Boundaries or giving up too easily (employment)?

[HollyBerry]

I am in confusion. I was struggling in my last role work wise so was put on a performance review and a few months after this was invited to a disciplinary. I was signed off work by my GP and found another role. In my new role I’ve got a male work colleague who orders me around and then makes out that I’m being unreasonable if I say no, says things that are quite ‘odd’ such as about my quirkiness (he recently told me about a (detail removed by Moderator) event nearby as he thought I’d fit in) and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him. Recently, he has accused me of getting too close to another (male) work colleague – no truth in it but made me feel uncomfortable; I reported it to my manager, who is also male who said I’m reading too much into it and that what people do in their own time is nothing to do with work, which had nothing to do with what I said or had happened) followed by triggers from my family (denial – put up and shut up). I have an interview for a new role this week – I know I can’t keep changing jobs but surely they can’t all be toxic. Unsure if I am setting a boundary or just ‘giving up’ 🙁 Doesn’t help that I’m no longer seeing my therapist and am decreasing my medication 🙁 I don’t know if I can trust my judgement or if I really am expecting too much or being unfair (on men)?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, he sounds like an a*****e… how dare he suggest you would ‘fit in’ … that must have made you feel pretty worthless as you work there (unfortunately with toxic men)..? I stand by you, from what you have said these behaviours are totally unacceptable in or outside work.
To comment on your character is a personal slight. To not have support when you report is diabolical.

I have no advice, I wanted to show my support for you x someone will come along on here soon who is much more clever than me ❤

[Eggshells]

Hi HollyBerry

It’s kind of difficult to work out what is going on without knowing more detail so I can’t give you a proper answer.

However, I belong in the “Over 50s” boards of this forum and, over time, I’ve encountered some really toxic attitudes and behaviors towards women in the workplace and some professions have a worse track record than others.

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, it is perfectly possible that you have repeatedly experienced misogynistic cultures within a workplace.

Either way, it sounds like applying for other jobs is a very good decision. Whatever the route of your distress, this is not a healthy place for you. xx

[Bananaboat]

Unfortunately as others have said workplaces can be pretty toxic especially if the management support that kind of culture. You could raise a grievance about your manager and your manager’s manager, but in all likelihood even if you won and the grievance was upheld you’d have to continue to work with these people. When you’ve followed the correct routes and still it’s nasty then your best form of control is to leave.

You don’t have to disclose full reasons why you are leaving a role in an interview, try to keep positive and say something like the ‘culture didn’t fit with your values’ or ‘career development was limited’, thereby avoiding any conversation which will make you uncomfortable. We spend so much time at work it’s not worth staying somewhere toxic if you don’t have to, good luck.

[HollyBerry]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have prepared for the interview and feel much more positive now. So hard to trust myself after everything but I think it’s so important moving forwards. I can’t control other’s behaviours but I can control my response to it. I will miss some colleagues but I don’t share the same space unfortunately. Off to find more money, better quality of life and a work place that appreciates me!

[cakepops]

I have had some awful experiences with work over the last few years too. I think it is partly because due to the long-term abusive relationship I am hugely conflict averse. This means I often let little issues build up slowly instead of tackling them at the start, and so people take advantage of me. Eventually it all gets too much and I am left feeling totally walked over. I’ve been working on this with a counsellor, but its really hard to build up that sort of confidence again.

Ultimately though I do also agree with others that there are so many toxic workplaces too. Its so hard to try and make the decision whether to leave or not. I’m struggling with the same currently, but as there’s no decent jobs for me to apply for currently its irrelevant.

Good luck with the interview!

[StrongLife]

I too have difficulty with workplaces. I still have strict boundaries. Work is difficult. I like how you got dr to write you off of work – good idea.

[StrongLife]

It was commented above this statement:-

“repeatedly experienced misogynistic cultures within a workplace”

I work in that type of industry that attracts these type of men.

I stayed longest in mostly female workplace which was of different culture.

Demanding you spend hours of your leisure / downtime to fit in is unrealistic as we all need our downtime.

Keep going – you will find a fit for you soon.

[Author]

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