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I texted the police as I am planning on leaving today and nowI am a bit worried that they may show up even though there is currently no need to which may make the situation worse, I hope they don’t I’m being texted questions and answering with as much honesty as I can without causing them to come like its an emergency, I don’t want them to because I know my abuser will come after my family if he gets arrested especially as he isn’t currently angry,
am I being paranoid? -
so the police showed up and now we are arguing because he thinks I called them,
I did but I didn’t want them to show up, but I’m ready to leave this place now,
I am going to call a cab for tonight and get to my parents then hopefully the refuge has the spare room for me in the morning.
I told him they just showed up to check up on me due to him being arrested before, i just hate being around him, I’m tired of it now, I’m going tonight even if it kills me -
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I didn’t manage to leave, I’m such a wuss, I told him I was leaving I had all my stuff packed and he chocked me so I kneed him in the chest he scratched my arm and I pushed him off of me he kept trying to grab my phone and threw me about in the process but I didn’t give it to him. Then I told him he was a (detail removed by Moderator) and this is why I am leaving and he started crying and being all childlike it’s so evil to do that to me because he knows how much I care about children so he plays up on it and acts like a lost little boy, so I wussed out and said I would stay til the morning then in the morning I tried to et up without waking him but he woke up and was holding me tightly I just felt so guilty and I know I shouldn’t he acted like everything would be perfect from now on and he would change he’s so d**n manipulative it’s so evil! So now I’m still stuck here I’m too embarrassed to email the lady who was sorting out the refuge for me because she tried so hard to sort everything for me so quickly and I just chickened out. He hasn’t shown any intense signs of abuse yet just emotional abuse like insulting me and demeaning me but not to an extreme I’m just so sick of it! I’ve been hormonal and snappy all day because of my period and just wanting to leave him and he’s started saying I’m the abusive one! I can’t handle all of this how do I make life normal??? Like if your brain has been on high alert for years due to another person how do you calm down focus prioritise and think about yourself I don’t even know who I am ?? At least I used to be the loud annoying girl lol whereas now people who I gee up with see me and I’ve lost a stone in weight and dress like c**p and nearly always have tears in my eyes and give them fake smiles they look so shocked and it’s so embarrassing!!! Sorry to rant he’s asleep and I can’t sleep so I’ve been driving myself crazy
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Drowningmind, he sounds extremely abusive choking you, holding you down and throwing your phone, I hope you are ok. Can you ring the helpline to get some help to leave when he is not around? Also maybe you could email the refuge lady and explain what happened, it sounds like he physically stopped you from leaving using violence, threats then emotional manipulation. You are recognising that he is manipulating you which is good, you just need to take the final steps to breaking free safely which is not easy but you can do it with a good plan and support. You probably need to leave when he is not there so that he cannot physically hurt you or manipulate you into staying.
Remember the acronym FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt. This is what they use to keep us trapped. It’s not love, you deserve so much more.
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Hey sunshinerainflower thanks for replying I haven’t heard that acronym before but I like it, I don’t have any time where he goes out only alone when he goes into the shower, when I start to think about getting away my heart pumps and races and I feel like I’m having a panic attack, I am going too reply to the refuge lady today thanks x
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Hi drowningmind,
I am sorry to hear what you have been through, it sounds like a very frightening experience. Please don’t feel embarrassed about contacting the lady who was arranging refuge for you. Support is available for when you are ready to leave, and as already said leaving when he isn’t there and has no idea of your plan will be the safest way. Are you still able to go to your parents?
Keep posting to us when you can, we will always be here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Hey Lisa, I’m going to email the refuge lady today, I know I need to let her know what’s happening as she called my mum and seemed worried as she hadn’t heard from me.
I know it sounds silly to say but I never realised financial abuse was a thing until I googled about it I thought it was only abuse financially if the abuser had the money and wouldn’t allow the woman to have any whereas I feel trapped because he would be homeless without me.
I can’t call the helpline but I will continue to post when I can, I’ve been in a really bad depressive state lately I don’t want to go out in the sunshine because I feel like everyone will see me and I want to hide away and never go out or anywhere, I even ignored the landlord knocking on the door and texting and calling today. I can still go to my parents I just worry that he will show up at their house but everything worries me these days so I might as well see if I can live with my parents happily, thanks for replying x
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Hi Lovely
welldone for reaching out to us ladies on here again, that itself takes strength. Im glad you are contacting thelady at refugue again, dont worry about feeling e,mbrassed tehu know how hard it is for us to leave, its good u can see this abuse, make another attempt to leave but this time do not tell him as you know he does the pretend crocodile tears and use force to stop u leaving . You can do this
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Hey, thanks for replying, I know that’s gunna be the part i find hard – not telling him but I know it’s for the best, the refuge lady said she would give me information to give to him about help with homelessness so that I feel less obliged to take care of him and I can’t stand his fake tears!! I defo won’t tell him next time and thank you for always giving me good advice you really help me keep my will strong x
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Hi Hun
Sorry for my spelling mistakes in my last post, sometimes dont notice till later. Glad u made contact with the refuge, please continue reaching out for support , i know the guilt kills us as we are such kind hearted people , this is why they target us too. Please listen to me and the others when i say you have to play them at their own game. The minute they sense you are going to leave, just deny blank where are u going to go . Slowly start removing your stuff out of the house, hope you have someone that can store for u, if not just pre pack things and hide around the house, i practically had packed in suit cases and stored as normal. Always have on emain emergency bag if essentials should u have to leave suddenly and have paperwork copied and maybe post to your parents house addressed to yourseslf. I told my ex when i was feeling low im thinking of leaving, all he did was up the abuse and threatened daily to throw me out
When i finally was ready i just acted normal through the nasty period and odd nice period, good luck hun , have a pre date planned-
hey, Thanks and I will, its true I have to play games like his to keep myself safe, The refuge woman told me I can leave whenever I want and I don’t need to feel obliged to help him and its true, I need to think of good places to hide my suitcases around the house probably behind the big freezer will work, and I need to put together my emergency bag today I got it all disorganised amongst my other things when I rushed packing last time, Its true I need to pretend that everything is normal so I can get away without any threats or intimidation, I’ll make my pre-date the 15th june so its halfway through the month and he will still have time to sort out housing before the month ends, thank you, I’ll let you know what is happening and keep updating on the website x
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thanks for your well wishes, I left earlier today when he was in the shower, I cleaned the room we rent and the dishes and put fresh sheets on the bed and decided that if when I was finished cleaning he wasnt out the shower I needed to go. I told myself earlier that the next time he showered I would leave, I thought it would be tomorrow but it was this evening at around (detail removed by Moderator), so I packed my stuff up and cleaned and he wasnt out so I left.
i walked to my mums house, I was really panicky and nervous that he would be behind me or follow me but he wasnt and he didnt.
after about (detail removed by Moderator) of being at my parents, I was sitting (detail removed by Moderator)trying to call 101 but they never picked up and I saw him across the road he whistled to try and get my attention so I hid (detail removed by Moderator) I looked out on the (detail removed by Moderator) and he had jumped over a neighbours fence and ran around to the front of the house, so i went to the front part (detail removed by Moderator) and he was across the road looking at me, I got an answerphone message from him (detail removed by Moderator) saying (detail removed by Moderator) Im going to change my phone number tomorrow.
it feels weird at the moment but I am going to stay strong and force myself to heal, im going to do normal things that normal people do, like go to the gp and get some anxiety medication and get a new referral to the mental health place I was attending and help my mum at the church and go to the gym and go to job interviews, Im really excited and relived to be living for myself again. its gunna be hard at first but I know I am strong enough to do it, thank you all for your support you helped me gain the motivation and strength to just walk away and stop making excuses for him, thank you! x*x
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Well done drowningmind, you did it! I’m really pleased for you. Don’t let him talk you into going back though – be aware he may go all pathetic and say things like he can’t live without you, you’ve broken his heart, he’ll change etc. All designed to get you to go back so he can continue controlling you.
Keep posting x
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Very well done Drowningmind for getting away! As Relieved said, you just need to be on your guard now because a lot of them try every trick in the book to reel you back in at this stage. If you look up Hoovering in google it will give you lots of examples of what they try ie texts saying they are worried about you, threats of suicide, angry texts threatening you, threatening to make up accusations, the usual ‘I love you and am heartbroken’ texts etc etc. None of it is true, it’s all just manipulation but can be very confusing in the early stages.
Also, put security as your number one priority. There is a thing called The Sanctuary Scheme where you can get special locks for windows, doors and postboxes. My DV outreach worker told me about it, its run by local councils and is free. Make sure doors are locked at all times and that your friends, family and neighbours know not to let him in the house. Change your number and block him on everything. Recovery starts now. xx
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Well done drowningmind on leaving your abusive relationship. In my opinion leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things to do in life. You did it! You took the action! Now to stay away and resist the pressure subtle or severe he will put on you to get back into the abusive relationship. You have stopped the cycle of abuse and the victim is the only one who can do this. Now he will want that merry go round of abuse started again and he may try to establish contact with you directly or indirectly. So as other ladies said block him, go No Contact with him. Gather as many supports around you as you need. This Forum and Women’s Aid.
The aftermath of leaving can be tough on your emotions so post as often as you need. I have been through it and it does get easier. The main thing is to stop the cycle of abuse and you’ve done that by leaving.
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Hi drowningmind,
Well done for leaving. It must have taken so much courage to walk out of the door. Lean on all of the support around you and try to give yourself time to recover from the abuse. You are doing brilliantly!
Keep posting to us when you need to, we will always be here to support you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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