Births : Tonight I remembered

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I remembered how shortly after our first baby was born (normal birth) my husband upset me so much by saying to me that the ”woman next door” to me in the delivery ward who happened to be one of the mums at the antenatal classes, had actually given birth without any help, no drug, no pethedine, nothing, my husband mocked my pain and my inability to cope with pain. He mocked my need for pain relief.
It was shocking to me to hear him say that. It was like saying you just couldn’t do it, you are useless and weak. He really was nasty in his tone and hugely mocking.
Then a few days later he mocked me in front of his mum saying that ”you will never know pain till you have ripped a muscle at body building”. His mum was shocked, her and I were simply talking about the birth pains most women experience and we were recounting our memories, our experiences. He suddenly blurted this horrible comment…
When I misscarried and I had to go into hospital to have a D&C to remove the residual placenta, I was talking to his mum who had come to help me with our child number x, and to look after me, and he told me to ”shut up” because I was obviously crying and telling her my stories, work, misscarriage, the lot. I was just upset and emotional. I was pouring my upsetting stories. His mum told him ”no, let her talk, it all needs to come out”.
When my first son was born, I prepared myself by reading books about pain management and all went so well. The midwife was amazed at how calm I was and how I seemed to go to sleep between contractions, appearing to be into a trance as I laboured, I could hear her comments and I did it all by myself. I had rejection feelings inside me against my husband for what he had said during my first birth, I never called for his help, I found him useless and I had to prove to him and to myself I could labour naturally. I did.
When I had an operation at the birth of baby number x, he was just as useless to my eyes. I can’t say why this baby was conceived, and his reasons for having another one were intolerable, come to look back. Long sad story involving another person who had died. I wanted another baby because I loved being a mum and I loved my children. But his reasons were shocking, I went along ignoring what he said.
One day, x weeks after the birth of baby number x, I asked my husband if, should I ever be seriously sick, he would realise he may need to take some time off work. It was just a sort of comment I was making, realising how serious it was now that we had x children to look after and it just frightened me to think that due to his job I would be left alone a lot of the time and I was fearing ever being very ill one day. He replied ”but I have got my b****y job!”, just like that, as callously as that.
All I wanted was to share my anxiety, to be told that of course he would take time off or organise for some help from the family members etc. I thought he would realise as I did, that having that many children meant we both had to support each other, just in case something serious happened, a broken arm, serious flue, anything that meant I could not physically look after my young children, let alone a new baby.
His attitude shocked me. Not one word of compassion, empathy, not even one ounce of realisation of the situation, of eventualities such as being medically incapacitated and needing help with my children, I just could not be wonderwoman! I just knew things could happen, but because I had dared question him, he went mad at me.

There have been numerous situations where I have had to ”digest” so many episodes of total lack of empathy, one of which lead to the death of one of his relatives. I have never forgotten what I heard, how he reacted, how he behaved, and mainly how he shocked me each time.

I could recount story after story, describing obvious signs of lack of empathy, compassion, feelings, a total absence of normal feelings. I have learned over the years not to share my feelings, to suppress them and to become two people in one : myself and the partner who should be supporting me, I am my own counsellor, my own advocate, my own friend and my own protector. I have learned to ignore he is even my husband, or the father of our children, because what I should expect from him just does not get delivered.

I see a counsellor weekly, booked as priority by my dv support worker, but even those counselling sessions lead me nowhere to be honest. I find them frustrating. There are decades of life with him to talk about, it is too long. How can you describe in peace what went on during those long years and the results this had on me, who it made me, how I coped, how resilient I became? She is amazed at how I appear, smiling, strong, equipped with so much strength and intelligent coping mechanisms. I have had my low moments, but each time I ride with the flow and emerge a stronger person. I can feel the strength, I can analyse it in its development and how each situation which affects me makes me grow in character. My counsellor told me she discussed my case with her supervisor and how she could not understand how strong I seemed to be, my whole appearance and reactions are armed with a strong wisdom and an amazing ability to find coping strategies. She knows my ”stories”, the ones noted during my first session, so most of them are missing. Most of it was not even spoken about, there was not enough time during the assessment. And does it matter? No.

But tonight I was watching One Born Every Minute and I remember how we didn’t even kiss when our children were born. It was surreal…And then I remembered his nasty comment, I had forgotten that story. It made me feel sad for a while. Just remembering moments like that…I quickly thought, don’t let it affect you tonight, it is not worth it.

I don’t believe in love, in trusting another human being, in sharing feelings, in investing oneself in someone else, in opening up, in expecting, in receiving, in giving. It is something I do with my children, but not with him. It only ever leads to pain by disappointment. The less you share, the less pain you feel, the more you recover from anything and everything. Divulging things about yourself makes you vulnerable. I now live as if he didn’t exist.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

And when I was recovering from my caesarean, that was the very first time he slapped my face. You just don’t forget moments like that.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Bridget, i’m sorry that you had these horrible things happen and then it all brought back following the TV programme. My experience is that men mainly are a disappointment and it is not possible for them to make you happy. I have been single for some months now and I am a million times happier than I was before, i’m not depending on another person fulfilling my emotional needs as I am doing that for myself, it seems to be the right thing to do. I hope that you feel better soon. X

[godschild]

Hi Bridget, I can really associate with this lack of care and compassion over female issues, I was vomiting for 5 months with my sons pregnancy and I got little care, I remember clearly, like you these occasions stick in our minds because it is the exact times that our husbands should be extra compassionate, my Husband was downnstairs chatting to my Dad up the hall , I was vomiting badly and they just carried in talking and i was alone upstairs.
Durng the birth of our daughter , my anxiety was very very bad due to the agoraphobia and being in hospital and he decided to go off and get a burger for himself and left me.
I suffered years and years of endometriosis with really heavy bleeding and pain which to me was worse than childbirth, he showed no care, i needed hot water bottles he would just bring it with his back to me and pass it backwards not even looking at me and the abuse at these times when i was feeling so ill was awful, he had no regard fo rhow I was feeling.
Now its menopause and im getting a lot of both physical and emotional issues and he when in a horrible mood calls it an excuse.
In fat any time i have been ill for what ever reason he always ends up after few days being so abusive. I had phneumonia and the GP instructed 6 weeks rest after she left he said , why cant you look after your f====== self.
I once had a very bad e coli water infection I was in agony sitting on the toilet and he stood yelling at me about my behaviour ie sitting on the toilet the only place I got any sort of releif.
They have zero compassion for us as Women. They feel piut out if we are no top t form all the time .After our so nwas born i suffered PND and he was not understandingat all , jhust put out then it went cyclical into severe PMT, we saw an expert privately in the end, my Dad paid. She told him the best ways to help me and take pressures off me at this time of the month, he did not take a blind bit if notice, he used to go round saying there was no need for my mood swings,so you are not alone in this it hurts so so much and I really empathise and sympathise with you in your memories ,they can be utter pigs to us. hugsxxxxx

[godschild]

Forgot to add that last night, he asked me if I thought I exaggerated things that he has done !!!!!!

[Serenity]

Yup.

He:

Left me dying of septicaemia in bed

Told me to wake him up in between contractions, as he didn’t want his sleep disturbed too much by my labour ( the confections were 15 minutes apart)

Made up a cruel name for my chronic illness, making fun of it

Got angry if I was tired or ill

Enjoyed making me over-exert myself and become exhausted

Refused to come to hospital with me to have my D&C or look after my eldest – so I had to take my eldest with me!

And:

If he was ever ill, then the whole world ground to a halt. He had a very keen sense of self-preservation.

[Author]

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