Belongings

[Peaceful Pig]

My children and I have recently been reunited with our belongings after a very long time. In some ways it is good to have some history returned, it’s made us feel less adrift and lost somehow. We feel bit more real and whole again, put back together a bit. We spent an evening looking through it all, photos, baby momentos etc. But ever since then I’ve gone further downhill. That was the night I hurt myself for the first time in ages. I saw a photo of me as a young mum looking very sweet, kind and natural yet around me were my parents and my ex would have been taking the picture. I was surrounded by people abusing me, I was going along with it all, trapped and trying so hard to please them all. But the worst was my wedding dress. It has brought back such a clear memory of that night. It’s a beautiful dress, it is laced up the back. He rejected me saying he couldn’t be bothered to help me undo it, he was tired, drunk. So I went to sleep in it. I woke up to him having sex with me. I think this was the first time this happened. I now feel tormented by the image of me so young and vulnerable and him taking some sick pleasure from raping me in that dress. I feel that he planned it. Of course I now know that he was controlling and manipulating me from word go, but I feel so utterly sad that married life started, and continued, this way. The next morning I felt such a sinking feeling of ‘what have I done?’ but I squashed it all down. I didn’t think I could manage without him and I needed to escape my parents. I’ve been cleaning obsessively since, even though I’m exhausted. I’ve started to be troubled by bad thoughts about myself in a way I haven’t for a long time now. I’m a bit worried about myself. People say I need to burn the dress or give it away but I feel strangely attached to it, I have a weird urge to hug it as though the girl I was is still there inside it. I think I may be going slightly crazy. I know things are so much better. I’ve come so far and can’t give up now. I have much to be grateful for. I want to tell people how sad I am but then I can’t bring myself to. I’m struggling to write this, maybe I shouldn’t. I feel like hiding away so I can clean in peace. I’m sorry for the long miserable post. I just needed to let it out. Thank you for listening x

[Serenity]

Hi PP,

You’re not going crazy. My wedding dress is still in my cupboard. Somehow, I can’t get rid of it. It symbolises a time when I had hope for the relationship- but then, like you, my wedding night was also abusive. Still, we have great ambivalence towards this day, don’t we? A wedding day is meant to be so important.

I think I hold on to my dress because it symbolises a time before I was completely worn down by him, before the years of abuse took its toll. There was still some kind of hope, naivety.

You want to cuddle the dress because you want to cuddle the younger you- the new mum starting out, the bride, the one who was oblivious to the abuse, or that it was abuse. Knowledge and understanding of our situations is sad in a way, in that our innocence had been wrecked. We now know what abuse is – what people are capable of, what our own families were capable of.

In a way, we might think that being oblivious was easier, as the truth is so shocking to us.However, as you say, previously you allowed others to manipulate and abuse you. The new PP won’t let that happen. You’ve grown.

My counsellor told me that we all have an inner child, and that we need to speak to that child with love and compassion. You wanting to big they dress is you wanting to hug the old you- to give her the love and compassion that your own family and husband failed to give you. I don’t call that mad: I call it important. ( My counsellor made me pretend a cushion was a ten year-old me, and to tell the cushion I loved it!!!)

I think we need to get to that point where we can embrace, love and have compassion for ourselves in all our stages, during our difficult journey.

(Maybe store it away in plastic at the back of the cupboard for now, like I have?)

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Peaceful Pig, I think different memories come back to us at different times. And also sometimes these memories can be good, cathartic and cleansing. I am sorry that this horrible experience happened to you on such a special day in a womens life. I can understand why you want to keep the wedding dress and touch it sometimes as it represented the real you prior to nasty things, innocent and hopeful. I hope that you manage to work through this difficult time. Recently I have read that the love bombing honeymoon period of a relationship can also be called the grooming phase. I don’t think my ex was with me for reasons he pretended to either, grooming me for who knows what. It is so difficult for a lot of the women on here to manage and cope with their days. I hope that it gives you some comfort to know that that most women on this forum have times when they feel desperate, used, betrayed and possibly worse. Its a case of fighting for our right to be happy and positive and finding our way through all of the mess. I’m trying but know its a battle. XXXXX

[SaharaD]

I am so sorry PP. I too feel sad for the woman I was when I got married. I still have the dress. It was a labour of love. It was unique. Custom designed, Custom sources materials and custom made. I’m attached to mine.

I was so happy and so full of hope and promise. That day. We sneaked away giggling from our guests back to our bridal suite which was decorated by my friend and sister with petals.

No hint of this awfulness when we were alone. Nothing he did on the wedding night or the next morning or day prophesied what he would do to me years later.

You are not going crazy. I still am heartbroken…defiantly. People think I should have a boyfriend or even another second husband.

The thought of that makes my stomach somersault. I know it’s paranoia but I feel like I can’t take another risk. I took a risk I feel getting married not because I didn’t think it was right but because my parents made it feel like a risk. They had never married and refused to get married to anyone.

I’m suppose I’m back where I started with them never wanting to marry again ever. Never wanting someone so intertwined with my life as to destroy it. Never wanting that vulnerability.

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you all so much. It’s such a comfort to feel so understood. Serenity I agree, it is positive that I feel so sad for my younger self. I knew a lot of what my family were capable of, though not the full extent I know now, but that just made my hope and desperation for a happy family life more keen. Little did I realise I was jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. I know the truth is better than being oblivious to the abuse, after all I’m safe now and I have myself. As you say Sahara I can choose to stay safe with this knowledge. I also would not give that up for anyone again. It is too big a risk. My dress was also beautifully handmade, it seems such a waste of effort now. HA yes I think you’re right about this being cleansing. I have a strong sense that I want to clean it all up, cleanse away toxicity so I can move forward. Hopefully that’s what this is.
Each deep realisation carries so much pain doesn’t it? Thank you all for keeping me sane. Love and hugs PP x*x

[Confused123]

HI PP

Your not going mad, your brain is just processing what happened, i personally loved my wedding outfit because it reflected the confident,bold beautiful lady i am, but he stole that from me, i see the wedding dress an attachemtn to him and the wedding album , i threw my wedding outfit and the album in the waste site b4 i relocated, and as much as it hurt looking at the album for the last time, i swore at him for spoiling my life , said F*** u too , ripped it up and threw them both away. Actually as sad as it was it felt great cause i broke that attachment . Your a strong beautiful lady too, lets build new memories and new outfits and close the chapter on the bad one, they not worth our attention

[godschild]

Hi PP, bless you for having to recal all of this, its the only way through to process the pain, its horible when you have to feel it but it will help you, we feel we are going crazy but its deep feelings, I felt that way one day last week but it will pass, let the feelings come and go ,they will not overwhelm you tho it feels that away sometimes hugsxxx

[Peaceful Pig]

Thank you Confused and godschild, I’ll give it a bit more time and let this grief work out before I decide. I feel like I’d like to put it on public display with a sign telling everyone what he did! I think when I have these realisations I feel a need to be seen and heard after all those years of oppression. I’m very glad you all think it’s healthy grief rather than craziness! I feel a bit more stable today. You’re all such a help, thank you x*x

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