Birthday Blues

[BeautyMarked]

So (detail removed by moderator) my birthday. I was dreading this day. Thankfully, I’m back home with my family although they don’t really ‘get’ what I’ve been through and say unhelpful things like ‘move on’ and ‘get over it’ – it’s not nasty or malicious, just a lack of understanding. They care about me and don’t like to see me broken.

I have a beautiful son who is the absolute world to me. He means everything. If it wasn’t for him I dread to think what I would have done or how much worse I would feel. I am putting all my focus on him because I love him and that is getting me through. (detail removed by moderator) I have been in floods of tears as he was grumpy with me. It felt so rejecting. It’s pathetic of me to feel that way as he’s only a kid. He hasn’t wished me happy birthday or anything. I feel so hurt and angry at everything I’ve been through and to be greeted with grumpiness on this day was too much. It just reminds me of how poorly I was treated by that abusive person and his flying monkey. I don’t want to accept poor treatment anymore. I was very cross and said I can’t accept any more cruel behaviour and now I have upset my own son as he thinks I’m comparing him to a person that he knows has broken me. I hate myself because my son is worried about what I’ve been through and I worry he’s going to take it all upon himself. I’ve told him that nothing of what’s happened to me is in any way something he needs to worry about or feel he needs to take responsibility for. I’ve only asked that he try to think about his words and actions. He went to school upset and I’ve asked them to keep and eye on him.

I hate that this awful man has now affected even my wonderful family. His control is everywhere and I hate it. They also suffer because of him and I do not want the effects of his poisonous behaviour to seep into the life of my son because I’m hurting so much. I find myself calling out behaviours that are not ok and I think my son thinks I’m telling him he’s a bad person even though I try to explain why I’m calling out the behaviour. I hate that awful abusive person and what he’s done to me. I just want to hurt him back now and get justice. I want my University to take me seriously and for the Police to take me seriously. The psychological abuse is immense and I’m suffering so badly. I feel all alone and hopeless on my birthday, like there is nothing to look forward to because I should have been with the man the I loved. What a mess. Is there no end to this?

[Author]

Posts