Boundaries

[anotherlife]

I got out of an abusive marriage several years ago. It left me with bad anxiety, which I struggle with every day. The reason for my post though is that I thought I was improving a bit this year, and am in some ways, but somehow I hadn’t realised how much I’d let my boundaries, which were almost non existent, how I’ve let them slip and today I can hardly believe how much. We have children and when he was awful they were younger, but he’s slowly drawn my eldest in and by not being difficult with me and being ‘helpful’ with him and my other child with arrangements (only because he’s happy himself and it suits), I hadn’t realised how he’s tried creeping in, even though he has a girlfriend, so that he can text or call me regarding them, by pretending to Co parent and put them first. I’ve been calm and polite for a long time, to just keep him from being angry and keep him away & any impact on the children.
I feel stupid but I hadn’t noticed, if it was a friend, I’d have said something a long time ago. But my family think that as he’s being polite and in the children’s interests etc, that it’s ok. I speak to him on doorstep if drops my eldest off, I’ve just got sucked in and controlled. He actually asked for a quick chat with them (detail removed by moderator), all of us together, to talk regarding (detail removed by moderator), I agreed but as it was (detail removed by moderator) (we still own house together until sold), he said I’ll just come in (detail removed by moderator). He was being friendly but I know very well what he was doing by intruding on my personal space and home. When one of then is unwell, I end up messaging him. He sat next to me (detail removed by moderator) for our child in the summer, I felt sick but didn’t move, I could actually smell him. I can’t believe I’ve let it all slide, all the advice from the women’s aid groups I attended, all the years of groups while I was scared and hiding from him, so much knowledge gained and time starting to heal. I though I felt anxious yesterday as one of my children was unwell, but I’ve realised exactly what is going on. When I get anxious, I hardly leave home and I’m like that again. My youngest is very similar in temperament to the dad, and though not keen on him and sees his faults, is taking on some of his abusive traits, it’s been happening for years.
Advice ladies? I know I need to cut back contact and never let him near me again. Should I look at doing power to change again maybe? Or call the helpline? I just don’t know where to start, to start again. I was starting to do so much better but today I’m painfully anxious, shaking while writing this, looking out the window like I used to incase his car goes by, which I know it won’t,but it’s those habits creeping back in.
I thought I could see him for what he is, and I can, I don’t trust or like or have feelings for any part of him or his character,but I let me guard down somehow. I honestly feel so stupid.

[Hawthorn]

Please don’t beat yourself up. These men are experts at manipulation and worming their way in where they’re not wanted. Vaccines require boosters so we can maintain immunity to disease, and it sounds as though you could do with a boost of support to manage this situation.

Try not to doubt yourself. What your family and others think about him being polite really isn’t important. You know him and recognise what he’s up to, so be proud of yourself for that. Perhaps reaching out to your local women’s aid for a bit of additional support might be helpful? And keep reaching out here, sorry to be so brief but my heart went out to you sitting by the window worrying. You got out. You are safe in your home. Could you do something nice for yourself like pop out for a nice coffee or tea and cake?
Or just try a mindfulness meditation or grounding exercise? There’s some good things on youtube.

Take care and sending a really big hug xx

[Whyohwhy]

Don’t feel stupid, I often find myself wondering what it was like before and was it really so bad (I think my brain keeps trying to delete all the bad stuff) I then start to feel sorry for him and that I owe it to him to be kind. I am thinking of writing down all the bad things when they pop up in my head, when something triggers a bad memory. So that on my weak days I can read it and remind myself why I don’t want to get in his car when I am alone, why I keep him on the doorstep. It’s really hard when there’s continuing contact because of children, it denies us the clean break we need. I have been reading the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, it’s really helpful. Don’t be too hard on yourself, just start building those walls again.

[iliketea]

Hey don’t feel stupid, you’ve come a long way and if you’re physically reacting in that way then its your body sending you that signal you don’t feel safe and you’ve got to do something. So, that’s a good thing, everything is working how it should be. So easy to happen with these types of people, creeping back in and trying to take advantage. Its a form of PTSD, c-PTSD, have you had any therapy surrounding that? You could contact your GP and explain, or self-refer to Talking Therapies, I was assessed really quickly when I mentioned the words “domestic abuse”, and start soon with CBT. Or look for a Trauma Informed Therapist who will be able to understand the impact of trauma, and how it can have this affect years after, especially when you feel mentally you have moved on and life has moved on. Self care number one too. Really really pamper yourself right now, you need to be looking after yourself when you feel vulnerable.
Yes, call the helpline and check in and talking it out will help to find a way forward, I am sure they will have some good suggestions. Could you do the Freedom Project locally to where you live, that will help too to remind you of the way they operate, and how easy it is for this to happen. I’ll keep thinking, stay strong and don’t be hard on yourself, you’re fine, totally natural normal reaction to trauma. x*x

[iliketea]

There is an amazing woman who does a course on Boundaries,  (detail removed by moderator). She’s phenomenal. I learnt things I had no idea about to do with Boundaries, she has a book coming out soon too about them. xx

[ISOPeace]

I actually think you deserve a big pat on the back for recognising what’s happening. Don’t underestimate how manipulative abusers are. He’s fooled people around you but you’ve worked it out for yourself. I’m also guilty of letting things slip for an easy life. I could use the same advice as you. One thing I found helpful was a book called Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship. I think I need to read it again. xxxx

[anotherlife]

Thank you ladies, for all your kind & supportive replies. I had no idea I’d be caught off guard the way I was, but now I’m switched on and it’s not happening anymore. I kept telling myself this week that I’m not scared of him, but the actual reality if different and it’s all still in there.
So I need to reset some boundaries, though my (detail removed by Moderator) year old is an absolute nightmare & it’s hard to think of any day when she’ll be better, she’s so like him. It’s hard to know what’s just teenage behaviour and taking on the role of the abuser.
I really appreciate being on here and all of you understanding, as family really don’t get the underlying issues and the fact that I just can’t get away from him. It seems so unfair that because we have children, he can try to control things. But only as much as I let him I suppose. I really need to read all my old notes from freedom and power to change. I just feel like I’ve taken several steps back
I was close to a panic attack mid week and the day after was teary and couldn’t concentrate at all at work. I thought s lot of it was behind me and that I was starting to move on.
Time to reset and enjoy now, while looking forward. Sending my love to you all & wishes of strength and grace x*x

[Author]

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