blaming me!

[beanyboo22]

Good morning ladies,I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m so confused. He accused me of flirting with the shop keeper,told me I smiled at him. Then as we went to bed,he blew his top again,hr said I’m ignoring him,I’m using him,I make him feel worthless but then went on to tell me I’m a s**g,I sleep with people while he took kids to school even though I had children home with me,that at a recent hospital appointment I took a young child so the child couldn’t tell him what id been upto. He got really mad and started punching the wall and has left dents in the wall. He was completely out crazy but then while I was listening to him,I started to think was it my fault for not making conversation with him? But I don’t like talking to him when he drinks as I know exactly what is going to happen so I keep myself protected by not speaking so he can’t pick at me. I’m really confused right now.

[katielove]

Unfortunately that is how abuse makes you feel: confused. It is designed that way as otherwise we wouldn’t put up with it for so long!You do not deserve this treatment – it is not loving, kind, sharing or how a relationship should be. Perhaps you should try and talk to someone at Woman’s Aid for some advice x

[beanyboo22]

I don’t know if I have done something stupid. Yesterday I was feeling down and browsing online and came across a number I could text to a domestic violence unit at the police. So I texts them and asked for advice,they told me I should definitely report the abuse I’m suffering and then u got a msg from a duty social worker who the police had rang concerned about me. I told her I was ok just feeling rubbish and so fed up. Now my own social worker is ringing me tomorrow to arrange a appointment. But now I feel silly,as he hasn’t been that bad for past day or so. What should I do,please help me.

[fridges]

Hello, beanyboo, in the situation you are in now, it is normal to be confused and you constantly blaming yourself. The abusers put on us blame, to take the attention away from their wrong doings. They want that our attention is on something else, so we will not figure it out, what is done to us, the abuse, damage, mistreatment.
With me – I was constantly brainwashed, manipulated, feeling bad, and my attention was taken away by example of the attempts of coming suicide when I was refusing to see him, bringing me to the emotional edge, like now I’m going to the shop and getting the poison, and I will drink it all. As you are nasty b***h, refusing to see me. This was all to bring make not stable, upset, worried, panic attacks, self blame. When for him this was a perfect opportunity to drug me in to the contact with him again, as I was feeling responsible if he will kill himself. I’m sure he would never killed himself, it is just total blackmail on my emotions.
It is very good what you have done, called to the police. Only when you will be out, reading information on the site, talking to the therapist, talking to other women who escaped, you will realise the extend what was done to you.
Do not look how he feels. Look how you feel, try to connect with yourself, rely on your feelings. During the abusive relationship we are so obsessed to understand the abuser and his feelings, and all focus to make him good, that we are becoming totally disconnected with ourself.
He is only good for some time, but then it becomes again very very bad, now it is the phase, to make you believe his behaviour is over, to make you stay in this relationship.
Some abusers can even give the gifts, they are not every day bad, and he can be very sweet guy, but it is all fake. It is done to distract you from his real personality and then it all start all over again.

[Borntobefree]

Hi beany
He’s emotionaly abusing you …my ex did this … The blame lies with the abuser it’s not you it’s a reflection of him . I later found out when I left him …he was cheating on me throughout my relationship ..get some help from your local women’s aid ..the abuse gets much worse ..you are worth more x

[KIP.]

This man chooses to abuse you. It’s nothing you are doing. Abusers always move the goal posts and abuse us anyway. They just hide behind some made up excuse. Google Gaslighting. Or cycle of abuse. Ring the helpline. Talk to your social worker. Take all the help offered x

[Author]

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