know this. Any mental health issues are no excuse for abuse. I’m in the same position as you, feeling sorry for my partner for various things but unfortunately feeling sorry for them will not stop the abuse.
Know that you are worthy of being loved and your feelings matter. It doesn’t matter that your husband hasn’t been physical, emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad and if not worse in some cases as it can have such long lasting effects.
Please do keep posting on the forum for support. We are all here for one another x

[Need2Vent]

Hi, thanks for your comments. I’m not in a position to get help apart from a forum like this as everything I do and say would be observed – we are both at home all day. Over the years I have had short periods of counselling for mental health but it was useless. But it’s okay. Most days I can manage. I have gradually over the years accustomed myself to what life is like, and the really bad days are fewer now.

[Pinkvelvet]

Hello lovely, sorry to read what you’re going through. My situation was very similar, mental health problems and it’s very hard not to excuse the behaviour and feel sorry for them, and just want to do everything in your power to help them get through it. I felt like I’d given my soul away to help him and found my mental health went completely south to the point I literally could no longer function being in the relationship, because I’d neglected myself in an effort to save him. And it didn’t work. Every little thing I did was wrong, everything was my fault, and if he hurt himself the threats were that that would be my fault, too. I was getting into bed in the middle of the day and staying there just out of fear and depression and emotional exhaustion.
When they apologise and cry it’s hard not to forgive and you think life must be so tough for them to behave this way.
But he won’t be feeling sorry for you, and what you’re being put through because of his behaviour and actions.
Eventually I somehow managed to leave the relationship, I still don’t know how it happened because it all feels like such a blur. I hope things improve for you, I hope you might be able to leave or at the very least, find comfort here in this forum to help you when you’re feeling low. It’s really helped me and has been an endless support – I only wish I’d found it sooner!
Take care of yourself.

[Ariadne]

Hello Need2Vent,

It’s already great that you are writing about your situation here, and getting the support you need.
It is really difficult to endure verbal abuse, so don’t minimise it. The scars of that stick with you maybe far longer than physical abuse.
I also know how difficult it is dealing with someone that has mental health issues, and you’re not sure if the abuse comes from that or not, or that you should be more patient or this or that so you don’t trigger them. But so many people endure mental health issues and don’t behave like that. And it’s no excuse for him to cause you mental health issues of your own.

Please protect yourself, and keep venting xx

[Need2Vent]

Thank you SO much for your comments, and you are right (because you have lived it too).

I think one of my biggest fears or regrets is that over the years, in order to survive, I’ve crushed down any feeling or response – to the point of not even being able to remember what was said yesterday – but I know that has caused a LOT of emotional harm to me.

But if the alternative is just to make things a hundred times worse then silence and pushing it down into my subconscious is the only method of functionning in life at all.

[nbumblebee]

Ypur point about crushing things down over the years actually hit me in the face. I do this i forget things so quickly its not until my counsellor pushes me that i remember oh gisg he said this he did that things that to me arent bad are actually normal but thing she often says are horrible, we can so easily see the pain in others but not in ourselves.
I dont have much knowledge with mental health issues my husband is just an arse but i do know that there is no excuse none in the world that can be used to forgive or explain away such nasty behaviour.
Keep talking keep reading leaening and keep safe xxxxx

[Ariadne]

Hi, Need2Vent
I totally understand! You’re left feeling numb after a while, not just in those moments, but overall. And that’s a tough place to climb out of. I would say at least keep a record of your own of those moments. Not just so you don’t forget them or are gaslighted about them, but also so that when you feel like you’re ready to process them, you can go back and read them.
You (and all of us) deserve to feel again, to have our truth and voices heard. And once you are able to have that again, it’ll hopefully be so difficult to give up again.
Take care <3

[Darknessallaround]

I thought it was just me…. bad memory, forgetful, stupid. I have to write important things down otherwise I can’t remember them.

Then because of the memory issues I start to doubt what happened, what was said. If he denies it, that just makes the doubt worse. When I read back through my notes I’m shocked at how much I’ve blanked out.

[diymum@1]

Hi there 👋

Do you have spare time to read ? Educating yourself on what he is doing. I personally think reading why does he do that might jolt you back into reality and realisation. I’m so worried I’m going to come across in the wrong way because realisation can be a very long process. I’m at the very end of this process after (detail removed by moderator) years yes ! And (detail removed by moderator) years out I’m glad to say. My situation was similar he had ‘MH’ problems 🤨 I believed this for a very long time until (detail removed by moderator). He did the same with the women played me off for the attention. Your senario actually sounds identical to my own xx I’d start first bu learning about (detail removed by moderator) xx itvwill leave your eyes wide open xx It may lead you to a better and more fulfilling life xx I send my support and a hug 🤗 diymum

[Need2Vent]

I want to thank you ALL for the useful comments. I haven’t come back often because even this forum opens the wounds too much to bear, BUT, I came to share (on another thread) today because of ongoing problems.

But over the years I have come away from my intense first love [and pain and disappointment] and kind of shrugged my shoulders and put it all aside, in an attempt to get through each day. I think probably that is the only healthy thing I can do.

I DO write things down, yes, but not as much as I used to.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry to read about your situation but if I’ve learned anything it’s that the “bond” you have can be broken with self care and strength. People like that that need to feed off someone’s kindness actually have amazing resilience when it comes down to it. You deserve love and care and you can provide it for yourself. The loneliest I have ever been in my life is not when I was single and alone but in a relationship with a similar person. Their needs must be met and they always will be met somehow by someone. Take your time. Gather yourself, find the strength to take a step towards better times, you will need more resilience than you will think but it can be done. I’m years free and keep on keeping on. In time you won’t look back. The “bond” is so powerful and strong but just you sharing this I know you know what’s right. It takes such a strong person to deal with this daily and you can turn that strength inwards. I wish you love and peace xx

[Author]

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