Between a rock and a hard place

[Escapee]

I had my get out plan but then he used the emotional blackmail card. Our adult daughter and her partner are due to move in with us as they will be in-between housing, jobs etc. I had planned to move out before they needed the spare room (I’m currently sleeping in there and would go to stay with sister) but my husband says I need to stay as our daughter will not want to be here without me; she may also think she has pushed me out. Therefore if I go I am being selfish and self absorbed ( frequent characteristics he uses to describe me among others). I have absolutely no confidence in my own ability to make good decisions – basically because he always highlights how I screw up.
I am so desperate to leave but terrified that I’ll make things go wrong for my daughter and that something awful wil happen to her and it will be my fault as I didn’t wait until it was ok to leave.
He’s not violent with his fists just his words but I’m a mess.
Any advice gratefully received.

[Flowerchild]

Dear Escapee,

Be sure that whenever you plan to leave, he will cook up a big pot of guilt stew and hand you the spoon!

Have you actually asked your daughter whether she will fall to bits if you aren’t there? She’s an adult with a partner, so I’m guessing she’s probably OK. After all, she’s lived away from you before and survived, am I right?

If she has a phone and your number, she can be in touch I guess? If you tell her what her father is suggesting about her mental fragility and general neediness, will she laugh? Why not try it and see?

Ask her whether she actually needs you to be there when it forces you back into his bed where you don’t want to be. If she’s the woman I think she is – her strong mother’s daughter – she will put you straight. And she’ll be forearmed against any badmouthing her father tries about you, too!

Flower x

[Escapee]

Thank you Flower. I know you are right. I’m sitting here wrestling with myself between contacting her and telling her what’s happening (the grown up option) or just staying another few months so I don’t cause any problems (the downtrodden, scared, guilt ridden option). Seems like a no brainer really so why, oh why can’t I just message her and say we need to chat! It’s not even like it’ll be a big surprise to her. I get so frustrated with myself for allowing him to manipulate me.

[Lisa]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be. He sounds very controlling and knows exactly what buttons to press. He knows you will hesitate to leave if he uses your daughter against you.

Your daughter is an adult and she will have her partner with her. Its okay to put yourself first in this situation. Its unlikely your daughter will be upset or react in the way your husband is suggesting.

You are not responsible for his behaviour. You can keep in touch with your daughter.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes
Lisa

[Flowerchild]

If you stay a few months, he’ll only have another six reasons you can’t leave, won’t he?

Ask yourself why he keeps saying such hurtful and ridiculous things; it’s to keep you spinning your wheels and going nowhere! You don’t have to really listen, you know. It doesn’t need to be taken to heart. He’s just pushing your buttons.

I bet your daughter has a pretty shrewd idea what’s going on. She could be a great support for you, and your sister too, by the sound of it. Do talk to them, darling!

Flower x

[Escapee]

I did it – I spoke with my daughter. All sorted. I’ve started packing stuff up and I’m moving out next week! Heavens knows where I go from here with no home or job but it’s got to be better than being bullied. Thank you for your encouragement and support.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Escapee just read your post and want to say well done, you are doing the right thing, and don’t worry about job and housing, once you are away from his abuse, you have enough mental space to think all this through. You call women’s aid to help you get started.

[Escapee]

Thanks Hopelovejoy 😊
I doubt my ducks will be in a row but hopefully I’ll get them in some formation!
How long does the crying go on for? I feel like I should be grinning from ear to ear but I’m just terrified!

[HopeLifeJoy]

Well are they ever lined up in a neat row? ☺️I don’t think so, there is always movement isn’t there, the best you can do when it comes to abuse is think of your safety, all else comes second.

The crying will be part of the grieving process, the duration of which depends on many factors such as your anxiety levels, ptsd etc.
Read about the five stages of grief to give you an idea of emotional phases to come, then read about trauma bonding.
You can write about anything you are going through on here to get validation, clarity, reassurance or just a listening ear.

[Author]

Posts