Bit confused and embarrassed

[Plod]

Hi there

I am a bit confused about something and also really ashamed to ask. I hope it doesn’t offend or upset anyone.
Is it abuse if you sort of consented? My relationship recently ended. My partner and I had a bdsm relationship where he was dominant and I liked the idea of being submissive. The reality was, in a nutshell, is that he is sadistic, controlling and also very unpredictable and emotionally withholding. I was (am?) very in love with him and I accepted that he wanted to hurt me physically because he enjoyed it and I wanted to please him but now it’s over I feel very confused and I wonder if actually it was very abusive because I really didn’t enjoy being hurt and would have rather had the love without the pain. I just don’t know. I’m sorry to ask I feel so stupid. There just isn’t anyone else for me to ask or talk to about it.

[KIP.]

Hi there. In law you cannot consent to be hurt by someone so I’d talk to the police about what he did to you. He must have known he was hurting you. That’s not love. Rape crisis have a great helpline you can talk to someone there. You can also contact your local women’s aid. Please don’t feel stupid or embarrassed, my ex had me convicted of the most ridiculous things to do with sex that now I’m away from him I realise he was simply lying and manipulating to get his own way x

[Plod]

Yes, he did know he was hurting me, that was the point, and I had quite a lot bruising at first. I feel like I must have lost my marbles to let this go on. I think I better talk to Women’s Aid. Thanks Kip.

[WalkerInTheRain]

BDSM activities, whilst based on power play, should always have enthusiastic consent and absolute trust.
The things to examine would be if you were ever badgered and coerced into doing things you’d said you weren’t comfortable with, safe words were used and not listened to or if you were taken past pre-agreed limits. Also, if you ever expressed discomfort, was this listened to or denied and minimised?
If they’ve done any of these things, what they have done isnt right.

[Plod]

There was never absolute trust. It was always unbearably uncomfortable but I just thought it would get better or change and I believed him when he said he needed to do it and needed me. I felt very special, until I didn’t. I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.

[KIP.]

*‘Convinced not convicted.

abuse makes us feel crazy. Crazy making behaviour from an abuser. You can bet he was abusing you in other ways too. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x

[Plod]

Yes, emotional abuse. When I challenged it he ended the relationship and I was made homeless. I am living somewhere safe now but it’s been a difficult month since the breakup.

[litanies]

Hi!

I am a sadomasochist. If domestic abuse is present, a consensual power exchange is not possible. In a well-managed consensual power exchange, there must be a deep and proactive respect for the boundaries and wills of participants. In other words, the opposite of abuse. Abuse can sometimes masquerade as BDSM on the surface, but a closer look should reveal its true nature.

[ISOPeace]

Hi Plod. I don’t know about the legal side but I think that if there is control and emotional abuse in the relationship and therefore a general sense of fear of not doing what he wants then it is abuse even if you consented at the time. So many of us have gone along with sex to keep the peace. It may not legally be rape (I don’t know) but it’s not ok and it’s emotionally damaging. If he didn’t know you didn’t really want to do it, to me that speaks of someone who is oblivious of your feelings at best or even doesn’t care. I don’t know anything about BDSM but from what others have said, if your feelings aren’t a high priority to your partner, it’s either because he’s abusive and knowingly taking advantage of you or abusive through ignorance of the dynamic.

I think anyone in your position would feel violated and confused. Having your feelings ignored or invalidated is incredibly painful when you want love and respect from the other person. It seems like you gave him so much of yourself and he never appreciated or acknowledged it. When I say that it really sounds like abuse.

Saying he needed you and making you feel special sounds like part of the grooming part of an abusive relationship. You are not stupid. Everyone on here has been through something similar i.e. they were sucked into something that wasn’t healthy for them by somebody who manipulated them. Feeling stupid I think has a lot to do with society thinking you just leave an abusive relationship. In reality, we minimise the abuse to survive and so it usually takes a while before we even know it’s abuse. By then we’re sucked into believing it’s all our fault and the abuser knows exactly how to manipulate us into subservience. And we don’t even know that’s what’s happening because we’ve been brainwashed to believe we’re to blame and if we just did what he said things would be ok. I would recommend reading up on abuse to better understand and make sense of what you’ve been through. I definitely don’t feel so ashamed about being stuck in an abusive relationship since reading about trauma bonding and Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

Sending love xxxx

[Author]

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