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    • #9095
      Confused123
      Participant

      So ladies who know me I have moved away, thought was moving on but now my eldest is abusing me , can’t belwive I’m in this situation again , is basically saying if he doesn’t get his way he will hurt me , my only option is to now pass him onto social services , but I can’t make that call , I have a ex b in law in London who is offering support to guide my eldest on right path , he is away for three days so will have to wAit for him to return , am just in tears , my son says this is result of not walking away at beginning and taking abuse , this is what happens to children so now I need to deal with it. He says I can’t stop him seeing his dad. My head is all over place as his not supposed to be talking to his dad while police investigations r going on , I’m so stupid I can’t even report that …feel like I’m switching off , all I wanted do is work hard and raise money to divorce this ex and of mine, but eldest is just making me switch off, at this rate I won’t be able to work cause I can’t think straight , I feel so embrassed …. Lol and I was saying last week to someone I want to give d v awareness so this cycle stops , I can’t even help myself never mind any one else

    • #9098
      Savingmyself
      Participant

      Hey Hun
      Can you send him to stay with his uncle
      You need a break from the abuse . You are not alone in this it is very common
      My child blames me and not the abuser too
      Don’t accept it it’s not ok
      Call the helpline and see what they suggest
      Big hugs to you x*x

    • #9099
      Ayanna
      Participant

      What if you scare the boy and tell him that social services already know what he does and they consider speaking to the police about his behaviour?
      My adopted son tried to rape me long time ago. I could not report him either. But I made him homeless and cut all contact forever.
      Whatever happened, children need to respect their parents. There is no excuse for abuse. (Removed by moderator).  Let at least a friend know about this, just in case if anything happens to you. The boys are dangerous nowadays, since we are not allowed to rectify their behaviour anymore. Also speak to RIGHTS OF WOMEN. Use their call back function. They will be able to advise you.

    • #9100
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Confused123

      My heart goes out to you, my children blame me and not their father. Every day my son becomes more like his father it hurts beyond belief, but I stand up to him and say no, he hasn’t hit me and I know if he does I will have to make the call to the police.

      I hope in time he will sort himself out but its out of my control there nothing I can do to reach him.

      Just remember your a good mum, and I lovely lady.

      Stay strong

      FSxx

    • #9104
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hello Ladies

      Thxs for replies, his uncle wont have up, will work wth me but wont let him stay with him, have told him police will be involved and he will end up in social services as he clearly cant respect me or my rules, says his doesnt care but if i even attempt to call police threatens to smash my phone, long term i can see this is what will happen, just hope he doesnt hurt me in process, how can i make him homeless if he wont leave the house, even if he does on retunr he would prob kick door down which i cant afford to replace and no dont have building insurance or content insurance due to my finacial situation, if i lose my job i dread to think how id survive, im going to see a support worker on monday i think my appointment is, his uncle will be (removed by moderator) as he traves out for work , am just biting my tongue to kill time till then, dont even think social services will get involved till i call police, or maybe im wrong, my head is such a blur, why is it my son saved me from the ex killing me that night and now he wants to do same to me, i dont know what to say when he says this is the effect when u dont leave and made us see the violence, have said his dad was in wrong for been violent but he blames me for not been strong enough to walk out, obviously forgottem when he used to say not leaving dad u go on own, i couldnt leave him behind , maybe he does this cause i am weak

    • #9112
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi confused 123,

      No your son’s not doing this because you’re weak. He’s doing this because… he’s in contact with his dad.

      You’re feeling like you do, mind and emotions in a mess, life unmanageable (finding it hard to work) because you’re having indirect contact with your abuser (via your son).

      Your husband is using your son like a weapon to hurt you. Thats the way my abuser hurts me now. I’m total no contact directly with my abuser, so the only way he can continue to hurt me, (upset) me is via my children (his bad influence on them, causing them to act out and me react), and financially (which doesn’t bother me).

      Don’t play into your abuser’s hands. He (your abuser) wants to cause a rift between you and your son. I know it is hard when your son flings words around that he will hurt you. But (and I could be wrong), have one sentence maybe ‘why are you speaking to me like that? Or why are you threatening me like that? Or why are you shouting?. Then leave it at that, don’t mention police, etc. I had to stop taking their phones and applying sanctions to my kids as it just made a bad situation worse and it played into my abuser’s hands big-time. He was delighted we were at loggerheads while he sat bad innocently proclaiming ‘nothing to do with me’ yet it was him all the time behind the scenes influencing, and working on the kids with his manipulations.

      I could be wrong but that is my experience.

    • #9117
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      If I ask why is he speaking rudely like that he just says cause I messed his life up by making him see the violence , I never walk out quick enough , even if I say I walk out in end its not good enough , he just think he has right to hurt me and shows no remorse

    • #9118
      Confused123
      Participant

      And yes your right by chatting with his dad they do have negative reaction , I just hope tommrow is better day , today has been a wasted day no work completed I actually just can’t think or focus

    • #9119
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Confused,

      I can’t believe what I am hearing! Or should I say, of course I can believe it.

      This is the pattern. Our kids see us abused for years by our ex. When we leave, and the ex steps up his manipulation of them, they are scared to stand up to him ( can’t remember which lady it was on here, but they said they are terrified the abuser will direct his abuse onto them, so they almost try to- or subconsciously- keep the roles going that were evolved within the abusive family set-up- you as the victim, and they exhibit copy cat behaviour/ learned behaviour from him, maybe even as a way of coping.

      Change and facing reality is painful. Even though abuse is very destructive painful, sometimes if those are all the structures you’ve known, you don’t know how to live differently. Something non- abusive seems something out of your reach. You never had normal, so you don’t know how to act as normal. Maybe there is a bit of that with him.

      I think your eldest has a lot of anger and confusion within him. He knows what his dad did, but he almost doesn’t want it to be true. He is holding on to some remote dream that his dad will turn out normal and nice.

      As he is living at a distance from his dad, it is easier for him to forget the bad reality and try to idealise his dad more than he deserves. Plus, his dad is probably saying things to surreptitiously get him to disrespect and abuse you.

      After I had my initial period of breakdown, I then had to begin to fake strength in front of my kids. I am sure that my ex was interrogating them about how I was, and when or if he heard I was displaying any weakness, he would somehow use this to get the kids to abuse me.

      Plus, kids slip into roles. If they see you as a victim, they will slip into the role of abuser more easily.

      You have given your eldest so many chances.

      I think you need to now fake strength if you don’t feel it, and say enough is enough. Tell him he is only welcome there if he treats you with respect, end of. You have had enough of this treatment.

      I know they’ve been through a hell of a lot. But one of the best bits of advice I got was to treat the kids as normally as possible. Don’t let them get away with things you wouldn’t let them get away with if this thing hadn’t happened. I have boys like you, and am so worried about nipping any abuse in the bud, as I don’t want them becoming abusive husbands.

      Our abusers thrive on isolating us. Domestic abuse thrives by being carried out behind closed doors and within four walls. In the early days, when my boys began mimicking his behaviour, I vowed I would not let them think that they could act in ways thinking that no one would ever know.
      I wanted to break that pattern of secrecy.

      I called the Children’s Services and asked for an crisis intervention worker to visit from the Early Crisis team. She came to the house to check all was ok, and to meet the boys.

      This wasn’t a social services referral: it was me voluntarily asking for crisis intervention,and it wasn’t made into a SS referral.

      I thought it would do the kids good to know I had back up if their behaviour got out of control ( they were angry and traumatised). That I would to stand for being abused. I think it really helped. They knew I wasn’t alone and vulnerable- I had people on my side.

      The kids weren’t wrong to feel angry- they were traumatised- but they had to be encouraged to channel their anger in healthy ways, rather than themselves turn into abusers x*x

    • #9120
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      When I say ask him ‘why questions’, its not really to get the answers. To me its a new technique I’m learning with people who are behaving unacceptably towards me, usually verbally.

      It goes like this:

      Person puts me down or child is shouting at me.
      Me: Why are you shouting?
      Child: Because you are a b***h.
      Me: I see.

      Then I leave the room.

      Scenario no.2.

      Friend puts me down, (verbal putdown)

      Me: Why are you calling me that or saying that about me?

      Friend: Because that’s what you are!!!

      Me: I see.

      Sounds mad, but this works better for me than getting ‘into’ it with them. Or just saying nothing and feeling hurt.

      Its their stuff. Its their issues.
      I feel this way, I leave it with them. Now I may need to review my friendship and take a step back from them if they are going to continue with their shouting, their putdowns of me etc.

      But this way gives the control back to me.

      Just an idea. I’m experimenting all the time too in dealing with ‘challenging behaviours’ of others towards me.

      Progress not perfection, one day at a time, small steps that’s all we can do.

      We didn’t cause the abuse, we couldn’t (and still can’t totally control it) and we can’t cure it (abusers and the people they have under their spell). We’re all doing the best we can in a very difficult situation.

      And Confused, I too like you stayed with my abuser for just under 2 decades, yes it would have been less damaging for my children if I had left sooner) but I did the best I could in a very difficult situation. I’m only human and I didn’t ever in my wildest imagination think that the person I’d marry would end up being an abuser.

      I think I’ve been very brave to leave when I did. My poor father who is now dead, never left. I am the first one on 2 sides of the families (abusers and mine) to confront the abuse by leaving, and its come down through both families for generations.

      So well done to you Confused, and me and all the other ladies on here. Confronting abuse (facing it) is an ugly business and not for the faint-hearted.

    • #9123
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi ladies I have been reading and reading again what u r all saying, at moment I’m not talking with him and have told him it’s cause of disrespect his showing , whether his reflection I don’t know , is giving me my space , just came up to me to tell me his going out with a friend who’s moving down from our old town , told him I disapprove of friend , not that his listening , then to add icing to cake his told me his dad has called him , I have chosen to give no response .i mean have told him not to communicate but he continues so am
      Not going to keep repeating myself , am going to make a coffee and attempt my paperwork ,

    • #9125
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Our children go through a lot living in an abusive household, perhaps more than we realise. My son is certainly struggling to make sense of everything. He has been given mixed messages about what is right and wrong, and mixed messages in how you treat the people you love. I have started to read a book by the great Lundy Bancroft called ‘When Dad hurts Mom’ As you’d expect it is a really great book and it looks like it will offer some real insight into what are children are feeling and how we can help them cope and heal. You are doing a great job and keep setting those boundaries xx

    • #9126
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Well done. Focus on you and your life and what needs sorting. Try not to give him a reaction. Your son is trying to push your buttons (your son’s buttons probably being pushed by his abuser dad).

      Remember your abusers main aim is to upset you, (or put you in fear or hurt you). Remember Serenity’s analogy about being a graceful swan. Get all your upset out with us (but give the appearance of detachment and indifference).

      This too will pass.

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