Believing you deserve things

[Serenity]

Being in a relationship with a controlling and selfish manipulator really affects your sense of self.

When I met my ex-husband, I knew who I was – what I loved, what my values and priorities were.

I was ‘just me.’ I never questioned that I had the right to my own mind, or to follow my dreams.

The abuse escalated. So whereas in the earliest days, we went on a few holidays abroad- which I organised- over time, he stopped us from doing that.

Now I know it was because his priority was to stash money away. But what he began to do was deny me things- by making me feel I was ‘greedy’ to want them. Even though I only bought discount things.

So, for example, I would work all the hours God sends, but if I dared to suggest a family holiday abroad, I was made to feel indulgent. My priority was for my kids to experience different things: I had travelled a lot when I was younger, and I wanted them to travel too.

Of course, he made me feel eventually that I wasn’t entitled to the most basic things: bathing ( god forbid I heat the water), nice clothes or even keeping any of my own earnings.

Sometimes, I still struggle with the after-effects of the abuse. My rational mind tells me that of course, if I work hard, I should be able to enjoy a few things- that he just tried to make me 100% sacrificial- but my post-abuse emotions and residue of being brainwashed means I sometimes go into automatic mode of thinking I am greedy to want anything nice at all.

Does anyone else struggle with believing that they deserve positive things?!

[Ayanna]

I can say that I never even once thought that I did deserve anything that I experienced.

Although I was abused as a child, even at a very young age, I had an inbuilt knowledge that told me how wrong the abuse was that I experienced and even then I did not think that I deserved it.
I developed resistance towards my abusive parents.
I hid it of course, but it kept me going until I could flee my parental home at (detail removed by moderator).

Later on I fell for abusers, but at some point I got out every time.

I always had the inbuilt knowledge that I did not deserve abuse. I only could not recognise it, I could not recognise the warning signs. I only noticed it when it was already severe.

Now I am different. I smell abuse. Only a few words from a person are enough for me to know.

Whilst in abusive relationships I adapted to the demands of the abuser in order to not upset him. But I hated the adaptations. At some point I had enough and got out.

My last marriage was the worst situation. I knew that I had to get out and could not for a long time, until it was almost too late.
Then I got out and the courts and other organisations harrassed me and persecuted me.

I knew all the time that they were all wrong and I resisted them and never gave in, no matter how exhausted I was.

The racism and hatred of immigrants is a factor that contributed to the institutionalized abuse that I suffered after fleeing.

(detail removed by moderator)

[fridges]

Hello Serenity and Ayanna,
Since childhood I had a strange feeling inside me, that my life would be different from all people around me. Despite extreme poverty and constant fights at home, drunk, abusive stepfather. I was convincing myself that I will change my situation, that I will become a beautiful, educated woman. For me it was a long process to come to terms with my body and at least feel a bit more secure in myself.
Often men can convince you to belittle your demands, belittle your desires and wishes in life, and make you feel like you deserve nothing at all, just because they are having nothing to offer for you.
Like in my case… This old man, what he had to offer? Nothing, he knew that the woman like me should never be with him if I would be healthy from the scars of previous abuse. He sensed where to press it. He knew he can have me around only my destroying me and any strength in me, so I will not value myself, that I deserve more than the old f**t.
Men want to belittle your standards, your desires for life, so they do not need work hard for this, so they can give very little or nothing at all and TAKE VERY MUCH!
When other women look at me, they would never believe, how this woman could have been letting to be so abused?
They think, it is impossible.

I never forget how he made me to wear a such ugly coat – of the colour of the dogs poo, it was vintage. It is beyond the words, how ugly it was, shapeless, far too big for me, it made me look not mid twenty in this coat, but even at 60/70 you will not wear this.
Shouting at me, look at your fat body, you need to cover your ugliness.
Why he was doing this? As he knew I’m young, other men are looking at me.
Convincing me that no one ever will be with me apart him, he is the best what i could get in life.
And there were a point of my life, when I truly started to believe that he is the best shot what I will get in my life time.

IT IS NOT TRUE!!!!
The first thing I did – I throw out all the clothes what he forced me to wear. All the ugly vintage second hand.
And it was a such relief for me.

There will be someone else in my life, and this person will value me. But first I need to value myself! Not to let men walk over me the way they want.

And you have to have the believe and take time to heal, I do the work on myself, as I want to heal inside. I know I can not be like normal women, I will have things hunting me. But I want to take a control of it.

[Author]

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