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After a month of not seeing each other and the police being involved, we got back together. My life went back to absolute hell, feeling suicidal, insecure, panic attacks even though he isn’t physically violent anymore. Yet now I’ve lost my life again, he seems to be bored of me and is constantly meeting up with other girls, telling me I’m paranoid for feeling hurt by this. It was our last night together for a long period because he needs to go away for work, and he spent the whole night away with another girl and didn’t come back until midnight. When I said I found this hurtful, he just said I wasn’t his partner anyway because I have a police case against him. It’s so painful that after everything, going through so many police testimonies, nothing has happened for him and his life is on the up, whilst I struggle to find a reason to live, and even him – after I forgave him – now doesn’t want me anymore.
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Any contact with him is toxic to you. Not only do you accept it, however painful, you embrace it. He is actually doing you a favour. Although I suspect he will always try to keep you hooked in and is probably doing the same to these other women. The best thing you can do is block him in every way and report any contact to the police. He is trying to make you feel guilty for reporting him when the guilt is all his. If he hadn’t hurt you and broken the law in the first place he would never have been arrested. Zero contact is how you have the time and space to make sense of this trauma bonding x
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It’s like a drug addiction. It feels retched at first and like you can’t survive without them, but it’s not true. They condition us to feel like this, but once we got ‘cold turkey’, after it initially being very tough it does get better. So, so, sooooo much better. And then you heal and wonder what on earth you saw in them. And there are extremely useful life lessons to come from it about what it was that attracted you in the first place, which you can heal so that it doesn’t happen again with someone else toxic.
The truth is he is not a good person and is toxic to you, just like a drug. Right now you can’t see it as you’re in the fog, but time away from him will help you start to see it clearly. You’re a good person and you will heal, survive and thrive away from him. He has and continues to treat you appallingly, you are quite right that him disappearing off to meet other women is totally unacceptable, awful behaviour but he is trying to normalise it to lower your expectations. It’s a common abuse tactic.
You are a valuable human being and deserve so much more. You just have to get away from him so that you can start to see that.
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It s so difficult. I thought I had gotten better but I keep believing him. He says he told a friend about the abuse and the police and that she was asking him if HE was okay. Him! Instead of me. He keeps saying two people create a toxic environment, not just one. That I am just as responsible. Am I wrong? Am I responsible ?
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You did nothing wrong at all lovely. It can be so angering and crazy making when they b******t. She is saying that because he is twisting everything and he is a liar. Have you read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men? Really great insights into the abusive mindset.
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My partner says this to me; that we are “arguing”. In reality,he is abusing me and I am trying to defend myself. It’s just another one of their tactics to bring us down.
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He is treating you disgustingly. Like dirt on his shoe. However, even though he enjoys treating you this way, he also wants control of you so like another poster said, he might not actually want to dump you, but is enjoying his power over your emotional state. This is toxic.
It’s what he is doing that is extremely toxic and dangerous to your mental and emotional well-being long-term.Another power toxin is the belief in his explanations and plausible lies and Hollow words to convince you you are wrong and only he is right.
You know him, we don’t, but it so important for you to hear words from outside, have external input from others who have no reason other than your safety and well-being as the focus of their support.
You need to save yourself, as he clearly will not.
Take care of yourself and do keep talking here and wherever else you can get strength for yourself.
Warmest wishes. Ts x
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Thank you all for your support. It’s so hard because I feel like I can’t reach out to friends about it anymore – they are sick of listening to it and nothing changing and me going back to him. But the minute they stop speaking to me, the more I get sucked into his narrative. Luckily he is away for a while now, but he still manages to exhaust me by making me do the things he wants me to do. I still don’t feel like I can make my own decisions about what I do with my life. (Detail removed by Moderator) because he still feels like whatever he did was only as bad as ‘what I did to him’. I just want it to be over so I can start being with people who actually care about me, and not someone who is toxic and horrible whenever they want to be.
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You need to go no contact. It’s much easier to maintain your grip on reality (which is what your friends are trying to help you to do) when you are not being actively brainwashed. Abusers use all sort of psychological tricks to make us feel that we are going mad or overreacting. Gaslighting was my abusers favourite. He would pretend things I remembered hadn’t happened or that I had misremembered how they had happened. He also minimised the things he did which hurt me – he was only playing and didn’t mean it, he hadn’t hit me hard, it was just in fun, I couldn’t take a joke, he only told me that I looked bad because he cared about me and didn’t want people judging me on my clothing choice…
Then there is mirroring, where your abuser accuses you of the very thing they are doing. It sounds like your abuser uses this one a lot. You tell your partner that something they do is upsetting, and then they tell you that you do the same thing. If they are smart (and usually they are) they will come up with a single instance where you did the bad thing – my ex once threw every item from a suitcase at me, one by one until I snapped and threw a pillow at him. Whenever I accused him of being violent towards me he would say I was abusive because of that single incident. Or if I asked him to stop undermining me he would tell me that I was always undermining him. You spend so long analysing your own behaviour that you forget that their behaviour is infinitely worse.
Once he can no longer manipulate you it will take time to excise the thought patterns that he has taught you – you aren’t good enough, you deserved his treatment, you are unlovable and lucky to have him, etc etc. But you can learn to recognise his voice in your head and tell it no, this is untrue. I do not believe this. Because it is untrue. You are not a bad person. You are lovable. You did not deserve anything that happened to you, and meeting his was one of the most unlucky things that ever happened to you.
Starting a list of untrue things really helped me. I wrote down all the things that he told me which were untrue. It helped me fall out of love, and also to challenge myself when I started believing his lies again.
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Can someone please tell me if I’m going insane?
My ex doesn’t want us to get back together but he does still want to sleep with me. He is still taking and asking my money. He says he still loves me and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, but goes out every night and texts me at 3am and I have no idea who he is with or what he is up to. Then today he brings up a new sex thing he says he’d like to try. I say I’d be happy to if it makes him happy. Then he says he might not want to because he doesn’t feel like he can trust me. I say I completely understand that and would never push him, whatever he feels comfortable with. Then all of a sudden he says: (Detail removed by Moderator)
I got very upset because I said that to me that sounds like he wants to sleep with other people. Now or in the future. So I asked him whether he understood how painful and confusing that statement was and he just got so so angry with me. Really viciously telling me that I make everything about me, that I always make myself the victim. And I am so confused. Is this just him still abusing me or am I really out of line?
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He is abusing you and getting a huge thrill from it. My abuser just used to make things up and go angry and aggressive with me just to see me frightened and cowering. It gave him a huge sense of power and control. Abusers are parasites and he thrives on your confusion and distress. This post started as him dumping you. Now he’s using you for money and sex and you’re not even together and he brings in other women to hurt and confuse you and then abuses you for it. The only way for you to break free is zero contact.
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This is serious levels of abuse. He is getting a huge kick out of hurting and manipulating you. He is trying to convince you that you are the mad one, but you aren’t. He is treating you awfully and blowing hot and cold just to keep you hooked and supplying him with sex, money and a feeling of power. Please get some real world support to cut him completely out of your life. Only then will you stop feeling like you are going mad. Start by calling the helpline number. They should then be able to point you in the direction of other resources.
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Hi. Its not worth waiting around for him to take any responsibility for his behaviour in his relationship with you. Its easy to say ‘i love you’ but actions speak louder than words. It just sounds like typical abusive behaviour. Misuse you, tell you he loves you, but behave in a way that hurts you and doesn’t accept any responsibility for it and, in fact, claims you’re just as bad. He’s probably this way with anyone else when it suits him. I doubt he sees it that you’ve forgiven him, more that you’ve exposed him. What if he got back together with you because he wanted to cover up his behaviour and show people that he couldn’t have been that bad because you’re now back together only for him to then leave you because he actually doesnt mean a thing he says. Is his life on the up? What a shallow life he’s really leading though, behaving the way he does, hurting the people who care about him, letting you think he still cares but behaving in every way to show you that he thinks you’re worthless. Of course he’s going to tell you how people support him and see it from his side. He’s not going to let you feel good about yourself. He’s an abusive person and they don’t behave like that unless its part of an agenda to reel you back in and abuse you some more. I found out that my daughter’s father was seeing other women while we were engaged and after our child was born. He has never acknowledged it even though I know it. He doesn’t think I have any right to an equal relationship, thats his problem. One standard for him, and another for me. If i complained, I would be being unreasonable, irrational and he would ‘leave me’ for someone less jealous. I actually wasnt jealous but when you have a child you want a stable environment. But can you see how he turned the truth on its head and confused the issue by making his irresponsible and deceitful behaviour be about my ‘jealousy’? That’s what they do, turn it on its head and project back onto you. Another thing, he threatened me relentlessly for several years refusing to make a financial contribution towards his daughter’s upbringing and his reason? He claimed that I was bad with money because I was always broke. I was always broke because I had had to give up working to raise my daughter and because he, who was working, refused to contribute financially. I’m just trying to give examples of how an abusive person can twist the truth to cover their own back. Is it really worth your precious time wrestling with his mentality?
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Feeling at the lowest of lows. He refuses to tell me whether or not he’s slept with someone else because it’s not my right to know “because we’re not together”. I feel so heartbroken. How can someone say they’re in love with you whilst being with someone else. How is that possible. I just can’t even breathe anymore. After everything I forgave him and waited for him and then just this. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.
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