Boundaries

[SunshineRainflower]

I had a weird experience recently with a male doctor I’d not met before and it has left me questioning whether I do things that invite weird/inappropriate behaviour from men.

I had pain in my abdomen and got a last minute appointment at my new dr’s surgery. As soon as I walked in he smiled at me in a way that seemed almost flirty and was very friendly and very familiar. He asked how I was and because I had abdomen pain I explained I had pain and lifted up my top (just so the area in pain was visible, I didn’t show my breasts or anything) and pointed to the place where it hurt. He called me a young, fit female asked me about my name and ancestry complimenting it. I felt flattered at first but then it got sort of weird?

He examined me stood up but I have a phobia about people touching my stomach so at times I had to move his hand away as it freaked me out too much, which maybe created a bit of an awkward situation in which I had to touch his hands? If it was a female dr it wouldn’t have been weird at all but it felt weird with him. He said it’d be easier to examine me if I lay down so I did and had the same issue where I had to move his hands a few times. After examining me, I know this sounds crazy but I saw him either scratch or adjust his penis – he put his hand there and moved it and I recognise this move as two of my exes used to do it all the time. I felt super weird about it and just pretended not to notice. Maybe I unwittingly turned him on by touching his hands or something? This was 100% not my intention at all. I once had the same experience with my stomach touching phobia with a female dr who tried to examine my abdomen and it wasn’t weird at all (she just got annoyed that I kept trying to stop her touching my stomach) so I think it was either because he was male or because this dr was a bit inappropriate with me? I should add that I didn’t get the choice this time whether to see a male or female gp, I always ask to see a female gp when I can.

Anyway, I feel like maybe I did something to make the interaction awkward/inapprorpriate, or was he inappropriate and it wasn’t my fault? I think what happens with certain men who are perhaps boundary-pushers is at first I feel happy and flattered at their attention and compliments because I am lonely and lack social interaction and it is nice to feel ‘seen,’ but then they start pushing boundaries and it gets weird because I am not good at protecting my boundaries or knowing what is and isn’t ok sometimes?

I have had lots of interactions with male and female health professionals and 99% of the time it is absolutely fine and not sleazy or weird at all but occasionally I seem to meet one where it gets weird like this and it leaves me questioning myself like I am a sleazy person or something and invite this sort of thing?

I am hoping that my group counselling session might help me protect my boundaries better because I have ended up in some really awful situations because of this before like once I was sort of raped by a man I thought was a friend on holiday. He took my apartment keys while we had a drink and when I went into my apartment he was lying naked on the bed but I thought it was just a joke. I still thought he was being daft and assumed we would just sleep in the same bed without having sex as I had been really ill vomiting and because we hadn’t been on a date, he had been looking after me giving me ginger tea that evening and we were just friends. But he pressured me for hours to have sex with him so I eventually agreed because I was exhausted and just wanted to go asleep and thought it would be easier to let him. He ended up taking off the condom halfway through and I bled and had to take the morning after pill and get an HIV test, it was a horrible experience and a good example of how my lack of boundaries and noticing warning signs has lead me to end up in some super uncomfortable and actually dangerous situations. (I’m not even sure this could be classed as rape as I consented after pressure). My most recent abusive ex is another example. I seem to have a sign on my head that boundary-pushers can see a mile off. It’s like I missed the class at school on what is acceptable behaviour. I think it’s all to do with my family of origin.

Any thoughts on this would be great, and how to stop this sort of thing happening in future would help, thank you.

[SunshineRainflower]

I forgot to add, after being super chatty and friendly and maybe flirty with me this dr suddenly went super cold and silent after examining me as he prescribed me medication. It was like I could feel a shift in the atmosphere. So strange. I keep having to remind myself that people who are super friendly and flattering and charming initially are usually not sincere. I keep getting fooled by it. Obviously with this being a dr I have no idea why he was super friendly then went cold, I am confused by the whole interaction.

[KIP.]

Personally I would never allow a male doctor to examine me without a nurse present. You are right about setting your own boundaries. I think a lot of abuse survivors have problems with assertiveness. We are people pleasers and in the past our assertiveness has led to abuse.

[maddog]

Oh Sunshine, this is absolutely not your fault. I was once bible bashed by a gp which was totally inappropriate. He was struck off I think though not for sharing his religious beliefs. Had your gp not had ulterior motives, he would have remained consistent throughout your consultation. You poor thing. This is nothing you have done, and everything to do with the doctor. I know with me, when I am feeling vulnerable I am vulnerable, so it is vitally important that the gp can recognise this. Otherwise it is a breach of trust. I hope you got the treatment you needed and are able to recover.
It isn’t you. It isn’t you. It really isn’t you!! Perhaps you could have a quiet word with the receptionist as it’s unlikely you will be alone.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you for your replies Kip and Maddog. Kip I didn’t have a choice this time unfortunately, I was in pain and needed to see a dr asap and he was the only person available. I will make sure I book in with someone else next time and just hope I don’t have any more emergencies. They do have a chaperone service but I’m not sure it’s available for last minute appointments.

Thank you Maddog, thankfully I got a prescription and have started treatment. I am still in pain so just hope what he prescribed works asap and doesn’t get worse. I wonder if he went cold because he suddenly realised the interaction had got a bit overly familiar and inappropriate. I feel like it was partly my fault because I was chatty back to him but I definitely didn’t want any sort of sexual interaction with him, I just needed him to diagnose and help me. I was just being friendly and nice but maybe it seemed like I was flirting, I don’t know. I feel like I have this naivety that some people take advantage of even though I’m not particularly young anymore. It is confusing. I don’t want to bring it up but I will avoid him in future. Like most surgeries they are now doing this annoying system where you have to ring frantically whichever morning you want an appointment between a certain time otherwise you have to wait about 3 weeks to see a dr so this will make it trickier to get a female gp but for the non emergency appointments I can request them.

I definitely seem to have issues realising when people are being inappropriate with me until it crosses a line and I realise my boundary has crossed then I feel sort of violated and confused. I saw there is a book about boundaries on Amazon so I will order that once I’ve finished my current one about commitment phobia which is partly helping me understand why I keep ending up with abusers.

[maddog]

It’s so annoying the way we have to make appointments now. There really isn’t much choice. I find myself feeling very needy when I am feeling vulnerable. I see it in myself now I’m post menopausal. I’m certain the neediness has led to all sorts of problems. Hopefully soon I will have appt with rape & sexual assault counsellor.

I hope you are getting/have had help and support with the rape you mentioned. It may have happened a long time ago. It really doesn’t matter when it happened and you need to come to terms with it.

Mine is very historical.

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