20th May 2020 at 12:44 am #103852KillingMeSlowlyParticipant
So I have a couple of friends who know things have been difficult in my relationship. One friend has witnessed unreasonable (loud and shouting) behaviour from my other half.
Anyway, this friend who I would consider a very close friend was asking me how I was. I said I’d email her and I did. I told her that things have been hard since Covid-19 and a few details… one of which was he asked to sleep separately. I agreed as felt better for the space. Also, said it was hard to get advice (e.g. speak to doctor) during this time due to always being in same space but said I had been utilising here and another resource.
So what does she do? She goes behind my back and calls up my doctors and makes a report about me and my relationship. She says a load of things about my partner. I get called into doctors on one premise only to arrive and find this out.
I feel so upset. Rationally, I know she was only trying to help but it just feels horrible… such a betrayal of my trust. It was the first time I was being open to a friend about it and now I regret it as exactly what I fear has happened – having no control. I can’t even face her again as I don’t think I could ever trust her again. It’s really sad as her and the other lady were my two closest friends here but they are also friends and I know they talk about me as they have openly indicated this.
I am only writing this as I have no one else to tell and it is weighing on my mind.
20th May 2020 at 1:56 am #103856
This has been done to me a number of times and it’s brutal, it really is. Very very painful and it is a betrayal. Absolutely. She had no right to do what she did, none. So, when I see those flags flying now, I say, Oh My, Oh Dear, do thank you so very much for showing me who you are! There’s the door, hit it!
We live we learn. I am just going through an extreme betrayal by a friend of mine and it’s all too clear now that she had an axe to grind with me a long time back. Nothing bad I did to her at all, in fact I was the one giving her help at the time. She wanted me to keep doing it and I said no. I’ve pretty much had all the major players in my life betray me so, I get it. People would say, wow, something must be wrong with you then!! LOL! Ah yes, they would say that but they didn’t live my life, not in my skin. I know what happened, don’t need a vote on it.
Sad but, women have been sooo beaten up and made to be extreme harpies to each other, competing over men, etc. We are designed to compete anyways but these days it’s quite ugly. Sometimes it’s the man involved with the friend. That happens too. But whatever it is, it’s rubbish. I wouldn’t give ten cents about it because it’s about “them” and not about you at all. If you wear it, then you take the poison into yourself. Don’t bite the tainted apple. Just thank you so much for letting me know who you are Bye now! Don’t come back!
20th May 2020 at 5:59 am #103858KIP.Participant
Her betrayal comes from the best possible place with your best interests at heart. You are being betrayed every single day by the man who abuses you. Before you cut off her friendship, please remember that abusers love us to be isolated from friends and family, making us even more vulnerable to abuse. This lady did what she did I believe because she cares for you. Something your abuser will never do. When we are being abused we just can’t look after ourselves because abuse totally messes with our head. So take a few days to reflect on what’s been done and said and the reasons why before you make any decisions. It must be very difficult to sit back and watch someone you love being hurt like this. Imagine your daughter in an abusive relationship and just not understanding she’s putting herself in harms way. I know it took outside agencies to keep me safe and now I’m so glad they intervened because I was in no fit state to help myself. Just another way to look at it x also when we are abused our senses are heightened. Our anxiety and paranoia and fear and anger x take some time out x
20th May 2020 at 11:11 am #103879
Maybe the best thing to do is confront her, just calmly talk to her. Sometimes people don’t know what to do, so it could very well be as KIP said. You won’t really know until you guys talk.
20th May 2020 at 5:48 pm #103917TheydeservethebestParticipant
I suppose it is being stated everywhere at the moment that if you suspect someone is in trouble then report it. It’s misguided to the person going through it but they must mean well. I’m sorry that’s happened to you it must have made you feel so much panic.
20th May 2020 at 7:15 pm #103923
With me personally, I had a stepmother who raised me if you can call it that, and a biological mother I never knew until (detail removed by moderator). Both of them have been extremely abusive to me, drawing me in and then stabbing me in the back repeatedly. The abuse was horrific. So much so that I’m not sure if their abuse and betrayal wasn’t worse than my father and his was really bad. So I actually chose women friends alot like I chose men. And I’ve chosen some real corkers in female friends. Very charming, they lovebomb just like men do, draw you into their confidence, get you to trust them, etc. Same exact maneuvers and abusive tactics. So it’s not just men that do this, women do too… My best friends who hurt me were exactly like both of my mothers.
All the knives that I was stabbed with were all cloaked in “Just doing this for your good” but after awhile, it was plain as day that wasn’t the case at all. It was a cover and a disguise. They busted boundaries all over the place and called it – concern and love but it so wasn’t that at all.
I absolutely understand that sometimes friends that really are friends indeed – feel like they have no other choice but to bust a boundary in order to help someone. I do get that. But women can be quite savage in what they do to each other “too”. Been there, have the scars. My mothers would sabotage me like it was eating a good cake! They enjoyed it because both of their lives were miserable so why should I have a happy life?
It depends on each person’s situation, absolutely. With me, I’ve had so many stabs in the back now, it’s very hard for me to trust anyone. Same rule applies with getting to know a man as it does with getting to know a woman as a friend. I take my time now getting to know anyone that is going to assume they have the special unique permission to bust my boundaries.
20th May 2020 at 7:25 pm #103924Wants To HelpParticipant
Sorry you feel betrayed. We all hope and believe we can trust our best friends with our deepest and darkest secrets and fears, but sometimes, when they are hearing things they don’t really have any experience of they panic and do what they think is best. She may not have been able to live with any guilt if she did nothing and you then ended up hospitalised or dead. If that was the case, could she have ever come forward and said “I knew what was going on, and I chose to do nothing.”
To your friend, you are living in a situation where you need ‘rescuing’ and she has sought some help to get you out. If you’d have told her you were in the house and it was on fire you probably wouldn’t be surprised if the Fire Service turned up to get you out!
I doubt very much your friend has done this to cause you trouble, she has done it because she cares about you. Unfortunately, the outcome of this is the GP service now have a Safeguarding issue reported to them and they have a duty of care to take action – something your friend may be unaware of. The system does not always work as we would like it to!
So, some doors have now been opened for you that you would not have opened yourself. The ‘cat is now out of the bag’ so to speak. You will be encouraged to speak up about what is happening to you and help will be offered, whether you speak the truth and take the help is still your choice.
If you need any inspiration to speak up and seek help there is currently a young girl trending on Facebook called Ellie Williams who has spoken out and released photos of her injuries due to Child Sexual Exploitation. She kept quiet about the beatings until they tried to cut her finger off last night to punish her. She’s finally had enough.
Please speak up too and get the help and support you need x
20th May 2020 at 8:26 pm #103932[email protected]Participant
I don’t think this is betrayal she has taken a huge step on your behalf! She maybe has crossed a boundary but remember she probably doesn’t understand how frightened you are. You will fear the consequences like we all do xx 😘 her intentions have come from a good place xx her actions were extreme but I think forgivable- give her time to explain herself and ask her to consult u first before she makes any moves again xx good friends are hard to find x bold move
20th May 2020 at 8:49 pm #103935[email protected]Participant
The reality is most people won’t do this xx I found I was treated like I had the plague when I opened up about everything xx
21st May 2020 at 8:37 am #103974AlittlelostParticipant
I think she was only trying to help but she really should of spoken to you about it first atleast and after. I think u need talk to her like others have said. She clearly cares but maybe gone about it a bit wrongly.
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