Being nice

[Iwantmeback]

It certainly makes thinking of leaving our relationships, I wouldn’t say harder, but it’s definately a barrier.
I’m still putting into place things that will help me if
I have to walk out and get to the point of no return.
I don’t like being sneaky or lying.i worry I will be that type of person away from him, because I’ve had to be for so long. If I stay I know I’ll never have any kind of relationship with my children and grandson, if i stay I can’t be spontaneously happy, just up and go and meet a friend in need or for a coffee with someone, without being accused of putting others before him. I can’t even decorate the house, it’s all about what he likes, it doesn’t matter that I like what he chooses, it’s the point that I’m not allowed to express what I like. Which I’ve allowed by agreeing that what he chooses was lovely. He manages to convince me when he’s picking something that he’s buying it for my benefit, even when i tell him the item isn’t suitable for what he’s buying it for. Then when it comes I’m ungrateful, he’s wasted money yet again, I’ve to return it cause he’s not got time.
Even when they’re being nice, you know the nasty them is just under the surface waiting on an excuse to rise up. Every time I’ve let my guard down, every time, it’s not taken long fir the verbal, psychological abuse to begin all over again.
Now I’m accused of being cold, distant, not loving him. But I know if I cuddle up on the couch, I know if I let him kiss me, that’s when the monster will appear again. So I’m keeping my distance,I’m being cold, that’s the only time mr nice is around. I’m biding my time, we’re good at that aren’t we ladies?
I’m craving love, I’m craving us, but not as much as I did. I am 💪.
IWMB 💕💕

[Halfwayout]

I totally get the craving love feeling or even just a hug but you know that affection is a one way street and is never reciprocated.
The sneaking and lying, whats worse lying to him(he’s probably the worlds worst) friends or to yourself? As you’ve probably been lying to yourself for years, I’ve only got to know my true self these last couple of years as I’ve trusted my instincts, got stronger and confining in close friends made me happier in telling the truth. The times I’ve felt guilty in cancelling events and coffees as I knew he wouldn’t like it or if he did he would take off in the car just as I would leave or if I did go  I would then be accused of having an affair with them, male or female. How many times have you kicked yourself for letting him in again?
I’ve made it a point all through this sorry state of separation that I would never stoop to his level, (only once I have😇) Gaining the confidence makes such a difference and true friends have made me see that. I always asked myself “do I want to live like this for the rest of my life”? Keep plotting, as your name says I want me back. 💕

[Iwantmeback]

Thank you @Halfwayout, every single person who takes the time to reply to one of us, it gives us the belief that we’re worthwhile, we are validated.
You’re so right, I have been lying to myself for years, lying to family and friends, workmates. I’m not doing that anymore, if I’m asked how’s things I’ll tell them. I talk about DA to anyone who’ll listen, I’m trying to educate as many people as I can. Once I’m out, the world will be my oyster once again😊 I too have been accused of having affairs with both sexes!! What am I, a sexual magnet fir every person in the world😃😃 I cancelled so many things with friends or made excuses to leave early so he wouldn’t feel bad or lonely, only fir him to say, what you home early for! I’ve been given the silent treatment, or expected to perform cos he allowed me out,(said as I joke when ive pulled him up) I’ve stooped to his level a few times over the years, not proud of it, but it is what it is. I have lost touch with a lot of good friends,not because of him, who I know would rekindle friendships,but i can’t while with him, because he’d find fault with them, make me SEE how they’re only using me or are bad influences. Or wonder why I’m reconnecting in the first place😉
He has broken my heart into a million pieces, he’s made me feel fat, ugly, worthless, criticises my cooking, makes jokes at my expense, yet when he’s after sex/ during sex I’m this amazing sexy beast,. Why does sex play such a big part with abusive people??
Take care lovely
IWMB 💕💕

[Halfwayout]

 kind to yourself IWMB, we are worthwhile, you will have high and lows, my life was so bad I got an adrenaline rush from just going walking with a friend, I thought I could conquer the world and then I got home to (Detail removed by Moderator), its like they sense your high and cut your feet, (Detail removed by Moderator), only joking,humour my coping mechanism.

The sex thing?  it’s control and its his against you, my OH had three against me, sex, money and my family, the majority I read on here its their kids because we care. I waited until my two were of adult age, unfortunately these last few months they are seeing their father for who he really is, he’s playing them and I hate it. They are both struggling.
See educating people on DA?, I’ve struggled, there are only a few who get it, and that’s been so tough,pick your friends wisely, thankfully on here its easy, unconditional.
Hopefully we all don’t hit a low together.
Think about you, want you want? Self love is SO important, really! (Detail removed by Moderator) ago the thought of moving on with two students to support scared the c**p out of me but now, bring it on, by the time I get there they’ll be supporting me. 😁
What makes you happy? the signs will come at the right time.😉💕

[Iwantmeback]

It’s definately sex and family and the dogs with mine. Financial to a point, I’m always in overdraft, he’s not. This is the first year I’ve paid the council tax and not defaulted at all.
Humour is definately a coping mechanism as it’s also a defence mechanism that i found out one evening😌
As my two are grown up they’re not around him now, but I’m having memories of how he was with them,I see how my son is unable to have relationships, has no self esteem, is so angry and that’s down to (Detail removed by Moderator)😡
Even though we’re not at it hammer and tongs, my brain can’t switch off what he’s done and how he’s treated me and mine.
The violence to my dogs is unbearable at times, but I’ve learned through consequences to shut up and say nothing, what type of person does that make me.
I know what you mean about choosing who to talk to re DA, it’s usually women but I find even some of those don’t get it either,😓 one day we’ll break down the walls and strip the blinkers from those who will not see.
Thank you for your kind words, there’s so much optimism in them.

IWMB 💕💕

[Liquorice]

Ladies,this post rings true so much,so may things you have each talked about i could have written myself,the sex, the fault with my friends, the dogs, but mostly the lying, it makes me feel im just like him, we are both hiding what our at home life is like to the outside world, to all our friends and family, how can i ever say he is the one the wrong when im a liar too?

[Iwantmeback]

Hi liquorice, the difference is he lies to abuse us, we lie to protect him, we lie through shame when it should be him who is ashamed. We live through fear. You are nothing like him.
Are you okay love, stupid question, of course your not.
Can we help with anything?
IWMB 💕💕

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Iwantmeback and halfwayout, Wow what you are talking about with friends socialising happened I relate to almost word for word. I got so isolated. Thank god a few people stuck by me from afar and once I broke the silence they were there.
Only when he attacked me I told my friend and she said no this has to stop and pushed me to get out. I said I am sorry I lied to you and my life is a lie.
But we aren’t liars we are survivors, and we have done the best we could at that time.
We have been highly manipulated.
IWMB soon you will be able to go and you will be free. You can see your children again, and laugh and play and read books with your grandchild.
Even on the bad days you can focus on yourself instead of having your radar out checking the mood he is in, or having to deal with his comments and demands.
You sound so caring and witty and a thinker, you are still strong and once you are away from him you will regain your self. xx
I am sorry to hear about your dogs ladies .Thats bad. i notice our cat is nice and chilled these days, he was nice to her at times but I think he probably yelled at her or scared her somehow just like he was with us I suppose.

[Liquorice]

IWMB, the shame is very hard, i find reaching out to services hard because i am ashamed of everything, what ive said, what ive done,what i let happen, everything xx

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