Big Sigh……..

[Underastone]

Back from taking daughter to be interviewed as part of shuttle mediation for divorce. He wants teenager to live with him alternative weeks, I am just so concerned. He insisted she was interviewed, I will get a letter about discussions (detail removed by moderator).
This is a man who pleaded guilty to assault charges and I have a (detail removed by moderator) restraining order. I respect the fact he is her Dad so he has been seeing her, mainly under supervision as he is living at parents.
There have been a couple of instances where he has lost his temper with her, as he had done in the past & of course she still adores him.
I hope she felt able to say what she wanted, as I know he will have been telling her what to say, he is very good at manipulating his point of view and I worry that she felt she had to say she wouldn’t mind living with him just to keep him happy.
Apart from the practical sense that he would leave early for work and she would gave to get up & out herself, when currently she is a nightmare to get up, even without a late night.
Just worried sick of the outcome, have been told could end up in court which is ridiculous given her age.
Think his main aim is he has been told women gets bigger percentage of house if child lives with them, so doing it to get bigger split, although I gave said 50/50 anyway. Also his way of controlling everything that’s going on.
Anyone else had similar experience.

[Serenity]

Hi There,

Yes, I have had similar. My ex manipulating my eldest to go and live with him 4 days a week when he was always cruel to him- I think because he wanted the money/ benefits.

My youngest is not yet a teenager and there is a court order to say- at the moment- he needs to go on certain days, but my eldest ( teenager ) was told by the court that he is old enough to decide. Sure enough, after his dad putting on a Mr Nice Guy act which didn’t last, he’s now not seeing his dad at all.

I think your daughter needs to know that she has a choice, and that she can speak to you about any concerns. At her age, she can’t legally be forced.

Be careful of mediation: in my view, abusers use mediation to try to get their way, as they know they wouldn’t in court. Don’t let yourself be pushed around and being made to agree to things you’re not happy with.

Court is an option. If he tries to gain unfair control and abuse via mediation, maybe this is the solution.

The greatest advice I got was from the NSPCC who said that a court order was my best chance of being free of his games. Contact was formalised for my youngest, but for my eldest, the court upheld his freedom of choice, and for him who was bullied for years by his dad, this was worth its weight in gold x

[Underastone]

Thank you Senerity, I realise she is old enough to make own decision to see father, don’t think she’s wise enough to realise the manipulation/controlling manner. Just wants to jeep him happy. As he is prone to losing his temper I am not happy to readily agree to alternative weeks with him. I think this will end up in court, as couldn’t forgive myself I he turns nasty.
I also can’t see how living in 2 places is practical, it would be like packing to go on holiday every week.
Ihave signed up for some counciling now, as struggling to cope with situation.seeing someone tomorrow at local domestic violence support.

[Author]

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