Blaming Myself

[determined survivor]

I know what happened to me isn’t my fault, but I am blaming myself for everything. I have had no contact with the guy for several months, but I struggle with urges to contact him and apologize for everything. I have had to contact a close friend to prevent me from contacting the guy. How did you stop blaming yourself?

[Serenity]

This was one if the hardest bits for me.

I know some abusers go through the repeated cycle of being abusive and then apologising, but mine never, ever apologised! He would never do that, as I see now it would be giving his power away.

So, I ended up apologising even for things he did wrong. I think this is what kept me there: it kind of became engraved in my brain that I was imperfect and needed to try harder!

Even when he behaved in a way that caused me to get an injunction, I still felt full of self-blame.

Even now, I have moments where I am overly-aware of how imperfect I feel. But on the whole, I can now see the relationship for what it was. One of his control, cruelty, dishonesty and using others for his own ends.

But it took time to truly realise this. It takes months, as you reflect and come to terms with things, the traumatic bonding which binds you to this unhealthy person lessens its grip, ever so slowly.

Continue talking it out and reaching out for support. The truth of the matter will dawn on you slowly- I think the brain only allows us to process things bit by bit, maybe as a protective mechanism. And don’t believe his lies that if is all your fault: abusers always project blame and never take responsibility. Even those who apologise are doing it as part if the a usive cycle and as a tactic. They aren’t able to be truly self-reflective and self-critical like us.

[Herindoors]

I am struggling with this at the moment and working it through with my counsellor. So the logical part of me knows that I was not to blame and his behaviour was the issue. Problem is that the logical part of me also ‘knows’ that if I had behaved differantly I might have been able to manage his moods, tempers and violence etc…
There is a part of me that understands that I couldn’t have managed him and that I shouldn’t have to but….I can’t quite let go of the feeling that I was somehow to blame, because of my behaviour.
My counsellor is taking me right back to childhood and showing me that in my subconcious, because of stuff that happened back then (not even really ‘bad’ stuff, just stuff!) that I take the blame for everything that goes on around me.
I am not there yet, but I am beginning to understand myself better, give myself a break and not blame myself for absolutley everything.
If you can get counselling I would highly recommend it x*x

[determined survivor]

Serenity,

My abuser never apologized either. I have been working towards accepting that apology I never received, but it isn’t easy. It’s good to know that it does get easier with time. I have only just recently started talking about it with a mentor of mine. Before that I never said a thing about the abuse to anyone, although I had one person, who worked for the university, tell me she thought it was an abusive relationship after she found out more about the situation. Even then, it took her time to help me see it and I still struggle to see it some days. Talking with someone I know is the best I can do right now. I know people say counseling is helpful, but right now that isn’t an option for me.

I feel like it is going to be like this forever. I am always acutely aware of how imperfect I am, and my self-confidence is little to none. It helps to know that as I come to terms with everything I have been through I will blame myself less and less.

[Confused123]

Its part of our kind caring nature to think they couldn’t of possibly done that,it must of been us. But truth is it was them, part of us go into denial rather then admit truth, talk to support agencies that work with d v victims the will guide u with right support and tell u of workshops to help u understand what happened . have u done the freedom program yet , get counselling that help me loads and was part of my recovery process

[Ayanna]

After I fled I wrote down everything about the relationship, all about his behaviour towards me, all the violence and abuse. I described everything in detail. I keep these writings in a folder. Everytime I feel weak I read that.

[Author]

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