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My daughter took a big step recently and decided not to visit her dad on the agreed time. She hasn’t ever enjoyed going but I’ve encouraged her to a point until she is distressed in which case I tell her I won’t force her to go due to her age. I’ve always told her I support whatever decision she makes but now I’ve had to put my money where my mouth is. She’s scared of upsetting him, she worries for her sibling not being safe alone with him, she feels guilty for putting her own needs first. It’s so sad that he makes her feel this way. She tried to hide from him but he has to intimidate her. I keep repeating that neither his feelings or her sibling’s safety are her responsibility. I remind her of her rights. But in reality I share her fears. I’m expecting punishment and kind of wish she had waited a bit and let him gradually lose interest. But why should she? Why shouldn’t she take control? She’s been so brave. I just hope I can be x
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Thank you itsoktobeme, She has had moments of panic since and has messaged to pacify him because she fears his reaction. I just hope that taking this course of action causes an increase in her self-esteem and not anything traumatic that damages it. He won’t like her growing up and having a mind of her own. We have both worried for her younger sibling but I’m trying to think that my example enabled my daughter to act as she has and hers will give her sibling a strong example to follow.
Ayanna, if only! My daughter was intimidated into her answers to social services went it went to court so she’s not quite there yet, but she does use the online childline counselling service and has begun to open up to school so we’ll see. She’s awesome though and I’m right behind her all the way! -
Hi PP,
It’s so hard. No doubt our abusers will blame us and accuse us of brainwashing our kids if they don’t see them ( like my eldest isn’t seeing his dad much) : they like to project blame rather than accept that their behaviour might be the reason their kids don’t like Spending time with them.
This is why I think it is so important, if we can, not to bad mouth our exes and try to encourage confidence in our kids and to stand up for themselves: our exes will always blame us, whatever, but at least our kids will know we didn’t try to control their decisions.
Your daughter must feel very safe and protected fed with you to make such a brave move. I know that the only reason my eldest has felt able to distance himself from his dad at various times is because I am no contact with my ex: he knows he has a safe haven here away from his dad. If I were in contact with my ex and allowing him to bully using- separation, my son would either have left home by now or felt unable to stand up to his dad. My guess is the former: he just didn’t like being around his dad, and doesn’t seem to even now.
It is so sad that she needs to worry about her sibling being alone with her dad. Bit think of the damage your ex will do to her if she. Series on seeing him. He must have said or done something to make her choose this course of action.
Assure her that you will continue to talk to her sibling about time with his dad and to check all is ok. Log anything of concern with your your son.
I agree that speaking to the NSPCC might be a good move. They really helped me to see the best course of action.
It’s dreadful that we have to deal with all of this. But carry on doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you are doing a lot right X
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Thanks Serenity, I agree about the control thing and she was most definitely in charge of her decision. It was the result of her recent holiday in which she says that him and his GF bullied her. Whilst I do not think that emotional abuse of children is OK, I’m afraid it will definitely not meet social services thresholds so there’s little I can do. Logging incidents as I was advised totally backfired on me too. All I can do is what I am. Provide a safe, supportive and consistent home where they feel loved and support their confidence as much as possible. My ex’s interest in the children seems as though it may be waning to some extent and if he thinks he is controlling this it might just be easier that way. This approach has certainly turned out well with the divorce and finances. Calmly biding my time and giving him no reaction at all.
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Holidays seem to be occasions where our abusers show their true colours to our children!
It’s awful that your ex’s partner might’ve unkind to your daughter too.
I know what you mean about the continuing abuse not meeting thresholds for reporting incidents. But the NSPCC were great at advising me to just wait for my ex to show his true colours, as he is going and, it seems, your ex is too. They are good at consoling you.
I am glad that you can see how powerful and soothing your presence is to your kids, and I think due to your love and care, they will be ok in the end. We are too strong to let our children be completely undone by our abusers. X
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She’s slowly building her confidence despite the emotional blackmail she is used to. She sees his inconsistencies clearly. It will take her time to get the strength just as it did for us, but to be honest I think she’s amazing to have such wisdom and strength at her age. I really think she’ll be OK. My son still wants to go and is not disclosing much at the minute but he gets treated a lot better as he’s a boy.
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