- This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Anonymous.
7th January 2016 at 2:41 pm #7226AnonymousInactive
Please bear with me, there is a reason I am asking this question – but has anyone’s abusive partner turned out to be bi/gay/questioning his sexuality? Or have you ever questioned whether or not he was?
7th January 2016 at 3:05 pm #7227SaharaDParticipant
My abusive husband seemed to have a need to prove his sexuality. I discovered stashes of porn DVD, virility supplements and penile enlargement kits….. At the time I thought this was just normal male insecurity but it isn’t….
As far as being a man in bed he was what I would consider normal. One lady had an abuser who would withhold sex from her and just watch porn and be on his own.
They are insecure to the highest level and think that the worse thing is to not be “man enough sexually” whatever that means.
I’ve since discovered that one of my friends from school is bi and doesn’t question it or think there is something wrong with him sexually.
Abusers are not real men (or women). Being a real man or women hasn’t got anything to do with sexuality. It’s to do with your character and as we know their character is rotten to the core.
7th January 2016 at 4:33 pm #7228Twisted SisterParticipant
yes! the same. Hello SarahaD good to see you and happy NY to you.
with-holding (as well as other stuff that i find all too horrible to go into) very much insecure of his sexuality, but strutted around chest puffed out like some sort of lion and loved that analogy. Liked to see himself as a lion and referred to himself as such, but i know how much his sexuality was under question (although he very rarely revealed anything about himself so the bits he did reveal i know were key in his life).
He was terrified of being gay, often called others gay as if it were an insult. Any guy at all that i was talking to, or he noticed danced near me, or i enjoyed as a celeb on tv, were all ‘gay’ apparently, whilst proclaiming what a fair ‘man’ he is and non-judgemental and cool with others’ sexuality, of whatever inclination. Even had me trying to prove his ‘masculinity’ to the most sinister characters amongst his friends, and some of them were really sinister – i do wonder why I never opened my eyes … constantly!
7th January 2016 at 5:21 pm #7234AnonymousInactive
Thank you all.
I don’t know how to write this really and am scared of being kicked off for being too vulgar, but I will try and hope for the best.
He pesters me for a**l sex, which I’ve always hated. This in itself isn’t the reason, I’m lead to believe it is more common then I knew.
He wants me to use toys on him, even though he knows I’m not comfortable really.
He told me he fantasises about another man in our bed but more for his penetration rather then anything else. He told me via text when we were away and was sheepish when I returned, worried about my reaction he said. When I tried to talk to him about it he said that he wasn’t attracted to the man, just the mans bits doing what he wanted them to do to him – but I couldn’t imagine how you can say there is no attraction? There must be in order for you to perform? Does that make sense?
He has never looked at other women while we’ve been together – which some would see as a good thing but doesn’t quite seem normal – you’d expect his eye to be turned occasionally?
We were talking about trans/gay people not being able to tell people and love honestly and I said I didn’t see what the issue was and that they should be able to be happy – he just went totally silent and eventually fell asleep.
My previous partner left me for another man, and it hurt but I got over it. I was happy for him.
Now I’m wondering if a) he is curious about men but doesn’t want to admit it or b) he’s using it to hurt me after what I went through before.
Maybe it’s normal and I’m the odd one?? I’m just coming to terms with his awful behaviour towards me being controlling and abusive rather then just rubbish, so maybe I’m clutching at straws and reading too much into things?
Sorry if anything I’ve said has offended.
7th January 2016 at 5:35 pm #7236Twisted SisterParticipant
my experience tells me that they do use what they know works in order to upset you, so i wouldn’t rule out that he could be gaslighting you.
Your main concern is you i would say, and that his sexual preferences are his own concern, you are unhappy with more than this, and he knows he left you feeling unsettled and who knows why; as you call him an abuser thats the issue.
I hope you can leave him to his own devices/preferences and no longer be caught up with his abusive business whatever way that takes him and that you look after you and get what you need for your life and happiness.
7th January 2016 at 11:32 pm #7276Winterblues2Participant
My ex also used to use the term ‘gay’ as his choice of derogatory insult. He too had an interest in given a**l sex (although it never happened).
I suspect that he was sexually abused by a male in a position of trust as a child as he has a distrust of everyone, significant levels of denial and an obsessive belief that any male in contact with our children will sexually abuse them if given the chance.
So I wonder, as somebody else suggested, if he is using his one weak point as a way to abuse others.
7th January 2016 at 11:47 pm #7277SerenityParticipant
I agree that – if he knows your previous partner left you for a man- this might be his cruel way of hurting you. Yes, abusers really can be that sick and will go to great lengths to hurt you, whilst feigning innocence. Abusers aren’t normal- an sbuset really is capable of weaving an elaborate tale and even acting out his method to hurt you.
My ex also had an a**l sex fetish which I felt uncomfortable with. He also had hang ups about not being masculine enough. He would moan about not having hairs on his chest and not being muscley enough.
He seemed to enjoy the company of lesbians, and said nothing derogatory about them, but seemed to want to distance himself from the company of gay men.
I don’t know what all this meant, but I definitely sensed a huge hang-up.
8th January 2016 at 11:39 am #7290HerindoorsParticipant
My ex would give me mixed messages about his attitude towards homosexuality. On one hand he would say that he had no issue with it, loved the gay people he worked with, had a few gays friends. On the other hand he said all gay men were predatory (and therefore dangerous) and that being gay was a choice that men made. He was very hung up on his sexual performance (sex for him was only a performance, nothing else) and used enhancing methods. He hinted at maybe being bi-sexual but when I suggested a threesome with another man (in retaliation for him constantly pushing the idea of another women on me) he got angry, which I think was about his ‘performance’ issues.
He also wanted a**l but I got the impression this was more about the fact that I refused than anything else, he just wouldn’t let it go because he knew asking me upset me.
I suspect strongly that he is Bi and would have liked to explore that side of himself.
I think supressing that could have helped create the monster he is, but its not the cause or an excuse for his behaviour.
8th January 2016 at 2:54 pm #7298AnonymousInactive
Thank you all so much. I have to be careful when I log on so I don’t get on here as much as I would like to.
I’m really grateful to you all for taking the time to reply to me. It means a lot to me.
I’m torn between believing that he is using my past to get to me and wondering if he really is bi (curious at least).
Maybe I’m hoping that he is so that I feel I have a valid reason for ending the relationship (in my head that is) – we wouldn’t have to hate each other and could coparent the kids together? I am aware how totally ludicrous it is to hope your husband is gay so you can leave him! When did my life come to this?!
I guess unless I ask him I’m never going to know. Not sure I have the energy for that conversation!!
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