9th June 2016 at 12:56 pm #18841SnowflakesParticipant
Ive put some background in my previous post in the “is it abuse” forum so I won’t repeat that here.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can help my husband to see how his opinions are wrong???? I was wondering about if there was a book he could read that might help as he might recognise his actions in there?
Currently he thinks my perceptions have changed because my friends ive been talking too have been poisoning my mind. Actually my opinions have changed after talking in the dv helpline and reading two books. Power and control; and why does he do that? And I’ve realised I’ve been being abused for years without even knowing
I can recognise his opinions or actions in nearly every page
He is being quite considerate at times and sometimes trying to change but he can’t actually recognise a lot of the problems.
He’s stopped hitting and name calling but the underlying attitudes are still there just being manifest in more subtle ways now.
Yesterday we were talking and he openly admitted a comment he’d made was to make me feel bad because be thought it would be funny and he can see that it wrong and said sorry. But in the next breath he said (detail removed by moderator) everyone else is wrong
Most grateful if anyone has had any success in their partner agreeing to go on a program and how they did it.
Or are there any books men can read that are helpful in this situation.
9th June 2016 at 3:06 pm #18845godschildParticipant
Hi snowflakes, I have been trying for decades to get mine to read books and/or attend a perpertrator course. Lundy Bancroft in his book gives a good list to see if he is really changing, so check that out as often they change abusive behaviours to look better. Or stop the abuse for a short while to make you think they have changed only for it to return again they can be very crafty in how they deal with it all
There is a web site called (detail removed by moderator), mine signed up and then started to call them allsorts, if any of this is removed by moderator I will pm you the details.
Mine read I think a few pages of lundy bancroft and other books and then starts to call them all sorts of names etc.
Not many men do change it takes a lot of hard work and they must come out of denial of what they are doing, this does not mean saying they are sorry or sweet words with no substance it means knuckling down and taking responsibility fully and accepting how you feel about what has happened as I say not many do but on this site the men support each other and some do come out of denial. (detail removed by moderator) say the men have to read certain books before then can be fully accepted on the site, they very much use Patricia Evans books and some men who do read it see the truth as they read it others dont.
There is also respect , just google that they reccomend accredited courses over the country for perpertrators , he can have an half an hour call with them for free and they will tell him where to access the courses, they are not free unless cafcass is involved and there are children involved
I have two book by american men who did totally change in the end they are Christian men and the one now runs a place to help perpertrators and families affected in American and the other one is also a part of it, the books are The silent killer of marriage by Austen James, he puts his e mail address at the end of the book I did E Mail him and he said many men stay in denial even after the course which is 18 months but some do change, the other book is by Paul Hegstrom called angry men and the women who love them.
I think we all live in hope that the men will change but most dont, I still hope on and off but see no evidance at all of genuine just the cycle of abuse, nicer then horrible, hope this helps please feel free to pm me is you want to know more x
9th June 2016 at 3:29 pm #18847SaharaDParticipant
They don’t change. I only know of three and all of them had their partners, wives etc leave for years! You can’t talk him into it. Don’t waste your time energy and emotional strength on him. Use it to get out so you and the kids can live a happier life. Him shoving them is child abuse!
My abusive husband went on a perpetrator programme and did not change. In fact some become more msnipulative and exchange abusive notes.
10th June 2016 at 6:42 am #18881KIP.Participant
Hi there, are you in touch with your local women’s aid? His behaviour won’t change but you can change yours. Women’s aid can help you with that. If he doesn’t know how to behave in a decent non abusve way by now, he never will. They behave that way because it gets results for them. They get control.
Don’t waste your energy on him. Look after yourself because he’s proved he can’t ❤️
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