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Something inside me has clicked and I seem to have been given a burst of strength. I want to tell him that our relationship is toxic and I want out but what’s the best way to do it? I don’t think he will get physically violent but he will probably turn the water works on and I’ll feel guilty ( he did this years ago when I was going to leave).
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Hi i.dont.know,
I was going to say the same as Chickadee. Best way to tell an abuser you want out is not to! Please get outside help and advice. It is well recognised that these men get more abusive when we try to leave. My abuse escalated when my husband realised I had just given up and the marriage looked like it was finally going to end. Not that I realised that at the time- I was too deep in the F.O.G. and confusion. I reached my ‘enough!’ moment and started to pull things together (docs, clothes etc) to run. I dread to think how things might have turned out had he had an inkling I was thinking of going. I’d tell myself he had never before shown violence to me (but that threat had always been there with the tantrums, throwing things and yelling). I was petrified of him.
In the end my exit all happened so quickly he was completely taken by surprise. Sometimes that makes me smile a little – he must have been so shocked! Thinking he had me right where he wanted me (broken and subservient) and then wham! Gone. Done. Ended.
Please be careful,
Iwillbeok
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We are all different but I personally don’t think you should never tell an abuser you are finished as it’s all about control and they up the abuse if they get an inkling you are done. The last 4 months I was married I was guiding money in a bank account to go. He had unbeknown to me hacked the account.
He upped his abuse to a whole new level. Used to scream at me for hours every night, pull my little boy in the middle and start screaming in his face. Spitting at me, not allowing me food, crying, trying to force me out if my own house, hacking my computer.
I was still subservient on the surface and never told him I was leaving….. but these men are controlling and devious.
I don’t think the normal rules of decency and ending a relationship amicably work with abusers. Protect yourself and make a plan. When he knew I was done that’s the first time he told me he was going to kill me.
If I had my time again I would leave when he wasn’t there. I would clear all joint bank accounts get my documents. Prepare somewhere new to live as much as you can. I would then cut off all contact. Go through a solicitor and the first time he harassed me I would get a restraining order.
I was super nice and reasonable no later how abusive he was because I thought he would calm down so had years of hassle and trouble from him.
Don t try and be nice because they will abuse it. You are not ending a normal relationship you are getting rid of an abuser. Normal rules don’t apply. Just my opinion. X*x good luck x
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I agree completely with the other replies. Don’t let him know in any way that you plan to leave. Just in case. Like Iwon, I made the mistake of telling him I planned to leave. Some years later I’m still with him, but things have got much worse and I’m much less able to leave now. He got worse and I didn’t even really realise it at the time.
I hope you can leave and start to rebuild your life. x -
Oh wow thanks everyone for your replies and it’s given me a lot to think about and the extra push I need.
I’ve contacted my local domestic abuse helpline and their doing a referral, they didn’t really give much details on the help they would give me?
The other option I may have is I know a private landlord who has a property available at the moment, but the only problem is my self employed income would become nil as I do it from our house. And I don’t have a great deal on cash saved up to pay rent in advance or buy things for the house like beds for my kids?
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Your Welcome.
Some helplines go to a primary operator that the refers you out based on the ibformation you provide. That person may not even know what actual assistance you will receive, their function is as an operator referral.
What about other private landlords, one that would permit you to run your business from the residence?
Chickadee
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Not to say to him, do it quietly and block all contact. He does not need to know where are you, not have the ability to find you.
With my first abuser – I have tried so many times to break up, I can not even count how many attempts I had, but they are manipulators, liars, con artist, that he always succeed to get me back where he want me to be. At the end I was totally drained – emotionally, financially, physically,
With my second abuser – when I have tried to stop any relationship ( thanks God I did not live with him) he tried all tactics under the sky – being super nice, like he always be there for me, without the benefit for him, he made me to trust him for a short period, by getting a friend to me. Then he manipulate me even worse than the first one.
When I understood it and wanted out – as last gift – he raped me, very badly.
After this – he was forcing me to be with him – by suicide attempts, by feeling sorry for him and guilt ( imagine he raped me and still was able to play me up feeling sorry for him!!!!! )
When this stopped working – blackmailed followed and force for me to stay in this relationship, where he keep going raping me.
I escaped when I simply could not take it anymore and I thought worse comes to worse, he will harm me, but I’m not letting him carrying me raping.
I was living with this horror for (detail removed by moderator)Just escape and do not give him any chance to find you or contact you. This is the safe way!
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