Bipolar or abuse??

[Muddypuddles]

I’ve just ended my relationship with my boyfriend we were together for (removed by moderator). We didn’t live together. I have 2 sons who live with me and my now ex boyfriend has 2 sons who live with their mum, but who he sees regularly. He suffers with depression on a varying scale, I say varying as it is bipolar depression as he has (removed by moderator). He was diagnosed Bipolar (removed by moderator) years ago and prior to that had been diagnosed with depression. He takes his prescribed meds daily.

In the first few months of meeting, we datind regularly. We laughed, chatted, had fun though he seemed shy and bit snappy. He told me of his Bipolar/depression in the first month and that his depression can get quite bad. I accepted this. I’ve suffered depression in the past so I appreciate to a degree how it feels, though I appreciate too that everyone’s feelings, emotions, and experiences are all different.

I helped where I could when he was feeling low, he asked me to come to his psychiatrist appts and I offered him support where possible. In the following (removed by moderator) together when he was low, he took things out on me (angry outbursts) but it was the nasty texts and demands from him that really began to chip away and hurt. We never did much except sit in front of the TV watching films/progs, if I chose not to watch them, he’d get frustrated with me so I’d sit with him and watch. Conversation was next to nothing despite my trying. We barely went out except to visit his cousin and his friends where it was like seeing a totally different person with him chatting away. Anyway, I decided to calmly sit down with him and tell him how I was feeling and invite him to do the same. I said I appreciate its not easy when you feel low but I felt like we needed to try to go out more, even if its just a walk together (when we met he’d said he enjoyed sport and loves to cycle and go for walks). I said that I’d prefer if he didn’t text unkind things, and it would be nice to share the cooking or cook meals together. (I was doing all the cooking both at his house and mine and paying for takeaways). I said it’d feel great if he could give me a massage once in a while (I would massage his head and shoulders now and then, but then he would ask me to every time I saw him and would get cross if I said I didn’t want to). I tried my best to put a positive twist on everything. We chatted for a few hours. He said he gets bored easily and doesn’t want to do things because he doesn’t feel motivated, he apologised for the nasty texts, he said it would be nice to cook together and go for walks etc but that I would need to encourage and motivate him even if he says he doesn’t want to do it. So we continued to see each other..

(Removed by moderator) months down the line.. Nothing much has changed.. He’s had numerous anger outbursts, the first upon dealing with our children’s behaviour (our boys get on well but they have their moments as all kids do). This particular weekend we’d gone to my boyfriends for a sleepover. An incident happened whereby my boyfriends youngest was annoying the others so they left him out of their game. My boyfriend asked why his boys was on his own, I said its boys being boys, and the next minute my boyfriend stormed up to my boys and his eldest and started ranting, swearing and shouting at them, he totally lost it. Then he stormed off and came back when the boys had gone outside to play. He then turned his anger on me and then ignored everyone for the rest of the eve leaving me to care for everyone. My youngest was distraught but still wanted to sleepover. So we did despite my wanting to leave. The next day, my boyfriend ignored me all day and chatted to the boys. His cousin then came over in the evening and he was nattering away all animated ten to the dozen.
Another occasion he lost it whilst we were in the park with our boys and my dad, he started shouting and swearing at his youngest before turning on me then storming off and leaving him in tears by my side. He did eventually apologise saying it was because he was in his overdraft and skint. On these occasions I did stand up to him and told him it was unacceptable.
There have been other occasions where he has got cross with me in person or via text and has blanked or ignored me.

I visited him as much as I could, and held hope each time that we’d do something together, hold a conversation and have fun.. On the odd occasion we did. I appreciate he has Bipolar and that the depression can be debilitating and I was trying to be there for him. But the last (removed by moderator) I have been feeling low myself and unsure of how much more I could take, even though I do love him, it began to really hurt. An another outburst, last weekend, which led to him ignoring me for the remainder of the day was the last straw for me. I think more so because my boys were fed up with his behaviour and both told me that I deserve better than this, (removed by moderator).
Is this how depression/bipolar is? Is this anger, these behaviours part of depression/Bipolar? Is this normal? Or is this emotional abuse? He says he can’t help it that his emotions are so strong and he says he loves me so much and doesn’t want to lose me. I thought long and hard before I chose to end the relationship, I guess all I’m seeking is to know I’ve done the right thing and haven’t walked away from perhaps trying harder?
I feel guilty that I somehow could have made it work and that it’s my fault the way things went because I didn’t try to talk about it enough and tell him how I felt. I’m feeling pretty mixed up at the moment. He’s still texting nice texts and then a day later nasty ones and vice versa.

[Savingmyself]

Hi Muddy

Well done on leaving your very abusive ex
Having bi polar does not make you abusive or excuse it
He has no problem switching it off and on depending who is around all great every time his cousin comes over right .
You and your boys deserve an amazing man that that supports and looks after you too and visa versa not poor behaviour silent treatments and mind games
With these abusers it’s all a one way street
I think its awesome that your boys can see how that want there mum to be treated ..
Big hugs x*x

[Confused123]

well done hun for getting out hun, i have met so many ladies who have left there partners cause of the anger they display cause of bipolar, they choose to behave that way hun, they choose to take it out just on us, if it was bipolar it would be same behaviour with everyone, dont go back to this guy and pat yourself for getting out , go no contact and ignore this man, they get kick out of messing with our head and think by us answering they r bk in

[Sparkle1]

I ended it with my husband just over (detail removed by moderator)weeks ago I like you spent a lot of the relationship questioning his behaviour as he justified it because of childhood problems and underlying autism which has never been diagnosed, he would ignore me for days if I didn’t do exactly what he wanted, he would sulk if my friends or family text or called he would use silent treatment if I was invited for a night out so I just stopped socialising but he would never want to go out together just sit indoors watching tv/films. He was extremely controlling in everyway how I dressed who I could speak to what we did on weekends with the kids which wasn’t much I would pay for most things but he would also tell me he’s the man my protector that he would love me more than anyone could etc and it confuses you but now I’m away from him I see it so clearly he was extremely mentally abusive he made me doubt my own mind I was isolated and drained a lot of the time, sorry to rant on about my situation but yours sounds similar so just wanted to reassure you that this is emotional abuse I hope you find the strength and support from here I know I have x

[Muddypuddles]

Thanks for your replies. It’s so confusing, one minute I’m thinking how rubbish I felt within the relationship, unhappy, unloved, taken for granted and afraid to speak my feelings for fear of provoking an unneeded reaction. Next I’m feeling guilty for leaving someone with a mental illness and for not trying harder and believing its all my fault??
I decided to send a ‘closure’ email to him on (day removed by moderator) as I felt I needed to explain my reasons for ending the relationship. I explained about it being the angry behaviour etc and not the Bipolar that was the deciding factor. It’s just something I felt I needed to do. (detail removed by moderator)
He had been sending texts prior to this saying that he’s seeing his Dr and upped his meds and even though we’re not together could we still do (detail removed by moderator) stuff together. He’s also mentioned that he’s cleared out his back room to make a workout area.. He telling me about all the stuff I asked him if we could do over the time we were together. Why does he want to do it all now? In other texts prior to the nice ones he was commenting how I was worthless and not worth his time, how if he thinks he has problems I should take a look at my family first, and how shallow he thinks I am for leaving someone with Bipolar.
I heard no more from him since his email reply to me on (day removed by moderator). But he’s texted again this morning to say ‘hi just seeing how you are’ (detail removed by moderator).. Me being me, I want to reply just to say yep I’m fine, but I’m guessing that’s not a good idea. I’m finding it tough at the mo coz despite everything I did love him. I know that sounds silly considering how I was treated. I feel a bit all over the place at this moment in time x

[Confused123]

hun u not alone, we all loved our monsters, mine did most horrific things but in end u cant stay with them,u cant help them , they have to help themselves, by walking away see it as your way of helping him, again u mentionhis going to dr ,upping the medication,they all say we going to do this and this to change , good if they r but they not getting us bk

[Sparkle1]

My ex is in counselling snd on medication but nothing has changed, he too promises to stop his controlling ways and give me a normal life when I end it but as soon as I give him the chance it slowly starts again it’s like being on a merry go round and the only way it will stop if you get off, it hasn’t been long for me this time but with the help of woman’s aid I am getting the support I need to stay away for good this time, i hope you get the support you need from them and start re-building your happier life xx

[lilbbysprout]

Hi there,
It’s easy to be left feeling like what happened between us and our perpetrator is our fault because the way they manipulate us, sets us up to feel so. It’s even more difficult when we care about that person, and that person has a mental illness because not only will they tend to use it as an excuse, but because we care about them we begin to question ourselves too. “They did this, but they ARE mentally ill so…” However, the truth is that mental illness doesn’t make someone abusive nor is there ever an excuse for emotional abuse. He is responsible for his own actions and the way he yelled at you/your children/had angry outbursts sounds absolutely terrifying, and difficult to digest or go through. You are so strong and so courageous for coming to terms with these truths and for taking the steps needed to do the right thing for you as well as your children. You have done nothing wrong, and you are an amazing person. I hope you continue to find the right support and peace you need in your life to move forward. Light with you

[undertherainbow]

Mentally ill people tend to be more harm to themselves than others. If he could turn it off around his cousin and friends then this is really telling.
My ex also suffered with depression but never stayed on his meds for more than 3 days. When he’d be verbally abusive or physically violent or when I would try to end it he would cry and say he’d see a Doctor to up his medication, get help, it was his depression etc. Of course this never happened and it only got worse to the point of him trying to kill me. I’m only speaking from my experience but I think a lot of abusers seem to use mental illness as an excuse for their actions and behaviours when in actual fact they’re completely capable and in control of what they do and say to others. Mine used it as another weapon and as a sufferer myself I completely fell for it. Good on you for getting out. No contact has helped me, it’s slightly different because my ex is in prison and there’s been times I wanted to visit but I know all he’d do is play stupid mind games and play on him being mentally ill. I consider it very very offensive to the people that do suffer.
X

[Nomorenomore]

I’m so glad you left him x

[Muddypuddles]

Hello.. It’s been a few months since I ended my relationship with my ex, yet he still continues to message me. A month ago he messaged to ask how I was and, what I’d been up to etc, just general chit chat. I sent short blunt but polite replies yes/no/fine etc. He then asked for an back (that hed bought me) which I returned to him via a go between.. His general chit chat continued (I never initiated any contact, just replied). The messages then got nasty asking for another item back which I returned. Nice texts resumed, he then asked for another item. So I returned everything he’d ever got me, everything, and asked him not not contact me anymore. But.. He continues to message, apologetic texts at first (for his nasty messages), followed by asking me to take back the stuff I’d returned so he can move on. Since sending everything back I’ve replied to none of his messages, and he continues with the nice texts, despite saying he’d leave me alone..
I’m feeling like i’m going slightly crazy. I don’t miss him, but I miss the good memories if that makes sense? I feel sorry for him. I feel angry with him too though. I know I can block his messages etc, but I haven’t.. Why? I’m not sure why and that’s why I’m beating myself up. Why can’t I just let go? There’s nothing to hold onto, but I can’t let go?? I feel like I shouldn’t block him because that wouldn’t be nice, I feel like I would be retaliating by doing that, somehow dropping to his level. What if i bump into him? But at the same time I know I need to block him because its not helping me to move on. Each time a message from him pops up, it leaves me on edge or thinking of the good or bad memories depending on if it’s a nice or nasty text. Feel like I’m pretty much losing the plot at the moment. I just want to let go and cut him off but nicely. How mad is that!
Thanks for listening x

[Sparkle1]

No contact is the only way I have learnt a massive lesson I kept the contact like you I would get nasty then nice messages depending on his mood and after months of separation I ended up back giving him yet another chance and have just got him back out of my house! All the promises in the world never changed him in fact he was worse this time. I found it hard to cut him off I missed the nice parts and bit by bit I found myself completely in denial & forgetting the bad and romanticising about the good parts, it happens so gradually & before you know it they are back in your head and your life and it’s not worth the trauma it brings because they just don’t change. Thinking of you I know it’s hard especially when your feelings take over xx

[Author]

Posts