Birthday

[Wanttoleave]

Hi my husband has booked a fancy hotel for my birthday (detail removed by Moderator) without asking or telling me.

Everything we do is as and when he wants and I end up looking like a bedraggled rat as no time to get ready.

I asked him if this was happening could he pls let me know as need to arrange pet care etc

(detail removed by Moderator)

It will make it very stressful for me.
I said can he cancel he says it non refundable.
Now I feel so guilty and his family will hate me for wasting money we don’t have.

I am also struggling financially

My point is if I am feeling anxious before we even left what will it be like .

Often trips until we arrive are sheer hell (won’t speak won’t stop for loo , etc)
Then when we get there can be lovely.

Am I crazy to feel like this?

I have gone our as his last words were (detail removed by Moderator):(

[Hereforhelp]

He hasn’t considered you whatsoever, this trip is about him… I feel for you so much, that anxiety you describe I have also felt and it made me really ill eventually (am out now). It isn’t ok for your husband to go ahead and do whatever he likes without any thought or consideration for you and his parting comment (which may get removed by moderater) was a belittling nasty put down to make you feel worthless and ungrateful when in reality he hadn’t done anything for you, he booked what he wanted and was taking you with him.. like.an object… I am sorry to sound so blunt but abusers do treat us like objects x

Have you spoken to womans aid? The Freedom Programme is really helpful, even if you are still there with him.. no pressure.

HFH ❤️

[Wanttoleave]

Thank you so much for your reply, I think they gas light us into self blame, so that validation has helped so much so thank you.
I have recently been given some great helpful information fingers crossed.
Well done for leaving! All the best to you too

[Hereforhelp]

Gaslighting causes so much mental confusion.. as it is designed to do.. so we self doubt… it is so cruel and a form of mental torture ❤️

[Bananaboat]

He’s done this to make himself look like a fantastic partner to the outside world, but as you say, with no thought or consideration for you or your responsibilities which a caring partner would do. So if you say no, you become the bad guy and it’s an excuse for a payment/explosion of some kind by him. It’s YOUR birthday, so should be about what you want to enjoy, so you’re right to be unhappy. I remember a good chapter in Lundy Bancroft’s book about this, as my ex used to do similar to yours and give no time to prepare or get ready for things, causing anxiety and blow outs if I forgot something. Happy Birthday by the way x

[nbumblebee]

I know how this feels. On his bday i have to dress up do whatever he wants make a huge effort I hate it.
On mine he either ignores it I never get a card or gift or he asks someone to arrange something he knows i wont like and take all the credit. Then im expected to be so grateful in the bedroom.
I dread any special occasion he ruins the ones I look foward too so now Ive learned to keep my mouth closed. Its miserable sweetie its yet another tactic another way of them controlling us. Try and find something however small just for you on or near your birthday a coffee lunch with a friend something new that only you know about just a small thing just for you.
Happy Birthday xxxxx

[Wanttoleave]

Thank you for all your replies gosh it really helps so much to not feel alone! Sending hugs & strength to all of you too

[Crazydaisy]

I’m sorry to hear this too. Anyone who doesn’t respect your wishes or at least understand your lifestyle isn’t looking out for your best interests and the fact they live with you… for goodness sake how do they not get what you need to take care of!? I feel for you, I really do. It’s your special day too and a heads up for nice getaway isn’t too much to ask for. The front that they pull, “the doting, kind, loving partner” trust me, if they can’t keep that up for you, they can’t keep that up for anyone. I once forgot my own birthday, he questioned me like “I did it on purpose” but if we feel anxious around our own special days, that really says something, these men are just not loving and caring for us and in the end will be just a bad memory. In the event you do have a good birthday, do it for yourself… take yourself off, even if it’s for a coffee treat and a piece of cake… your self worth is more than what it sounds you are getting from him. I hope you are safe and well, I feel for you I truly do x

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